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    dominicadominica

    How to support your addicted partner, rather than enable

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    Posted in Advice for Family and FriendsVote Up0Vote Down

    There you are on the other side of an addict or
    alcoholic. Maybe you've known about this addiction for a while, or maybe you've
    just recently found out. Either way, you've got quite a bit of emotions going
    on inside you. You might be angry, scared, resentful, depressed, and more.



    It's not uncommon for the disease of addiction
    to quickly break down any relationship. You've got one person struggling with a
    disease, and often times you've got the partner struggling with enabling or
    losing themselves in the relationship.



    What does
    enabling mean    ?



    Put simply, enabling is protecting someone else
    from experiencing the consequences of their behavior. Enabling is doing for
    them what they need to be doing for themselves.



    Here's some examples.



    Makes excuses for the words or actions of the
    addict



    Gives money to the addict, when it’s not up to
    them to “carry them”



    Taking care of their problems like paying for
    their DUI cost or their bills 



    Repeated attempts to control the addict



    Keeping everything a secret, walking on
    eggshells



    Making excuses as to why your partner is an
    addict



    What can
    I do to be more supportive?

    The first thing you may have
    to do is sit down and have a real heart-to-heart conversation. You may have
    already done this, but in case you haven't, sit down with your partner when he
    or she is sober and clean. Let him know how much this is hurting you.



    What can
    we do?



    Ask your partner, “What can we do?” This way
    you're not dictating, and it allows for a discussion. It opens the door for
    both of you to be able to share openly. You’re not coming at him/her with
    judgment or vengeance. You’re coming calm, cool, and collected (as best as you
    can). This doesn't necessarily mean things are going to be solved at this
    moment. There's a very good chance that your partner doesn't want to make the
    effort to get into recovery. (yet) Does this mean the relationship should
    end? Not necessarily…but you will then begin a process of lovingly
    detaching…because if you don’t, you’ll end up feeling like you are going
    insane. (worried, checking his phone, searching for the booze/drugs, checking
    up on him, etc.)

    That drives many people
    bonkers….all the while, their partner just isn’t at a point where he/she wants
    to stop or can’t stop.



    Get
    yourself involved in a support group



    This brings me to the next point. If you are
    with an alcoholic or addict, and he or she isn't really willing to get into
    recovery, you may find some valuable support at a support group. This allows
    you to be around other people who are in the same shoes. Perhaps their partner
    or their loved one is an addict too, and they've probably learned some valuable
    lessons they could share. It also gives you a place to share openly, and ask
    the questions that you need.



    Al-Anon is for loved ones of Alcoholics. Nar-anon
    is for loved ones of drug addicts. Even if you can just make one meeting a week
    or two meetings a month, it may do you good. At the very least, it can give you
    hope that you can still have your life even if your partner isn't willing to
    reach out for help right now. You can grow stronger, learn more about how to
    support your partner and not enable, learn how to set and keep boundaries, and
    perhaps even make a few friends. 

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    • 1 Commentby Likes|Date
    • Vote Up0Vote Down
      DeanDDeanD
      Great post, @dominica. So often, there is a very fine line between enabling and supporting, and knowing the difference can be a bit challenging, especially at first. But in time, people can educate themselves and become much better at support. This post is very helpful.
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