I finally ended my relationship with a PCP/drug user.

Hi everyone, I've been a lurker on this forum for about 3 months now and have to say reading everyone's stories and the moderators responses has helped me tremendously. So first thank you for that. I've been involved with a man for a year/half who has a history of drugs, been in and out of jail and a toxic lifestyle. This has been since he was a kid, probably around 13 years old. He has abused PCP, Cocaine and Aderall, but mostly PCP.. When we first started dating the very first week he wound up in the hospital because he OD'ed on PCP. That was my red flag to run and i didn't. The first 3 months was toxic, the year after he was mandated by the courts to go to rehab and get clean which he did. My life with him was good then, no arguing, no mood swings, he was clean. He graduated early from the program and then BAM, It was like a lion was set out of a cage. He was back to his old pattern of using, he would try to hide it from me but i would catch him, snap pics of him on facetime etc.. i have it all in my phone so i can look back at it now and it helps me heal. Seeing him high like that was very disturbing, that stuff is dangerous, he would get this blank stare, if he was on facetime he couldn't even speak. It was a struggle for him to get words out of his mouth. Honestly i was getting turned off. His withdrawl period was horrific, he was so moody and would pick fights. He would stutter, which was a dead give away..Just so unhealthy. Then we would have these periods where we would hit the gym together, eat healthy but then he would do drugs the next day. I will never understand this. Everything in his life is inconsistent. (sorry im all over the place ) We love each other so much but I'm a divorced woman with 2 kids, I'm 49 he is 45, he is not a good role model for my kids and to me there is absolutely no future with him. I have never done drugs, i have a great job, i work on Wall St in NYC and basically have taken care of myself since i'm 17. I have my act together. This was an up and down roller coaster ride that i needed to jump off of. he suffers from mental illness as well from his childhood.. His father was an alcoholic, so there is a history of addiction in his family. His finances are all over the place to the point he is in debt and about to claim bankruptcy, he fights with everyone and can't keep a steady job. The lies and disrespect is absolutely too much and he has given me anxiety through the roof. I've never given him any money not a dime, because i feel you got yourself into this mess, now you can get yourself out. I was raised old school. I've stuck by him through all of his issues, praised him when he was good, supported him encouraged him, but this life is not fair to me. It's a horrible feeling. I'm going to miss him, the good times we did have but i had to let him go. I let go and let God. I have started reading Melody Beattie Codependent No More. i actually purchased all of her books.. He was here this passed weekend and i took my keys back, told him to pack his things and leave, he didn't fight me on it either. He knows i'm fed up and what he is doing to me is messed up. He did go see his Counselor and the counselor told him that he shouldn't be in a relationship. All i keep saying is "I didn't cause it, I can't control it and i can't cure it" he has to want to fix himself. I am most likely going to go no contact and leave him be..it's the only way for me to recover/heal. I am strong but my heart is broken, i know in my gut that i'm doing the right thing/making the right decision. My future with him would of been hell and i have to put an end to it now. I haven't cried, i feel numb but i am hurt..I've been though tough times like this before so i know what to do to get through.. read, exercise and go back to what my life was like before him. One thing i have promised myself is i need to make better decisions when it comes to men, i seem to have my own pattern of picking men with issues, like i'm going to be their rescuer, i believe i'm an empath and that has to stop. This forum has been a wonderful way for me to get started with my healing process, i can't thank you enough. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
  • 2 Commentsby Likes|Date
  • @timetoheal

    Hello and welcome to the Forum. Thank you for reaching out. I'm glad that you've been able to read around The Forum and get some good insight and encouragement from it.

    I'm sorry that you're going through a heartbreak right now, but as you said, it's the best thing for you right now to let him be. It's certainly not easy to be with an active or recovering addict, and it sounds like you gave it quite a try. There's absolutely no shame in cutting ties and moving on with your life. I hope that he will take this time to continue to work on himself and his recovery.

    That's great that you're reading books by Melody Beattie. It sounds like you've gotten some great insight into yourself and the cycle of codependency. Continue to work on yourself and heal whatever it is that keeps you attracting men who aren't available or emotionally mature. In addition to reading, I found a good counselor who could help me heel at a deeper level, working on some inner child healing. I never really went back and talk to anyone about my childhood, and that fear of abandonment kicked my butt for a while.

    Sounds like you have a successful career and a wonderful family. That's wonderful! It will certainly take some time as you know, to heal, but it's definitely an opportunity to make a shift at a deeper level so that you won't keep reprinting the cycle that you've talked about.

    I think my only advice is to resist the temptation to reach for something or someone to numb the pain or to temporarily fill that void your feeling. Know that it's all right to feel sad right now and grieve the loss of this relationship. I found prayer and meditation helpful during that very rough time after the break-up. And having a couple people to help support me emotionally as well.

    Know that we are here for you cheering you on. Again, thank you so much for reaching out. Here if you need.
  • @timetoheal... Welcome and thank you for sharing so openly and honestly with us. As hard as it might be to deal with, I'm glad you made the difficult decision to do what's best for YOU. Remember: YOUR life is always the most important one.

    @dominica has provided you with some excellent words of wisdom, and I echo what she said. And please know that we are here for you anytime you need us. For help, support, advice, or just to listen. You can use us any way you'd like, okay?

    I'm sending you tons of love, light, and hope. You may be heartbroken and hurt right now, but in time you will feel better. I know it. And you will find all of the best things in life that you so richly deserve.

    Big hugs.
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