My husband has a porn addiction and shared photos of me!

I’ve been married for 23 years and with my husband for 24. We have four girls the youngest being six years old and have created a great life together with the exception of one thing. His porn addiction. It is been off and on for most of our marriage with large gaps of me not catching him in between, but I can always tell when something is up. But the greatest betrayal of my life happened in January when I found out he had taken and posted Pictures and even videos of me and posted them on porn sites! Wanting others to rate me! I am beyond lost at this point. I have had to stay home with my youngest daughter due to her health problems and quit my job five years ago so I’m completely dependent on him. He has a very stable job and is a great provider. I do love him and I feel bad in someways but this is just crossed the line! I’m not the type that would want him to have to pay me child support or take care of me if we’re not married to a point of him not being able to support himself. However I desperately want out of this never ending circle.! He has finally called on his own and set up an appointment with the therapist. Has anyone else ever dealt with this? Had their photo shared without permission? I had to send numerous emails to have them removed. Do you think this is something that he can get better from?
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  • @Tlc42... Welcome to the community and thank you for sharing with us. I'm sorry your husband is struggling with an addiction to porn. And I'm even sorrier that he betrayed you by sharing photos/videos of you. I can't imagine how awful that was for you.

    I don't have any personal experience in the porn addiction area, but I'm hoping others who do will comment on your post. I especially hope @JoshuaShea will weigh in. I'm sure he will have some words of wisdom for you.

    I do know this, though: You should definitely seek out some help for yourself. Seeing a therapist would probably be good for you. I think it would help you deal with the feelings you're feeling as a result of your husband's behavior.

    We're here to help and support you however we can, so feel free to reach out and lean on us anytime.
  • @Tlc42 What your husband did goes beyond immoral, which is subjective. What he did is illegal.
    You have yourself in a bit of tight spot here, as does just about everybody who thinks they can't make any changes. I would ask you this: If he went away TODAY, what would you do. It can be anything. He goes to prison, he simply abandons you, he dies...whatever...you fill in the blank. If your husband is gone today, what do you do? You don't curl up into a ball and die. Your daughter needs you. What does the world look like?
    I don't know anything about either of you and aside from his criminal act, there's not a lot to go on here, but I would say some therapy for you as @DeanD suggested. Your reaction seems far tamer than I'd expect for the average woman in your situation. Perhaps time has gone by, you're simply not hot-blooded or you feel too much under his thumb, but you need to talk to somebody about this who can facilitate your feelings in a healthy way.
    As far as trying to get them removed from the Internet...save your money on that one. They're out there now. If you think other people didn't download copies and could post them at any time, you're fooling yourself. And realistically, I'm sure you husband has more stashed away on a thumb drive somewhere. While it's not exactly a great thing, you can take some comfort in that hundreds of thousands of photos of new people hit the Internet every day and it doesn't have the stigma it once did. The actual odds of someone you know seeing you AND saying something are very minor. I'm sure it's not that helpful, but the math dictates it won't come back to haunt you.
    There are some stories on sites out there about women in similar situations. I know there was a site that had girls who felt they'd been taken advantage of by the Girls Gone Wild producers a while ago, but I have no idea if it's still around.
    Hopefully his addiction is addressed in counseling, but I think whatever drove him to sexually exploit you is outside of the realm of traditional porn addiction. That's probably what needs to be dealt with the soonest. If he's capable of doing that, what else is he capable of? That's what would scare me at night. As long as you think that you and your girls are safe, that's what's most important, but I think you need to start asking yourself some hard questions about what happens next if he doesn't get healthy.
  • @JoshuaShea I agree that my reaction has been surprising even to me. I almost feel emotionally numb right now. Nothing would surprise me after this. The photos he added online it would be very hard to identify as me because my face is hidden. However I did find messages from him offering to send photos of my face in exchange for pictures of other women. I am a Very conservative person.I do not watch porn nor have any interest in doing so. Im not the type to ever cheat or take my marriage vows lightly. I don’t know if his being two totally different people makes it even harder. Because he can be so sweet and kind and loving and then so emotionally abusive at the same time. we’ve been together since we were 17. I think my biggest thing is I’m terrified of uprooting my daughters life with her health the way it is. If he was gone today honestly I’d be lost.
  • @Tlc42 The people who love addicts often have an easier time putting people like us into different boxes. I still don't think my mother accepts the fact I was a porn addict or my wife accepts the fact I was an alcoholic. It's easier to see the people we love through our own lens, but what is in front of you is all there is. It's one person...one very complex person.
    I hope that the therapy has a positive impact on him, but you should have some kind of back-up plan if it doesn't. If that's just "learn to live with it" I don't agree, but it's more of a plan than you have now.
    I'd urge you to take a look at the resources page on my website at https://recoveringpornaddict.com/resources-2/ There may be some links there to places that can help you learn more about this and seek additional help for yourself.
  • @Tlc42 hey there. so sorry you've had to go through this... tossed into a sea of horrible feelings of betrayal for sure....

    joshua and dean have given some great insight and advice. i concur. i think therapy can be very helpful for your recovery from years of emotions you may have tucked away...

    there are some good books out there too, for wives of those struggling with porn addiction.

    know that we are here to rally around you for support!
  • Hey, @Tlc42... How are you doing? Please know that we are here for you anytime you need to us. Sending you hugs and hope, my friend.
  • My boyfriend did the same thing to me. He sent private photos of me to another woman online and posted a private video online. I feel hurt and betrayed and angry. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel numb and hopeless and scared.
  • @ASmitty98 Hello there. I'm so sorry that your boyfriend did that to you. I'm sure you do feel hurt and betrayed and angry. Here is a resource page that may be able to point you in a good direction.

    https://recoveringpornaddict.com/resources-2/ There may be some links there to places that can help you learn more about this and seek additional help for yourself

    I know @JoshuaShea hua has already given some great insight and advice on this thread, and if you're able to follow up with some therapy, do you consider that as well. And know that we're here to listen anytime.

    .
  • I'm very sorry that happened to you, @ASmitty98. I can't imagine what that must feel like. Sending you a big hug.
  • @ASmitty98 im so sorry! I know how you feel it’s been over a year and I still have serious trust issues! If you’re not married I hope you left. Don’t wait until you’re 24 years and like I am to try and get out
  • @Tlc42 hey there. how have you been doing? i see you posted over the weekend and just wanted to reach out...

    i am sure there are trust issues, but i hope you are doing better and that your husband has been getting some help.
  • Hope you’re doing well! Keep your chin up!
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