Hurting myself sometimes

Hi.   I am bisexual.  Just putting my sexuality out there because I will probably be mentioning men and women.  I'm married to a wonderful man.  He is so loving.  But I have a history of men using me.  I have selfesteem issues. My husband knows I watch porn and masturbate which should be normal and healthy.  But what he doesn't know is that I don't do it in a healthy way.  When he is not home, I turn on porn I find degrading and then I use toys and masturbate in a way to purposely hurt to punish myself.  And I cry after.  The only time masturbating is enjoyable and healthy for me is when it's mutual masturbation with a woman.  When I am alone and masturbating,  it isn't what it should be.  I don't know why I want to punish myself this way.Maybe the way men have treated me in the past like their sex toy, I feel like I deserve punishment.  Like I am nothing.Even though I have such a loving husband now.  Help. 
  • 3 Commentsby Likes|Date
  • @Shame01 ;Hello and welcome. Thank you so much for sharing. it sounds as if you know that self-harm is not a great coping skill. I'm glad you want to change this. You absolutely have never deserve to be treated with disrespect by a man or woman. I'm sorry that some people have used you in the past.

    This emotional distress that you're in , perhaps you can attend therapy to discuss...  maybe begin to understand this Behavior better and formulate different coping skills. I am a firm believer in a series of counseling sessions at different periods in life, especially when you're struggling emotionally.

    self harm is more common than some people might think. The good news is that there are treatments out there that can help. The truth is that you are far from nothing. You are beautiful soul . no matter what has happened in the past , you are good. 

    I think it's good that you are reaching out here . We are a group of people who will be here for you no matter what. We don't judge. We support and encourage you the best way we know how. We might not have all the answers, but we do offer hope. We offer acceptance . You'll always have a place here and we are here to listen. 

    Hope to keep seeing you around!
  • @Shame01... Welcome to the community. I'm glad you found us and reached out. We are here for you, to help, support, and listen. 

    I'm sending you lots of positive vibes, love, and hope.
  • Hi @Shame01
    Thanks for sharing your story. I am sorry you feel this way. I have also used sex to punish myself. I also have a loving husband but due to depression ended up being addicted to dating sites and have let men use me. I believe I have done this as a form of self destruction. I am now trying to move forward. Can I ask what your history is with these men? Just wondering why you might feel this way. Best wishes
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