My sex addiction VS my husband's porn addiction

The title probably says a lot.. But I will give some background before heading into our real problem.
My husband developed a porn addiction in his teens, and now is into his 30's and it hasnt slowed down. For a long time it didn't effect our relationship, since he also has a high sex drive and had no problem giving me what I need- which is basically sex at least 5 days a week (though once or more a day is preferable to me). I was more than ok with his addiction because of this, and everything was great.
I started with a porn addiction in my early teens, which quickly turned into asex addiction once I was with my "high school sweetheart". Although it never actually led to me physically cheating as I have always been very against infidelity, there were times in a past long term relationship that was basically sexless where I would have quick internet flings to satisfy myself as much as possible..
Since being with my husband I have never had any of these "internet flings", and was very happy and satisfied with our relationship.He may not always be willing to try all of the crazy things I want- but I am ok with that and excited when he does ask to open up to more.

The problems began when I got pregnant with our first child.. Although he's addicted to all kinds of porn- pregnancy has never been something he found attractive. Despite me not gaining much weight and looking good, he began turning me down for sex and choosing to masterbate instead.
I tried to be ok with it, and asked if he would at least let me take care of him. Even if he was still watching porn- I was ok with getting nothing from him as long as I could be the one to satisfy him, which in turn would satisfy me... But he wouldn't comply. I even asked if I could watch and satisfy myself while he did- and again he wouldn't comply.
It was then I became very distraught and started (for the first time ever) going through his phone- and found he was masterbating to SSBBW woman who even at my biggest in pregnancy were still easily 3-6x my size. I always knew he liked thicker women, I'm a thicker but in shape woman- but seeing he was getting off to these (in my opinion in my emotional state- I have no intention of offending anyone) grossly obese woman and didnt want anything to do with his beautiful wife...
This led to me being very self conscious and untrusting for the first time, which caused many fights and problems between us, and it was all over porn.. Eventually it led to therapy. For me. Because my husband will not agree to seek help...

After the pregnancy things got better, we got back on our "normal" routine and he agreed to not look at SSBBW porn...
I thought that would be enough, but its not. Despite my therapy, I still have a compulsion to go through his phone every day and look at the porn ge has watched. If he does it incognito I can't help but get furious and feel he's hiding things..
I'm even to the point that I can not enjoy porn myself anymore... At least not straight guy-on-girl porn. It just upsets me and angers me. Instead I only watch lesbian porn, transexual porn, and have even started watching gay porn.
We both have watched "Shemale" porn for a long time, and now its the only porn he watches that I don't get upset about... Though I am usually able to bite my tongue about the "regular" porn he watches, as long as its not an overweight woman, but in my mind it still hurts and angers me when he watches any man-on-woman or solo women masterbating porn, unless its a male-female-female threesome... Which doesn't make sense to me. I've actually brought a fenale friend to bed with us several times and have no issues or jealousy with it, and it is always my idea- so I can't understand why his porn habits are upsetting me so much..
My sex drive has even dwindled, as my self confidence has still not been completely restored and I feel as though every porn he watches with a man and woman or just solo women that he wants THOSE women and not me...
Although I am going to therapy, I'm starting to wonder if its just not working, or if my therapist hasnt found a way to really offer the needed advice to help me... I also wonder if my husband's unwillingness to go to counseling plays a part as well.. He said he will do couples counsling, but is obviously against it and my therapist doesnt think couples counsling will help if he's not willing to seek individual help for hinself as well..

I apologize for the long post, and am looking forward to any advice anyone may have or even personal insight to share on my situation. Thank you for your time and hopefully your response.

Jessi
  • 3 Commentsby Likes|Date
  • @Jessi2127 HI Jessi....I apologize for missing this for a few days. I'm working on my new book and helping a few people with my peer support side biz, so I've been slacking a little on the message boards.
    Can I throw a wild idea out there? You're a hypersexual person, but you're not a porn or sex addict. It's possible to want sex 10 times a week and not be an addict. Being an addict has very little to do with the actual sex or porn.
    Your husband came into the relationship with the problem, so you have to understand on a logical level, it has nothing to do with you. Whatever the reason for the addiction, and how it has evolved, you're just the unlucky person who gets hurt by being the wife. It really isn't about you, so don't compare yourself positively or negatively to the porn he's looking at. He's just looking at whatever can get him off at the moment and he'll evolve into something else once the fat lady stuff doesn't hit the dopamine receptors anymore.
    The one thing you didn't mention is if your husband is in full agreement with the porn addiction diagnosis you've provided. If he does, has he expressed any interest in getting help. You are to be applauded for going to a therapist on your own. That's the smartest thing you could do in this case. You need to take care of you and your family first. Maintaining mental health is key.
    You've proven that he's not a sex addict. Hopefully people reading this will also see that even if you provide a sexual Valhalla for him with other women, porn being OK, etc....it doesn't fix the addiction. Banning him from porn doesn't fix the addiction either, unfortunately.
    I don't know enough about your situation to give specific advice about what to do next or what to say to him, but I think your story does illustrate a lot of myths debunked. Your hypersexuality may be waning as you get older and embrace motherhood. His addiction will almost certainly not get better anytime soon unless proper professional help is given.
    Check out my website at http://www.RecoveringPornAddict.com and check out a few of the Q&A questions on the front page that came from wives in situations similar to yours. It may give you a little more to go on, and the resources page on the site will also give you places to turn if you want to continue researching this. Good luck.
  • @Jessi2127 hello and welcome!! thanks for reaching out! joshua has given you some great insight and advice... please follow through on that and let us know your progress.

    we are here for you however we can be... hope to keep hearing from you!
  • Welcome to the community, @Jessi2127. Definitely listen to what @JoshuaShea has told you. And know that we are available for support and help whenever you need it.
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