Love of my life hit rock bottom

My boyfriend of almost 3 years went on a binge with alcohol and cocaine for 2 days. Durning that time he sold his ps4 I got him almost a year ago and the smart tv he just got for his birthday to get high because he cannot stop. He was very hurtful towards me during the time. He texted me to tell me he needs help and he couldn't do this anymore. He decided to go into rehab. I knew he has gone one other time however I didn't know how many times it actually has been. He has anxiety problems however he wasn't taking mediciation for it. However some of his long term friends know his issues and still don't care and offer him what we know to be his kryptonite. I know it is his choice to say no. I don't want to enable him however how do I help support his recovery? Do I make ultimatums about things like friends? I'm scared of triggering him. We have such a deep connection but I am also upset with the things that were said and done during the binge. Any advice? I'm thinking of also going to na neetings for loved ones of addicts. I want to be strong for him.
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  • @Dfenner78 hi there! great that he's getting help and you're on board for support. nar-anon meetings can be a valuable asset to have for you... helped me when i went.

    i think some of your answers can be answered there among those who are in similar circumstances....

    keep researching ways to encourage and support loved ones in recovery. it's a learning process for you and him both. read around the forum...great posts and comments here!

    I suggest you read around and post in the Support For Friends and Family section. You will find that forum to be a great source of information and inspiration.

    https://talk.recovery.org/categories/support-for-friends-and-family-of-alcoholics

    we are here for YOU! :)
  • Thank you so much!! :-)
  • @Dfenner78 anytime.. know that we are here for you!
  • @Dfenner78 First of all, don't expect any of his friends who use to ever support any effort for him to recover. If he is going to have any shot at recovery, when he returns from rehab, he needs to make them a former part of his life. That's not an ultimatum you need to give, it's just the way recovery works. He should stay away from the people, places and things that led him to use whenever possible.

    Before you decide to lay down any ultimatums, you need to ask yourself if you'll go through with them. If not, he'll sniff it out in a second. Don't threaten to X if he does Y only to not go through with it. That is more enabling than anything else because it shows threats are hollow and he has neither incentive to, or punishment for, addict behavior. If you're not willing to leave, don't threaten it, because once you don't leave, you've lost all your credibility.

    With the friends, if I were in your situation, I would tell him that I don't want him to hang around the people who brought him down in the first place and if he continues the relationship with those people, you will be forced to evaluate your relationship. It's not a threat to leave, it just lets him know your position.

    Thankfully, you've got someone who admits to having a problem. There are a lot of people on this board who can't even get to that point, so you've got a lot in your corner right there. The transition out of rehab can be difficult. Is he considering sober living or an intensive outpatient (IOP) program? Those can make a word of difference. Odds are if it's a decent program, they'll have a discharge plan before he leaves.

    Part of that discharge plan should be ongoing mental health care. It sounds like he has the mental health issues that go with most addicts. He needs to be in regularly CBT therapy, but also talk to his doctor about proper medication, or at least get a referral to someone who can help with figuring out the proper cocktail.

    Good luck and I hope you'll update us on your progress as a couple.
  • @Dfenner78... I responded to a post of yours in another thread, so please look for that. You've gotten some great advice from @JoshuaShea and @dominica. I have to say that what Joshua said about ultimatums is super important: Do NOT give your boyfriend an ultimatum unless you are 100% certain that you can follow through with it. Giving a loved one an ultimatum and not sticking to it will show them that you're weak, and they will likely try to manipulate you more than they already have.

    We're here for you anytime you need us, so please reach out if you need help, support, or advice.

    Sending you lots of positive energy and love.
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