Full Transparency

I posted in @StrengthOfWill's discussion yesterday. It was my first post to this site. I was moved by his comments about feeling badly about talking to perfect strangers and not his wife. And, interestingly, also by his comments about not knowing any female alcoholics--well, nice to meet you, here is one. I haven't really admitted that before, and I don't think I like it. Who would? I've always been a self labelled 'heavy drinker,' but is there really a difference? When you know it's a problem and has a hold on you, call it what it is, right? Anyways, his comments about not talking to his wife were relevant because my husband, an introvert by nature, a proud strong man, whom I adore, but don't tell him that enough, started using this site. I knew better than to take it personally, but yet, that is one of my super powers, taking things personally. And I didn't know why he couldn't just talk to me. So, I pounced. We argued. It was short, thankfully. And then he told me why it mattered and how it's helping him and reiterated to me, a point I've made to him in the past. That we need some kind of help to fight this battle beyond ourselves. So, I posted. I haven't read many of the threads here because of time. Work, kids, parent teacher conferences, karate runs, dinner, house-and oh yeah, that guy I've been married to for 22.5 yrs, my best good drinking buddy-it's all very time consuming. Certainly too much to spend the nights over drinking to wake up foggy and cranky and start it all again the next day. But, one of the topics I've noticed in what I've read is drinking to aid sleep. I'm fortunate to be a good sleeper. Except when I drink. Alcohol, Nyquil, sleep aids, they all knock me out, but only for a bit, and then I'm a restless mess struggling to really rest well. Tonight is one of my few experiences like this sober. Like admitting alcoholism, I do not care for it. So, in one of those lightning bullet moments in the middle of the night, I'm compelled to be fully transparent with who I am--my truth of battling the monster--and that I'm the wife of @HulkZmash. I didn't say so in my first post. Maybe a part of me wanted to spy on him, and see how he engages with people about such a wrenching life issue. Maybe a part of me wanted to give him space without me around to get community support privately. But, I am not a good secret keeper, only a good liar when I really need to be (as all alcoholics can atest), and after we talked about it tonight, realized that if sobriety is going to be successful, and if using this site is going to be meaningful and successful, I'd better not wait till it got weird to say I'm with that guy. I'm fortunate to be with that guy, and we're very much looking forward to this road getting easier. That's it for now. Maybe I can go and get back to sleep now! PS-One of my other super powers is the use of the run-on sentence. Apologies to you grammar buffs in advance.
  • 6 Commentsby Likes|Date
  • @SalTheGalFromCal welcome, and glad to see you ;) . Didn’t know you were up a few hours ago, but you’re not at the moment... This community is helping me, hope it helps you as much. Gotta get to work - happy Friday!
  • @SalTheGalFromCal hello and welcome!! really appreciate your transparency and your presence in this forum!! so glad you want to address your drinking behavior and make some positive changes to your life! it is SO worth the effort and bumps along the way....

    glad this forum has been helping you out....and that you and your husband are both working on your individual paths and your path together. good things are coming your way!!

    i found when i could become very truthful with myself...and with other safe people, i could then really begin to work toward lasting change. remember, it's progress we're after; not perfection.

    hope you got some sleep and hope to keep seeing you around here in the forum!

  • This post makes my heart happy! Thank you for sharing @SalTheGalFromCal (you both have been a great support for me along with others on here...) but wow! So Awesome
  • Thanks @blueorchid, hope you have a Monday!

    Oops, that was supposed to say 'Good' Monday. :)
  • Thank you for sharing! <3
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