Broken up by a Borderline Personality

Hi everyone,

I've been in a relationship with a BPD girl for the past 3 years and she actually just broke up with me a few weeks ago. We've had a very high-low relationship as you all know BPD can bring. I've been asking for breaks throughout our time together to which she always said, "I'm not ready for a break" etc. so we just pushed forward. I've always held myself back from fully giving myself to her because I was too afraid what her already volatile emotions would be like if we were a serious relationship. So one day she just disappeared for a whole weekend without telling me what/where she went. I was worried and after 2 days she said she just had an epiphany that she needs more and she wants a break. I was really considering maybe I should give more and offer myself to her completely. However she dropped a small hint that she had found someone and she wants to explore this further. One day to the next her loving/admiring self (that I was used to) was no long loving but resentful and hateful. She made sure to keep texting and calling me only to make me feel like sh*t and how this was all my fault anyway, but she has now moved on and I'm no longer wanted. Our entire relationship was about her emotions, I never did enough, she was always hurt by something or someone and I needed to come and make her feel better. Her abusive behavior didn't manifest itself often but when it did it was hostile. Mainly her emotional status when the BPD was showing was with inconsolable crying and complete breakdowns, which was on and off every other week or so. Now that she no longer wants anything to do with me (which funny enough I have been wanting and secretly wishing for) all I want is for her to come back to me. Knowing that she moved on so quickly also makes this entire situation much more painful. I'd love to hear from those who have been in similar situations and what's your best advice for someone who feels completely tormented by all this. I feel addicted to her and can't think about anyone else but her even though I know deep down we had such a toxic relationship. Thanks everyone for reading.
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  • I think the fact that you are willing to be in a relationship with such a person needs to be your main focus and main concern. There may be something in your psychological make up which makes you very vulnerable to and even attracted to someone who does not treat you right. I've been that way all my life and I've been with one inappropriate partner after another. They all have mistreated me in various ways and yet I continued to be attracted to that type of person. If I had it to do over I would know what to avoid when I get that feeling of attraction.
  • @lostandconfused18 i tend to agree with @enaid ... there's something in you (unhealed wounds from childhood perhaps) that draws you to people like that... it may be a good idea to explore this more with a trained psychologist....

    how are you doing??
  • Great insight, @enaid. Thanks so much for weighing in.

    @lostandconfused18... When you have a chance, let us know how things are going in your world.
  • Thanks everyone. It's been really hard I can't deny that. Everyday is a struggle but I've been reading a LOT on BPD waif, which seems to by my ex's type. I've also started to go back to therapy and it helps to talk. It seems friends and family just don't get it, they are thinking I'm taking this overboard and should just move on. "Get over her, she's crazy and find someone better." is usually the note. After reading and listening to other victims of BPD I'm beginning to understand this disorder and remember signs in our relationship that should've struck me harder. I agree @enaid I do have issues, my typical personality is the Caregiver, or White Knight syndrome and have to constantly "help" anyone and everyone, so there's a starting point for my therapy I suppose. Thanks @dominica having this forum actually is a big support of mine so I can't express how grateful I am to have found you guys here. @DeanD I have to say it's probably the most dramatic and emotional wreck that I've been in, what's especially hard is that I've been so quickly discarded, fooled by emotions etc. so it's painful and confusing to come to terms with it. I've been taking my energy out on running and martial arts, so these physical activities help channel my pain. I hope you all are doing well and I will keep everyone posted. Guess the hardest part for my Caregiver personality is to try to take care of myself and not focus on others' needs. You have no idea how thankful I am for all the comments. Much appreciate you all!
  • @lostandconfused18 that's great about therapy and exercise and martial arts. i think martial arts sounds very interesting :)

    yes, therapy should prove beneficial for sure... let us know how it goes!

    and have a great weekend.
  • I can relate to your caregiver personality, @lostandconfused18. I'm that way, too. Unless I really concentrated on it, I would always put my own well-being last. But I've gotten way better at putting me first over the last few years. It's a learning process.

    Keep doing the running and martial arts. Physical exercise is a great way to channel negative feelings. Plus it's healthy, too!

    Sending hugs your way on this Monday. :)
  • Hi everyone,
    I have a probably obvious and maybe a little stupid question for you all, but at this point my head is still foggy as to what to make of this. So my ex-BPD has been texting/calling off and on, trying to "salvage our friendship" and be "friends". I've clearly stated to her not to contact me for a while so I can heal and see what's what clearly, and see if I can even be friends. I've deleted her numbers, social pages etc. but I'm just too weak not to answer that damn phone. I have read about hoovering and their cunning purpose so I'm proceeding with extreme caution. She keeps trying to tell me that I'm friends with other exes why couldn't we just be friends....etc. while she's knee deep in her new relationship (which is pretty strange that she doesn't think it's a bit inappropriate considering she left me a month ago). She keeps telling me that maybe she can offer me closure (since I've told her she just left without any warning or closure).... sigh this is extremely difficult bc I'm still so wounded from all this.
    What is your take on this attempt (again you might think this is an obvious answer but I'm still wrapped up in this too much to see clearly)?
  • @lostandconfused18... I'm sorry she keeps contacting you. I'm sure it's very difficult for you. If you don't want to be "just friends," that's okay. I would just let her know that.
  • @lostandconfused18 From what I have heard most people say after ending a relationship, to try to be friends right away hardly ever works out. Because there are still some pretty strong feelings usually, and it takes time to process and heal the wounded feelings. Perhaps you can tell her that you need some time and space to heal and get on with your life. And think about the time frame that you feel comfortable with, say three to six months. Let her know that you'll reach out after that time and if you feel like it after that time, and feel like you could be her friend, then go for it. She could still be relying on you for some sort of emotional security. But it's really tough to know. But like Dean says, if you can't be friends with her right now and if it's causing you some distress, you have every right to let her know. Hope this helps!
  • You're not a bad person if you can't or don't want to be her friend right now. Give yourself permission to take care of you.
  • Thanks for your feedback @dominica and @DeanD it helps to get a third party perspective on things so you don't think you're going mad, ha. I will just take my own beat on this and see how/what I feel rather than listen to her empty words at this point. Sigh.
  • @lostandconfused18... YOUR life should always take priority. So do what works best for YOU.
  • @lostandconfused18 Absolutel. It's always good to run things by some others like you said, to keep your sanity. Keep taking care of you!
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