My (assumed) narcissist husband walked out on me and my children. And yet I'm to blame?

I know it's bogus. But maybe it's 6 years and 2 children later that i think this. In my mind, i KNOW i would be better off. But my heart and emotions and his voice in my mind say otherwise. I love him. Greatly. He blames me. A big blame was that one of my family members called the police after physical abuse. He was promptly taken to jail. Of course, i did everything i could to bail him out and did, but now everything is my fault, including why he went to jail in the first place? He knows how to hurt me and cut me down like no one else, and he cuts DEEP. I struggled with alcohol over the past year after watching my mother die - and it was completely unexpected to me. I didn't handle it well. But the constant digs and blame and everything conflict with my love and my heart and my dreams for our future. I feel crazy. The pain is unreal. Any advice? Thanks for reading.
  • 8 Commentsby Likes|Date
  • Advice?
    1. Immediately Google "Codependency"
    2. Look for Codependency Anonymous meetings in your area
    3. Get yourself to a therapist ASAP.
  • @Damaged1981... Welcome to the community and thanks for sharing with us. I'm sorry you're having to go through this with your husband.

    I think @JoshuaShea has given you some good advice. You may also want to pick up and read a copy of Melody Beattie's terrific book Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. I think it might really help you.

    Loving a narcissist is not easy. Definitely look into therapy. A good therapist will be able to help you sort out everything you're feeling.

    We're here for you.
  • @Damaged1981 Hello and welcome to the Forum. Thanks for reaching out. You've gotten some pretty good advice so far. It sounds to me like you already know that you're codependent, and you're not really quite sure if you want to work on overcoming it. I'm pretty confident though that if you don't do something different, the rest of your life may be marked by one emotionally crappy cycle or relationship after another.

    If it's not with him, it'll be with someone else who uses you as a doormat if you allow him.

    There's also another pretty good book out there by Ross Rosenberg called the human magnet syndrome. I learned quite a bit out of that and ross also teaches quite a bit about codependency recovery.

    I have been in similar shoes, minus physical abuse and full blown narcissism. I mean regarding the intense inner pain that you feel, and perhaps even the pathological emptiness or loneliness. I learned a lot about codependency, I went to codependency Anonymous meetings, I did a lot of learning on my own, went to counseling, and started journaling and writing about my journey. It took years, and I still see characteristics pop-up ever, but I'm also able to experience peace and joy from doing the work.

    I think meeting face-to-face with a therapist will do you a world of good. Give yourself some time, maybe committing to 6-8 sessions.

    We're here to lend an ear and encourage you however we can. We know you are not the bad guy so to speak. And your husband isn't necessarily a bad guy either. You're two wounded Souls trying to do this healthy dance, tripping yourselves up with your unique pain, wounds and character defects. If that makes sense.

    Time apart may be a blessing in disguise...

    Hope this helps
  • I literally googled "codepency" as soon as i read all posts. Holy smokes. I fit it to a "T". I am trying to maintain normality for my boys. I do have a therapist that I am calling as soon as my monthly allowance from my mother's life insurance comes through. She specializes in domestic issues, grief, codependency, etc. I'm all about that.
    My question is this. In the moments where you feel like you can't breathe.. Like your guts are exposed and a breeze can hurt you.. How do you get by? I know I will eventually "be okay". But what about now? Anyone? Buehler? Buehler?
  • When I used to have anxiety/panic attacks, I had to get really logical. In the moment, recognize that it's happened before. Recognize that in every instance it's happened before, you've survived. You do get through them, whether they last three minutes or three hours. You know you can breathe and it's just a physical response to the emotional/intellectual turmoil.
    Then, start to tell yourself a different story. Make a list of the good things. You've worked yourself into that condition and you can work yourself out of it. Think about all of the couples who have never been able to have kids and the hole they feel. You don' t have that pain. Aren't you lucky? There are people who have parents who die and they didn't have insurance. Your mom had some and you get a monthly allowance. Isn't it great you had a parent who thought that far ahead and is still taking care of you? Think about the fact you know you have things to work on and you're going to be working on them. You're not a passive passenger anymore. You're going to get the help you need. Doesn't that provide a level of relief. Think of all the people whose lives were changed with horrible, tragic news yesterday of one kind or another and be thankful that you weren't part of that group.
    And of course, breathing exercises. Deep in through the nose, out through the mouth. Put your hand on your stomach and chest so you can feel the rhythmic rise and fall. It's like waves on a beach. Picture a beach as you do this.
    You're going to be OK.
  • @Damaged1981 i agree with joshua... but it's uniquely what will work for you in those moments. sometimes i had to call my biggest support person in those times... other times i just bawled my eyes out, allowing myself to "lose it"... other times i listed to guided meditations....(found on youtube). other times i had to go deep and picture my inner child, feeling abandoned, alone, and terrified... and i would visualize myself affirming her... letting her know that I AM NOT GOING TO ABANDON HER....and i would see my adult self going to her and scooping her up and holding her... loving on her...soothing her... letting her know she's not in danger...she's not alone...and she'll never be alone... this helped me a lot....

    keep coming here too... writing is therapeutic and we are here for you!
  • @Damaged1981 I am so sorry to hear this, and what everyone has said sofar is so fitting. A narcissist will never change. You can never win. The only way to not lose, is to refuse to play. Even when he does a u-turn and tries to get you back on side.... he is only doing it for his own personal gain.
    there is nothing to feel ashamed about. You don't love HIM... you love the person that you thought and hoped that he was. The act that he put on. A false persona. Yes, you were fooled, but at least you know now. That gives you the edge.
  • Hey, @Damaged1981... How are you doing today? Thinking of you and hope you're doing alright. We're here if you need us.
Sign In or Register to comment.