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I can’t even....It’s hard to even put into words where I am at.
My husband my best friend has struggled with pornography since maybe he was 14. We started dating at 16. Here we are 18 years later and porn is still unfortunately an issue for us.
Growing up every man in my life cheated on every woman and left her for the next best thing. So I came to into our relationship with insecurities.
I considered not marrying him knowing that porn was an issue but I was young and in love. It was a secret I never shared with anyone ashamed embarrassed. I did think when we married it would stop because of course we would have a fulfilling passionate marriage......
We both have our moral and religious reason why we don’t want porn in our life.
He shares information with me he owns it takes responsibility for it is very sorry. Almost makes him self sick with guilt.
He has had counseling. We have gone together.
I have never once caught him in the act. Never once seen anything left behind. I’m just aware when this is in our life by the distance I feel from him. I’ll ask him and then he’ll confess.
He has no accounts to anything has never spent money on anything. Has never cheated with a person. To my knowledge doesn’t have any over the top fetishes. It’s your average porn that he becomes obsessed with and maybe views in 3-5 times a day short amounts of time and out of the week maybe maturbates one time. He said that act brings on extreme guilt so he tries not to go there.
I thought we were officially recovered from this. I am completely over it. Knowing I’ve been lied to. Knowing he was doing this when I needed help with our children. Knowing I’ve been rejected for sex countless times because of porn and blah blah. Everyone knows all that comes along with it.
He is my best friend a great dad to three kids. Amazing provider always there for me. But I want to leave. I want away. It hurts me to bad. More than the actual porn. Just the secrets and lies and precious time wasted. The distance between us when things could have been some much better. I’m not ok with mediocre. I want to live abundantly. I know that’s what I deserve.
There is no way in the world I will ever trust him again. I feel like a fool that I have tried for this long ....
I need some encouragement. I’m so broken right now.
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