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Loss of Interest in lifeLong Post Warning. But this is something that I believe is very important to me and may be important to you as well.
I have been slowly coming to realize the thing that plague me the
most as a person. It is my loss of interest in "things." Now I want to be clear that I
am not sure whether this has to do with my porn use. Let me explain.
I remember first feeling depression. It hit me like a train. I remember
the first moment of being a thirteen year old kid, walking home from
school and feeling that despair. I didn't want to be alive at that
moment. Because my traumas and difficulties in life and my depression
and my porn use all were concurrent with one another around this time,
logical application of cause and effect, to this day has been a
relatively fruitless exercise.
My porn use at that time seemed normal. It was probably for at least an
hour every day- but I had no idea at that time. And even though I was
dealing with despair, loneliness, isolation, dejection, abuse, and loss
of interest in LIFE itself, I was still interested in THINGS. I loved
THINGS. I loved basketball, hip-hop, magic tricks, film, comedy. Though I
can remember being frighteningly embarrassed and shamed about some of
them I never remember losing interest.
It seemed to me that I only started losing interest in things in
my life when I started quitting porn. I didn't recognize that I had an
addiction to porn until college. That was four years ago. Since then I
have been off and on- changing focus in my life from my porn addiction
to my work with my therapist (in all it's many growing forms) to my
dreams and aspirations of being a musician, to girls, and back to porn
again. The porn reboot (A time of abstention from porn) was always the same. I would last anywhere
between 20-100 days and then cave because of one reason- freaking out
about the flat-line which had not changed after 100 days. In hindsight
this is a part of a larger picture. I lose interest in THINGS. Things
that at one time fascinated and engrossed me. Things that got me
excited. Visions, dreams, ideas. Gone. Dead. Extinguished. I realized
what I have been missing this morning when I drank a cup of coffee and
these things once again engrossed me, fascinated me, engulfed my
imagination. And then I crashed and I was back to fatigue, boredom and
Am I seeing the world in 20/20? Is this how it is? Did porn (like drugs
and alcohol) create some sort of illusion where everything in the world
was fascinating and moving? I can't imagine why the world would be as
boring for everyone as it is for me after getting sober. I want to be clear
that I am probably on day 10 of my "streak", and I recognize from
experience that many of the symptoms of fatigue and energy loss go away
after a while. However, the boredom and dullness in life never have for
me. Please help.
I understand all the brain chemistry aspects of this whole thing
(dopamine, etc.) but I would like to know if anyone has any insight.
I am working on the conception of compassion and building lasting
relationships in people and how my shame affects my feelings and my
choices. But interest in life seems to be weekly connected to this. I want it to be
controlled to some neurotransmitter levels that have to reset in my
brain. I want to believe that if I wait 200 days or 300 days that my
interest in THINGS will come back. But in 100 days of no PMO, I saw no
improvement in this area. Everything was dull and fruitless- nothing to
live for, nothing interesting, nothing to do.
Thanks for reading,
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