My Husband has Porn Addiction

What can I do so that I don't feel so hurt when this happens? I have tried to understand that he had this addiction since he was 12 years old. Yet I feel that I shouldn't have to stand him cheating. I mean, to me it's considered cheating watching porn. He, not only secretly does this, but wishes he was with whatever other woman is on the screen. I really don't know what to do. I've tried to be patient and understanding. I've even had intercourse with him one afternoon after he told me just to show him that I was supportive. But it still hurted like hell. What should I do?
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  • @PaPeFa hello there and welcome. thank you so much for reaching out. i'm sorry you're struggling with this.... i'm sure it is challenging....

    i don't have much experience with this topic, but there are some threads here in the forum where people have shared valuable insight and such for those who have partner's with a porn addiction...

    Here's one: https://talk.recovery.org/discussion/9941/support-for-spouses-of-husbands-addicted-to-porn#latest

    I'm sure others will pipe in with their thoughts too...just wanted to reach out and let you know that you're not alone and we are here anytime to support you!

    hugs.
  • I understand completely. I’ve been with my husband for 24 years and despite his claiming to be completely sorry and embarrassed it always happens again. In January I found he had posted pictures of me on porn sites asking people to rate them! I have never felt so betrayed and violated in my life. I’m at a point now that even though we have a six-year-old daughter one more time of dealing with this and I’m gone. I’m 42 I understand completely. I’ve been with my husband for 24 years and despite his claiming to be completely sorry and embarrassed it always happens again. In January I found he had posted pictures of me on porn sites asking people to rate them! I have never felt so betrayed in second in my life. I’m at a point now that even though we have a six-year-old daughter one more time of dealing with this and I’m gone. I’m 42 Not at all self-conscious and I stay in shape and take care of myself. He’s the opposite does not take care of himself whatsoever. The biggest problem that I had with porn and his addiction is it has caused him to have severe anger issues.
  • @PaPeFa... Definitely check out the posts in the link @dominica shared with you. I'm also hoping @JoshuaShea and others who have more experience in this area will stop by and comment on your post.

    We're here for you.
  • @PaPeFa Well, you have three choices, ultimately:

    1) You can leave. Nothing wrong with that. Feel not guilt. He wronged you and used you and people have left over far less.
    2) You can stay and demand he seek help. It's a tough road, not always successful, but can lead to a renewed marriage and a better life for you both.
    3) You can stay and do nothing. When nothing changes, nothing changes.

    Most people at first choose #2. If he's open to the idea, he could get counseling, maybe do inpatient rehab and/or 12-step groups. If he freaks about the idea he's an addict, that usually leads people to simply living a life in #3, which is sad and nobody should be made to feel miserable.
    Before anything goes further you need to sit down and figure out not just what you want, but what you NEED. If you need a husband who does not look at porn, what happens if this one either refuses to comply? If you need him to get help, but he doesn't, what is your response?
    At this point for you, it's about figuring out the boundaries of what you are willing to live with and what happens if your needs aren't meant. Once you know that, you can approach him as a strong, confident person who has a back-up plan if you get resistance.
    I suggest your first boundary created it to not be placed into a situation where you are treated as an object for his sexual urges and not treated as the woman who is his wife.
  • Thank you all for your support. I will talk to my husband and seek help. I will let you know what happens. Really, thanks a lot. I need this. I love my husband and I know he loves me too so we are really trying to look for ways to help our marriage. It will work out. I just know. :)
  • As always, thanks for your insight, @JoshuaShea. We're glad you're a part of our tribe!
  • My husband's porn habit is recent. It seems when he's high on cocaine he starts watching porn.
  • @micamacho hi there. welcome to the forum. so sorry you're going through this... do check out the links in this thread...i hope they are helpful for you.

    know that we are here to listen anytime.
  • @PaPeFa I’m sorry you are going through this, it is hard for both of you. My bf is a porn addict, and we got to a place where we are both comfortable. He was upfront when we got together and I said I would not participate in porn. We’ve had more difficult times but we’ve gotten through them with open and honest communication. I can sort of relate to addict, as My ex husband was/is abusive and I’ve been through similar facing it, admitting it, getting help phases. I try to see his addiction in a more factual way instead of emotional, and it helps. He doesn’t want this for me or himself, but he’s th only one who can seek help. The more i pressure him, the worse it gets, so I back off and eventually he figures it out for himself.
  • @micamacho... Welcome to the community. Please explore the other the various discussions here. You are not alone, my friend. We're here to help, support, and listen.
  • @micamacho Is he only watching porn when he does cocaine? Does he ever do cocaine without watching porn? Is his cocaine use frequent? What makes you think he's addicted to the porn?
  • He only views porn when using cocaine. Yesterday he did not view porn nor even today. Just when High. Cocaine - He uses about 3 x a week. He has always been a high functioning cocaine user and could go several weeks to months without but for the past weeks he's been using and not working Well works his landscaping business just cutting yards etc. but uses money for cocaine. He does not want to use and tonight said that he was thinking of not using tomorrow hen he goes out there to cut yards but that he felt a physical tingling pins and needles with heat just the thought about trying not to use tomorrow.
  • @micamacho is he willing to see an addiction specialist? chances are he will need some professional help to address his addictions....
  • @micamacho Frankly, I wouldn't worry about the porn right now. If the cocaine is the only trigger to watching porn, it's the coke that needs to be dealt with. If he start developing other porn triggers, that's one thing, but it may be that on a cellular level, the cocaine stimulates something that craves the porn. Eliminate the trigger, you probably take care of the porn issue. Focus on the cocaine.
  • @micamacho... I think @JoshuaShea is spot on. I think the most important thing your husband needs to address is his cocaine use. Is he willing to get professional help for that?
  • @micamacho . Wow. Cocaine. That's some serious and delicate stuff. Like everyone said, I don't you should worry about the porn addiction yet. He really needs to seek professional help. @ern When you write "in a factual way instead of emotional", do you mean like a problem that he has in within himself? I'm a little lost
  • @PaPeFa when I said factual instead of emotionL, I meant when I am able to really hear what he is really going through, we talk. I try to understand his perspective. It helps me to understand what he is going through. This process works for us, we are able to find ways to learn, grow, and move on. I do know he isn’t doing this on purpose, he is sick. He knows he hurts me and that makes him feel even worse. We focus on the positives, compliments help.
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