Here goes nothing!

Hello all... Im completely new at this but dont know what to do
My husband has been addicted to prescription narcotics for YEARS. Today he starts his rehab (we have been married for 10 years) Not going to lie, im so scared. I have found out that we are broke and that he has been purchasing pills from people he works with and this makes me even more angry. I feel guilty because I am the one who suggested the go to the doctor to get the stupid pain pills for relief in the first place. Part of me wants to run away screaming and tell him to deal with it and then part of me is like I can do this.  I have zero friends because he always makes me feel guilty about having time to myself with friends when i had them. I have no family, lost my parents a couple years ago, deep down I know I havent dealt with that completely either.  I work late most of the time because its the only social interaction I get outside home. The rehab place told him that he could not have any pain medications after noon yesterday so he took 28 pills yesterday before noon. SIGH, I used to think I was really strong, now im not so sure
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  • @BC2448 ;Hello and welcome. Thank you so much for reaching out. That's great that your husband is going to rehab. And I'm sure it is quite scary for you. This is a big change in the household. You're probably used to things the way they are, and chances are they'll be changing. It can be frightening.

    The way you feel is not uncommon. You probably have a lot of different feelings going on right now. Being on the opposite end of an addict and a recovering addict can be challenging. You bring up a good point about where do you fit in in all of this? This is a great opportunity for you to work on yourself, while he works on himself. 

    This may require you to reach out for outside help. Whether that's therapy or attending a support group, I support either. Being able to process your emotions about the death of your parents, as well as the addiction, and just life in general with a therapist can be quite helpful. I went to various 12-step support groups and they help me grow a lot. I went to Nar-Anon and co-dependents Anonymous. I was with a recovering addict, and it turns out I was I was very co-dependent, and never really worked on myself. I got my self-worth out of taking care of others, and when I didn't need to do that anymore it slapped me in the face. Turns out I had a lot of work to do , and the 12-step groups help me begin that Journey.

    Also, just educating yourself and reading around like you're doing now. You can learn a lot by tapping into the many resources online, whether that's books, articles or videos. There's a lot of great articles here in the Forum that you can glean some wisdom from. comment as you feel necessary .

    perhaps it's time to reach out and make a friend. Everyone deserves a friend and needs a friend.  I learned a lot about setting boundaries at those meetings. I learned that what I wanted and needed mattered. I learned how to stand up for myself in a loving way. I didn't have friends either for a long time, because there was so much jealousy. Those days are over. Everyone ought to  have at least one friend they can confide in and share life with. That's one mark of a healthy relationship.

    Anyway, I feel as if I'm rambling here. I hope I said something that will encourage you and I hope that you'll keep coming back on the Forum. There's a great group of people here and we'd love to get to know you better. We're here to support and encourage you however we can. Sending you big big hug
  • NO you are not rambling! I appreciate each and every word! A neighbor of ours actually said the same thing about me focusing on me while he goes through this as well and he said something to the effect of "well to an extent cause im going to be going through alot" not only am I going to have to focus on myself but we have a 10yr old daughter as well who I am trying to protect to the best of my ability. He is the best dad in the world but as a husband not so much, I mean he shows his love by buying me things. and yes like you I have never worked on myself, because i have always fought to make him happy. I havent ever been able to communicate with him very well because when I try to express MY feelings, he says im selfish (and believe me it was VERY hard to bite my tongue when he said he was taking off to do this when we have very little money. I wanted to call HIM selfish but bit my tongue of course :)
  • I remember when my daddy was on hospice, I had to get a lock box for his medication because they kept disappearing, it never dawned on me till now that it was probably HIM taking the meds and of course I took up for him! OH that makes me even more sad/mad cause my daddy went through so much pain!
  • @BC2448 hey there. glad you are thinking it's time to DO YOU... :)  this can be a good thing. if you're up for reading a good book:

    I found this so helpful. I read it and thought the whole way through : That's Me!!!!

    i want to encourage you... you can learn so many lessons about yourself, life, your higher power, and more at this time. start digging!!!

    i hope your husband will consider following up rehab with meetings or a counselor... it takes A WHILE to work through things.... if both of you can look INSIDE to deal with your own things, the two of you as a couple will do better.

  • tonight my husband told me that he basically spent the 12,000 settlement he got for his shoulder buying pain meds from people. I am just gutted, I want to cry but I can't, I want to yell at him but I can't . After he told his counselor how much he has done to me she said "and she STAYED?" Well I didn't know the half of it yet.... wow just wow
  • @BC2448... Welcome to the community and thank you for sharing with us. I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through with your husband. If it makes you feel any better, you are definitely not alone. There are so many other spouses who are going through exactly the same thing. Or who have gone through it already. Loving someone who struggles with addiction is certainly an incredible challenge.

    That Codependent No More book that @dominica recommended is truly great. Definitely pick up a copy and read it. There are a few other books I think may help you, too. You may want to check out this blog I wrote a while back:

    The Beyond Addiction book, which was written specifically for partners and parents of people battling addiction, is especially good. In fact, I think it's the best book of its kind. It teaches so much about how to communicate with your loved one, how to talk to them to help motivate them to want to change, and--most importantly--how to take care of YOURSELF while you're dealing with your loved one's issues. YES! Self-care is an absolutely essential part of the process!!

    Also, be sure to at least give a support group meeting a try. Whether it's Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, CODA, or SMART Recovery Family & Friends, being around others who know exactly what you're going through and feeling can be incredibly helpful and comforting. You will feel much more "normal" if you attend support meetings, I guarantee it.

    We are here for you anytime you need us. Whether you're looking for help, support, advice, the answer to a question, or just a place to vent a little, this is the place. We will always listen without judgment, so don't hesitate to reach out and lean on us.

    I'm sending you lots of positive vibes and big hugs full of hope. I will also keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers. This is not an easy journey, but it is a journey you can get through. I promise.

    Love and light to you.
  • Thanks! I hope I can get through this. Unfortunately there is no time for me to be able to find a support meeting to go to. I just bumped my 8 hour days to 10 hours and took on saturdays to try and save what we have. I will definately have to read those books during the meantime!
  • @BC2448... You can find virtual meetings for those groups online, too. Maybe that would be something you could fit into your busy schedule. Just a thought.
  • @BC2448 ;You may consider downloading an audiobook or YouTube videos that will encourage you. I listen to these things while I'm out walking, or cleaning the house, or going for a ride in the car. You'd be surprised how even 15 minutes of listening to something encouraging can help your days to go better.

    Sending you positive vibes today! Have a great weekend!
  • I never thought about virtual meetings thank you!
     I will definately be looking into those!
  • @BC2448... Just want you to know that I'm thinking about you today. And I'm continuing to send positive vibes and hope to you and your husband. :)
  • Thank you so much! I literally dont know what to do anymore to be honest. I went to my dr yesterday for an appt  and opened up to her about what was going on and then my husband scolded me for opening up to her when I was trying to do the RIGHT thing by telling her NOT to renew my prescription for my medicine for my panic attacks so he wouldnt have any temptation at all but yet again here I am crying uncontrollably, chest hurts so bad it feels like im going to have a heart attack etc cause of my anxiety. 
  • @BC2448... I'm sorry you're struggling. If you need meds to help you with your anxiety, get the RX and lock it up in a safe. You should not have to suffer because of your husband's addiction. That's not at all fair.

    Sending you love, light, prayers, and hope. 
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