rape-porn and trauma

Hi, I'm new here, so please forgive me if I posted this in the wrong category or something. I have an embarrassing issue but I hope someone here could give me advice. I have been molested in the past and ever since I was very young I started to have rape fantasies and now I think that I'm addicted to violent porn. I have never had a relationship, because I'm very anxious, when someone approaches me and asks me out on a date. I couldn't imagine myself in an intimate relationship and the only thing when I feel "Safe" about my own sexuality is the idea of being forced. I feel so disgusted by myself whenever I watch this kind of porn but whenever I promise myself to never do it again, I only hold on to my resolution for about a month at best. I hate myself when I watch it and I feel that it only makes me relive the trauma instead of healing but I have no idea how to escape this viscous cycle. I also see a therapist for panic related issues but I'm too embarrassed to tell her that I watch this type of porn. I have installed a porn blocker but I always find a way to work around the program and I believe that this addiction will haunt me forever if I don't find the strength in myself. Has anyone here an idea how to win this battle?
Sorry for the mistakes, english is my second language and I couldn't find a forum like that for my country.
  • 4 Commentsby Likes|Date
  • @BlueRiver hello and welcome. thanks for sharing! i think that maybe you can open up to your therapist.... they are there NOT to judge (so if she does, move onto a different therapist)

    addiction is tricky... you've just got your brain hooked on a certain theme and it literally thinks it will die without another "hit"..... YOU are not the issue... addiction is.

    hopefully you will be able to work through this (and past abuse) in therapy... just my opinion, but you may not be able to handle it on your own or with a porn blocker. see a specialist :) no shame.... don't let that feeling of shame or anger hold you back. we tend to be our own worst enemy.... so allow someone else to help you heal and recover....

    does this help?
  • Thanks for your answer. This will take some time, but you're probably right, I will have to work on this in therapy. Maybe I need to wait a little longer to trust my therapist more. If someone here has a similar problem, I would love to hear their story as well.
  • @BlueRiver Hey there....I can identify with a lot of what you are saying and have met many who are much like us, so don't be afraid that you're the only one out there. Unfortunately, there may be far more of us than anyone is willing to believe. Tell someone you're trying to get help for a drinking problem and they call you a hero. Tell them you're getting help for a porn problem and they recoil. That needs to stop.
    I'm not a big believer in computer filters. As you said, it's easy enough to get around them and simply throwing a cardboard box over the problem doesn't solve it.
    If you're not willing to talk about the porn issue with your therapist, find another and start with that on day one. Depending on where you live it may be easy or hard to find specialists in the area. You'll want someone who subscribes to the idea porn addiction is a real thing. You're wasting your time if you're with someone who doesn't really understand this growing segment of addiction.
    My other advice is to not jump to conclusions why you like certain kinds of porn. I had a lot of ideas about why I did what I did, but it was only after a few years of therapy that I was able to figure out what the real story was.
    Please don't hesitate to look at my site, https://www.RecoveringPornAddict.com for a lot of other resources.
  • I'm glad you found us and reached out, @BlueRiver. We are here to help and support you however we can.
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