Adding more information

I just posted Hurting Myself Sometimes.  Please read that for more details.  But I would like to add that I am a woman who watches porn and masturbate alone all the time.  I don't do it to get pleasure.  I only do it to punish myself.  I do accidentally get some pleasure from it, but I try to hit spots that hurt more than feels good.  It always hurts very much afterwards.  Sometimes I have torn tissue.   When my husband and I are having sex, I briefly masturbate or use toys just as a means to an end, orgasm.  I don't enjoy masturbating or using toys with him.  I have to mentally go numb.  I do enjoy sex with my husband though.   Just not when I have to masturbate to help things along.   Probably because I masturbate alone to punish myself and to remind myself that I am useless and all the men who have treated me like a sex toy in the past, and a few even raped me, where right to treat me that way.  I tell myself I deserved it.  I tell myself I deserve the hurt.  I know that is not true, but my mind keeps telling me this.
I am bisexual.  And the only time masturbating is enjoyable and healthy for me is when I mutually masturbate with a woman.  I feel safe and it feels right with a woman; it's totally different than when I do it alone.   
Idk I want to stop watching porn and masturbating alone to hurt and punish myself.   I don't know how to stop though.   I don't know how to stop thinking negativity regarding sex and my self worth either.   Please help.  Thanks. 
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  • @Shame01 ;Hey there. I commented on your other post. I wanted to mention that if you can't get to therapy, there are some pretty good videos on YouTube by licensed counselors on various topics that might help you. There's also some good books. Maybe start on a new journey toward healing . sounds like you've got some pretty big wounds, and no honey you did not deserve any of that. I'm really sorry that you've experienced that stuff. But I do know that from my own experience, emotional healing can occur. It takes a lot of time and effort, and some scars may always be there, but we can learn better coping skills.

    Maybe do some searching on books having to do with survivors of rape. There may be some inspirational stories out there from women who have felt much like you and have journeyed toward healing .

    It was Louise Hay , a wonderful teacher, who taught me a long time ago hope to get up every morning and while getting ready in the morning looking in my eyes and just say I love you. Maybe that sounds silly, but over and over it starts to do a little something to you. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I love myself and that I am worthy. You are worthy too. You're worthy of your Love, unconditional love .
  • @Shame01... Have you ever read any books by Brené Brown? She's an amazing writer and her books and videos have helped me through some tough times. You might want to check her stuff out. The book of hers that helped me the most is The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.

    Also, based on your user name, I'm guessing you might be feeling some shame. Below is a video from Brené that you might find helpful. It's called "Listening to Shame."

    I am sending you lots of love, light, positive energy, and hope. 

  • @Shame01 ; I agree with Dean that Brene Brown is an amazing teacher . her books and videos are a great start to Healing. 

    How are you doing today? Know that we are thinking about you and rooting for you!
  • Thank you both.  I am overwhelmed by the support, in a good way.  @DeanD ; yes I do feel shame.  And a lot of feelings... mostly negative.
    @dominca yes I do have deep wounds.  I endured physical abuse as a child.  Then emotional and sexual abuse from so many men when I started dating.  One of my rapist was my best friend.  And he protected me from a drug dealer who threatened my life.  The night he raped me, I was drunk, almost passed out drunk.  He asked if he could lay down.  I was almost passed out; I said I didn't care I wanted to sleep.  He started trying stuff.  I kept trying to stop him and tell him no stop... he didn't stop.  I stayed friends with him for a long time after that.  For a long time, I didn't blame him.  I said he took advantage of me, but I couldn't say he raped me.  It wasn't until pretty recently that I could say this.  Still,  it's hard to talk about.  An anonymous forum helps say it.  Only about three people know about this rape in real life.  So yeah, I have been through a lot. 
    I truly appreciate the support from y'all.  I will try to love myself more.  I will truly try all of the suggestions and take them to heart.
    Thanks so much.
  • To add, the drug dealer was a boyfriend.  I never did hard drugs... only a little pot.  Not judging those that do.  This is recovery for them as well.  But just to add, I don't have that problem to add to the list.  The strongest was nicotine addiction, which I finally quit smoking. 
  • @Shame01 ;Thank you for sharing. I am sorry that you had to endure such abuse in your life. It certainly can leave some open wounds that are in need of some healing. The good news is that your healing journey is beginning, as you begin to share here in the Forum honestly and openly. You're free to share here whatever you need to, and will be here to support you and encourage you however we can. 

    Oftentimes, the journey to Healing requires some professional help in one form or another. I hope that you are able to commit to a season for this. Do you have a counselor or know of someone you can go to? I want to offer you hope that healing is available. That you overtime will be able to look at yourself in a more loving way. Those things that happened to you don't have to Define you. 

    It's very courageous that you're here. Hope to keep seeing you around.
  • @Shame01... We are here for you, my dear. So don't ever hesitate to reach out and lean on us for support. Or, if you just need to vent, you can safely do that here. 

    Big hugs to you.
  • @Shame01 ;Hey there! Just thinking about you and wondering how you're doing today. When you get a chance , let us know how things are going. Know that we're here for you to support and encourage you to the best of our ability.
  • We are here for you anytime you need us, @Shame01. Never forget that. You can always reach out and lean on us.
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