Husband did not share my victory

We get better and it takes time and effort and strength.  Everyone around you thinks you're fixed somehow.  It has been a long 8 years and I could not get my husband to understand the importance  of my "birth date" and every year he made no mention ... even after I told him what it meant to me.  He said that it wasn't  his victory but mine and wondered why it would matter to him.  I've tried so hard to explain to him that having quit on my own without a sponsor or anyone I could share the joy with, I kind of needed him.  I went so far as to send him a link to a website with a pin that I thought would be nice a way to remember the day.  The year before I bought myself a Serenity Prayer necklace after he again blew off the date. Well, we didn't celebrate this year!   In a recent email exchange, my husband wrote this to me and I would honestly like opinions on it.  Am I asking to much of him? 

"And you have to stop blaming anyone other than yourself for using.  Your choice 1000%.  I sure as hell didn't encourage you to.  And don't try to reverse psychology it and blame me for not throwing huge parties every year for your "birthday".  There are sober people all over this planet who are surrounded by friends AND family who have no idea of when that day is for them.  They expect nothing other than the right to pursue a happy life like everyone else."

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  • @Nonnahsblue ;Hello and welcome. First of all I'd like to congratulate you for your sobriety. That's great!

    While I do think it's not asking too much to want your husband to acknowledge your sober date..... I do think that if you keep putting so much weight on it... it will only cause YOU to feel badly... Not him.  I suppose he has his reasons for not wanting to celebrate it... but this is where you get to sort of detach from your expectations moving forward and go on and celebrate it in a way that is special for you... If he does not want to be involved.... so be it. Don't let his involvement affect you any longer.  (I know, easier said than done)... But the truth is your powerless over him...and his actions. Don't let him have that power of you!

    Do you deserve a celebration! Hell yes!!! 
    Should your husband be supportive or at least meet you half way and acknowledge it because it's important to you? Yes, that is my opinion. He should!!  At the same time, if he won't... I encourage you to celebrate it another way.. With a friend...family member... Just ask someone... say, "Hey this is a date really important to me. Want to celebrate it with me?" Maybe go out to dinner, see a movie, something.... to give yourself kudos!

    I remember when I was younger encountering mothers who would get so irate when their kids would not do anything for their birthday or even call them or something like that. They would almost lose their minds and be crushed. I understand it can be disheartening, but it was way back then that I made a decision to never expect anything from my kids in that regard. I know they love me. But I don't need them to do anything on holidays for my birthday in order for me to have a good day. I wasn't going to allow them to have that power, because I know that I am worthy and I can celebrate myself !

    My kids are now 22 and 23 and I've had occasions where I could have gotten upset or crushed that they didn't call or give a small token of appreciation had a birthday or holiday.  I didn't get upset, and I just let them be who they are right now. Not everyone can really share in celebration with others, for whatever reason. Sometimes it's a maturity issue, and sometimes there just selfish. I know my kids love me.... :) They don't have to do what I want them to do in order for me to feel good!

    This is just my opinion but if it were me, I'd find a different way to celebrate, not expecting squat from my partner. Would I wish my partner would? Yes... but I would let it go... (The Serenity Prayer helps) Perhaps do someone different or even by yourself or let us celebrate with you. Sometimes spouses aren't the best support system for those who are in recovery. Would it be great if they were? But reality is that's not always the case.

    We are here for you, and please let us know your sobriety date. We love to celebrate with you!
  • My own husband is such an enabler and ignored my using to such an extent, that I could NEVER expect him to celebrate my sobriety birthday! It would be unrealistic. If it weren't for this group, I wouldn't even celebrate it myself...
    Congratulations on your birthdays @nonnahsblue! I like the idea of the necklace and pins. You've earned them, so, purchase them for yourself and be proud!
  • @Nonnahsblue... Congratulations on your 8 years of sobriety!! That's an amazing accomplishment and you should be very proud of yourself! Yes, you should celebrate. But if your husband doesn't feel like celebrating with you, don't let him rain on your parade. Celebrate by yourself or, like Dominica suggested, find others to celebrate with. That date is very special for you, so don't let anyone take away from its importance. :)
  • Please forgive me. But what an ass. Damn that is a very important day. 
  • I'm jealous of your 8 years . I'm still working on the 1st . Staying sober is a big deal for those of us who are trying to stay sober . And it becomes a priority for us . But to those around us who suffered as a result our antics , it's kind of like " Glad you are finally behaving the way you should have been behaving all along ". They are not always impressed . They don't understand what it is like .
    My wife said to me recently about my recovery and my time dedicated to AA and other aspects of recovery " You've had this great enlightenment which brings you a great deal of happiness . But for the rest of us , it's just life as usual ". It stings a little . But I guess it's true . 
    @Dominica used the word which I am currently working to get out of my vocabulary "EXPECTATIONS". No one ever meets my expectations , and that breeds resentment .  I say SCREW Resentment ! 
    Congratulations though . 
  • @Goodtr8s yes, I agree.... Treat yourself to something to commemorate your accomplishments! :)
  • @TWSJ... I soooooo agree with you about expectations. So often the lead to nothing but resentment. And no one needs that in their life!

    And don't worry, my friend. I know you'll get to 1 year, which will lead to 2, which will lead to 3, etc., etc. Just keep working hard, my friend!
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