My Son ~ My Love

My son is a struggling addict. Many days I feel cold waves of fear running through my body. He's 21 years old and a father to three. His oldest is a 4 1/2 year old boy and he has 16 month old twin daughters.
He is a sensitive loving kid. He has always been a follower and cares what other people think of him. I'm trying to get him to go to counseling because he has had a lot of events that I think he tries to escape by using drug. Our house burned down when he was 11, then his uncle died and he found him in the apartment when he was 12, there was no wake or funeral . He was in a car accident with his brother when he was 14 and the following week one of his good friends was killed in a car accident. That was the first wake that he went to and it was awful. When he was 17 he was forced to give up his 2nd son to adoption. The girls parents told him that it was that or they would have him charged with statutory rape. That was when he started getting into more drugs and the past two years have been worse. (I can't say I disagreed with the girls parents about the adoption. She was a year younger than him) Now he is going through a nasty custody case for his oldest son. Some days I want to smack him because he has everything going for him in the custody case. We tried really hard to make sure that everyone got along but now it is to the point that drop-off/pick-ups are done at the police station. my grandson's mother is living with her grandmother and the grandmother makes all the decisions. At first I felt bad for the girl but she's almost 25 and has a child, she needs to start making the decisions for herself and her son. As of right now she's not living with him, she is living in a college dorm. They have accused my son of punching my grandson in the stomach so DCF is involved. (the physical abuse was unsupported, but they are keeping the case open because they can't get along). Three weeks ago, she took my name off the pick-up list at pre-school saying only my son could pick him up. He drove out there to bring the court order because she said there wasn't one. (he doesn't have a license because he drives like crap). Then she called the cops and told them that he was picking his son up with no license. My daughter one car home and I drove my son and grandson home. They play these crazy games all the time. He hasn't been going to the pick-up/drop-off because they usually start trouble. All this tension is not good for a four year old to be around.
Anyways, he relapsed around the time of the pick-up at school incident so we sent him to my aunts house in SC last week. He seems to be clean but he has a drug test Friday (hair follicle) that I'm assuming he will not pass. My nerves are shot and I'm trying to support him without enabling. some days I just want to sleep until everything gets better . But he's such a sweet kid normally that I plow through and try to keep him positive.
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  • @mammakim Sorry to hear what you are going through. I'm the mother of an addict and I tend to enable my son in many ways. Sometimes, not really meaning to. But I draw the line with anyone if there are children involved. My son doesn't have children, but if he did I would not want my grandchild around him if he were using. It sounds like your son could definitely benefit from counseling /therapy and hopefully you can convince him it's in his best interest. I know a couple of people involved in a custody battle and it seems like each will resort to the game playing you speak of. If your son is using or drives like crap he shouldn't be driving with the child in the car. The best thing he can do is get clean and stay clean and then maybe there wouldn't be such a battle. You know your son is a sweet kid, but the grandmother may not. I'm sure everyone involved just wants what they feel is best for the boy, and may be worried, as you are. Is your son capable of having custody, or are you just talking about visitation rights? Well hopefully your son will stay clean and everything will work out. The victim of all this is the child. Hopefully everyone involved will put their own needs aside and do what is best for him.
  • I should have specified better about his driving. He drives like crap when he is alone but when his kids are in the car he drives good. He lost his license originally for two speeding tickets and an accident. (no drugs involved). He was clean at the time.
    The custody issues did not start with the drugs, it started when he was clean for over 6 months. She wanted to move to Arizona with someone she met online and have custody of him for three months then ship him to my son for three months. He was three at the time and my son didn't want him to move. Since then the allegations of physical abuse and all kinds of other things have come up. It's out of spite because she didn't get to move. My son didn't help the situation by relapsing. I'm angry with him because he is a great father but the drugs are an issue. I don't know if he is using the stress as an excuse or he is having issues coping.
  • I should also mention that he lives with me with his twin daughters and his son comes every Wednesday/Thursday and every other weekend so I see his interaction and if there was any issues I would not have a problem stepping in.
  • @mammakim That is great you are also there for your twin grandchildren. People can definitely be spiteful. But as you know, it doesn't help his situation if he is relapsing. At this point it doesn't matter what caused it, he needs to get it together for his kids sake. I'm not an expert but therapy and stress management could certainly help. Good luck to both of you.
  • Yes he does need to stay clean, I am just thinking of the cause to prevent a future relapse. I agree that therapy would help with coping skills. Thank you. The whole situation stinks :(
  • @mammakim Hello and welcome. I'm so sorry that your son is struggling with addiction. I have a 23 year old son who struggles with drinking. He does not live with me, but I do understand the struggles of the mama who loves their sons more than anything and wants so much good for them.

    I agree that therapy can be helpful. But it really won't be that helpful unless he's wanting to go and honest when he does go. Still, if he agrees, send him. What does he say when you talk to him about it? Do you have a particular therapist in mind? It would be a step in the right direction.

    In the meantime, do what you can to find a good supportive Network for yourself or you'll go crazy. Having a loved one with an addiction has the potential to stifle our growth and our life if we allow it. So learning how you can live your life without the emotional chaos or self-imposed prison should be at the top of your agenda, whether your son stops using or not.

    There's a great book called Beyond Addiction: How science and kindness can help people change. This book has helped me learn how I can best support myself and my son whether he stops drinking or not. here's a link to a PDF.

    I found a hard copy at my local library, and of course, it's available for sale at Amazon. It's worth the read.

    Know that we are here for you to support and encourage you however we can. It helps me to know that I'm not alone and being a part of this forum has helped me in learning how I can actually go on living my life not letting a loved one's addiction take over my life.... I still struggle at times, but way less...and I do pray and believe for my son (and yours) to desire to stop drinking/using...and remember who they really are.
  • @mammakim... Welcome to the community and thank you for sharing with us. I'm very sorry to hear about the battle your son is going through with addiction. Like @tiredmom and @dominica, I am also the parent of a son who struggles with addiction. My son is 28 and has been struggling with this disease on and off since he was 15. So I can definitely relate to what you're going through.

    As hard as it may be, the best thing you can do at this point is concentrate on the one person you CAN control: YOU. You have to take good care of yourself, or your son's addiction could end up taking both of you down. I know you desperately want to fix your son, but we can't do that. Our loved ones are the only ones who have the power to do that.

    Self-care is so important for parents of addicts. And it's not selfish. If you have a spare couple of minutes, read this blog I wrote for a website back in January:

    Self-Care Isn't Being Selfish

    We are here for you, my dear. If you need help, support, advice, or just someone to listen to you vent, please come and lean on us. We are a community of caring people who just want to help others...and maybe get some help back as we're doing that.

    I'm sending you tons of love, light, hope, and prayers. And I will keep your son on my heart, too. We are in a club we never wanted to be in: Parents of Kids Who Struggle with Addiction. We can either choose to try to make things better for ourselves, or choose to wallow in self-pity and gloom. I choose the former, and I hope you will, too. Remember: YOUR life matters, too! <3
  • I so like the prayer you pray, @dominica, that your son, and other's, "desire to stop drinking/using, and remember who they really are." It is a much more appropriate, rational, and realistic prayer, than to have them simply "stop" the behavior.
    Welcome to the forums, @mammakim, you've come to the right place for support, encouragement, prayer, etc. You, your son, and your grandchildren are all in my immediate prayers, today! o:)
  • @DeanD @dominica @Goodtr8s @tiredmom Thank you for the prayers, I need them. I DO need to take better care of myself, that I do know. I work 60 hours a week (some at home luckily) pick up the girls every day at daycare and my grandson twice a week. My son goes with me but until he gets his license back, hubby does the drop off an I do pickups. In one way it is good because he talks to me on the drive there.
    He is going to his first therapy appointment tomorrow, hopefully it goes well. I feel like you have to "click" with the person in order to be able to talk to someone freely. We shall see how it goes. He has gone in the past for a few sessions.
    I did get on my library website and put requests in for

    Beautiful boy : a father's journey through his son's addiction
    Beyond addiction : how science and kindness help people change: a guide for families
    If you love me : a mother's journey through her daughter's opioid addiction

    And also a fun book by Brenda Novak :smile:

    Other than that I took the day off to go to his DCF meeting and pick up my grandson from preschool. I visited my mom (she has kidney cancer so she doesn't get out much) then I watched the girls for 20 minutes so they could paint with my grandson.

  • @mammakim... Another book I highly recommend is Don’t Let Your Kids Kill You: A Guide for Parents of Drug and Alcohol Addicted Children. It really helped me on my journey.
  • @DeanD I will look for that book as well through Amazon. It is not at the library. Thank you for the suggestion! Any help is welcomed :smile:
  • @mammakim Molly is a stimulant type drug so I am guessing it would have an effect similar to speed. More awake, hyped up, energetic. ?? I remember reading once there are alot of dangerous chemicals and alot is made in Chinese labs. That is all I know. My son says it is also the same as Ecstacy?
  • @tiredmom Molly isn't the same as ecstasy, although people take it for most of the same results. Molly is the street name for MDMA. It provides a euphoric high.
    @mammakim As the guy who was the addict years ago, I'd say you're doing the right things. He'll push away if you push too hard. There's nothing I've read that sounds like you're enabling him. You're helping in supportive ways. That's not going to stop his addiction, but it does give him some sense of a stable base. If he's ever going to truly come back, that stable base is going to be crucial. Most addicts don't have it, so he's lucky that way.
    I won't repeat all the self-care stuff, but I can tell you I put my parents through hell, almost five years into recovery I still don't like to talk about it with them, but I never could have done it without them.
  • Great perspective from the other side, @JoshuaShea.
  • @JoshuaShea Thanks for the education. I'm actually glad my son was off in his information, as that is one drug he doesn't use and apparently is not an expert like he is with every opiate known to man, since they are his DOC. I'm wondering if that mama is one of the ingredients in Molly. Now I am curious.
  • @JoshuaShea mdma. Not mama. I hate that automatic spelling correction. Lol
  • @tiredmom They are often used mistakenly interchangeably, because they cause the same effects. Different at a chemical level, but both still make you think you're a much better dancer than you really are.
  • Molly is another name for ecstasy...

    In the lab, it's more commonly known as MDMA, which is short for 3,4-methylenedioxymethamphetamine. A mouthful, I know.

    And you really never know what the heck is in it... some ingredients NOT safe.
  • @JoshuaShea Thank you for your insight! I truly appreciate your thoughts. It is hard for me sometimes to hold back my anger with him. I usually wait a few hours or even a day to talk to him so i can put my thoughts in order. I DO want him to know that he has made me mad but in a way that we can discuss it VS screaming at each other. That's not to say we haven't had words though. I try to stay calm though. It's rough but I am hoping he is turning the corner.
  • @dominica today was his first therapy appointment. He said he thought the counselor was ok but it was mostly intake so they didn't talk issues yet. He has an appointment for next week so that is a plus.
    Hubby has a low tolerance for everything that is going on with him our son. Today for example my son wanted a ride to the store and he freaked out on him and then threw his coffee on him and giving him the keys to the car and told him to drive himself. He doesn't have a license so it could have turned out bad for all of us if he was caught. My son just should have sucked it up and waited to go to the store until I got home. The store is probably 5 minutes from the house driving. UGH I'm not fighting with him about it but it stresses me out more. Hubby has never had patience. Makes it tough
  • @mammakim I'm sorry to hear that happened with your husband and son. My husband who is my sons stepfather does not have the patience for my son at times. Unfortunately, this does not help your son in the least as that only causes more stress for your son who is probably already struggling. Your son could have waited of course but I think it is a little unreasonable for your husband to freak out like that. My husband does the same thing at times and I feel that sometimes my husband takes his own shit out on my son. Of course there are many times my son gets what he deserves with some of his own ridiculous behavior, but myself and my husband are trying to pick our battles. If someone threw coffee on me I would get my garden hose and hose them down! Lol Just let me say I know how you feel. There are day I am not sure who I want to smack upside the head. My son or my husband.
  • @mammakim... Happy to hear that your son has started therapy. It will take some time to get into the issues, but if he's patient and honest I think therapy will help him a lot.

    I also think your husband should read the Beyond Addiction book. And maybe consider going to counseling. It sounds like he could use some help in dealing with the situation with your son. Getting angry is one thing; throwing coffee on someone is another. When my son was struggling with addiction early on, I was a mess, too. Therapy and educating myself really helped me, which is why I'm suggesting it for your husband. I'm not judging. Not at all. Just trying to help.

    Happy Friday. I hope you can have an enjoyable weekend. Remember to practice self-care, because it's super important.
  • @mammakim yay about your son and therapy!!

    I'm sure that is challenging to deal with a husband that flies off the handle. It would be wonderful if he would own his stuff and consider attending therapy. Regardless, you can continue to practice self-care and nurture yourself. Some people aren't willing to do the work, and that's just life. But that doesn't mean that we have to be held hostage to their emotional chaos.

    I hope that you have a wonderful day and a blessed weekend!
  • @mammakim I was thinking about your situation a little bit last night regarding your husband not having patience with your son. There are probably many emotions associated with your son and his problems, but I kind of came to the conclusion that I believe my own husband is a little jealous of the time I give my son. You seem to be very busy with your son and grandchildren so I am wondering how much time you have for your husband. I'm not giving your husband or mine an excuse for unreasonable behavior, but I noticed my husband is happier, calmer, and more forgiving of my sons behavior, when I set time aside to give my husband more attention. It's just a thought.
  • @tiredmom Yes I agree with your thoughts that we do have to set some time aside. Right now I have been consumed with work, my son, the grandkids (and my mom has cancer). He has been running to his parents to help them with getting their house fixed up for insurance renewal. We have so much going on, I do feel like the gerbil running on the wheel some days.
    @DeanD Hubby is not a reader at all, I will try to get him to read the book, it is in transit to my library. I know my daughter will. I did talk to my husband today about having more patience with our son and he was good today well so far. It is only 7pm. It used to be my older son that he butted heads with but now it's my younger one.
    I am the kind of person who holds everything in so coming here is therapeutic for me. Kind of hide behind the computer a bit :smile:
    I am hoping the weekend will be good, he seems depressed today because he just had his hair follicle test and it will probably come back bad. I just talked to him and said that he needs to take responsibility and go forward. He can't change the past. Hopefully he listens. We shall see.
  • Glad coming here is doing you some good, @mammakim. That’s what we’re here for. B)
  • @mammakim Wow you do have a lot going on. I'm sorry to hear about your mom. That must be tough too. My mother has some health issues also and needs help with different things. I bet your house gets noisy with the grandkids. I would absolutely lose my mind. I could never handle it. At one time I was very sociable, upbeat and outgoing. I loved being on the move so to speak. But I think years of problems and chaos has taken its toll and now I just want QUIET! I can barely handle having my four year old granddaughter around for more than 3-4 hours. I can't take the noise. Living with my son has completely changed me. And not for the better. But reading your posts got me thinking. I know if I didn't have to deal with him I would probably have so much more patience. So I think this week I will take my granddaughter out to dinner. Just the two of us. She loves to eat!! And maybe to the library to read a couple of books to her. Everyone takes a backseat to him and that needs to stop! Today he bugged me and begged and pleaded for money for gas so he could go hang out with some girl he been talking to online. I never know what to do because I know he gets lonely and is really pretty isolated and bored. I don't have a problem helping him once in awhile if he is not going to use the money for drugs. I don't think he is today, but we'll see. Well I hope you are having a good evening and everything is going good.
  • @tiredmom I get it! I also never know if I am doing the right thing when I help him. He's been. As far as patience, for the most part I do still have patience. Every now and then when my anxiety is high, my patience level drops and I have to either pace or do something to get my mind off my troubles. Usually I can't be near people because their presence just irritates me. LOL Work has been tough when I feel like this but I think I have mastered the fake smile and can be pleasant even if I am thinking UGH get away in my mind.
    I hope you have a good dinner with your granddaughter
  • Hey, @mammakim... Just wanted to check in with you. How are you doing today? How was your weekend?
  • @DeanD Today was rough. I think I am a bit depressed. Son borrowed 45.00 for a drug test for a supposed job. Not sure if I believe him but I guess we will see. I had a bit of words with him about the job situation because I am usually the one driving him so I switch my hours every time he gets a new job. Work is OK with it for the most part but I work 65 hours so lately it has been hard getting them in. I don't mind driving him but the constant switching of jobs drives me insane. I worked one job for 14 years and another for 10. We yelled at each other for a couple minutes which freaks him out because I am not a person who yells. It's just going to be a rough week. He's waiting for the results of his hair follicle test and my mom is getting the results of her MRI to see if her chemo is working. I think my nerves are just shot. I even told him to stop jumping on my tantrum.
    The weekend was good though. My son carved a pumpkin with his son and his girlfriend made rice crispy treats with him to decorate. It was a pretty quiet weekend. I'm just hoping he is staying clean. I drive myself crazy just wishing for it.
    I picked my books up from the library and will start reading beyond addiction tomorrow.
  • @mammakim You really do have a busy life. You are certainly working alot of hours. I don't know how you do it. I'm wondering do you know he actually had a job interview? Who took him? I'm to the point I barely believe anything my son says. It would be great if he could get a job, but I can see how that will put more on your plate. My son lost his license for a year, then I became his taxi. He is driving again and just got a car but I am not sure it is a good thing or not. Now it's easier for him to go get drugs if he wants them. It just never ends. Nice your son carved pumpkins yesterday with his son. Try to compliment him and give some positive enforcement when he is doing something good. Hope you are having a good night.
  • I drove him to one Friday, it was for a temp place. I am at that point too. It makes me feel guilty if he is actually telling the truth though. Hopefully my son only lost his through December. Some days are easier than others. Today I don't feel well, my head is stuffy and my ears hurt so when he was asking for a ride I was rolling my eyes. I feel the same way about him getting his license back, I won't know where he is. He has to own his recovery though and want it. realistically I know that. I kind of wish it was legal to lock him in the cellar for a year or so until the withdrawals and cravings went away :neutral:
    I do compliment him for the good things he does. I took some pictures of his son with the pumpkin. I am pretty open with him, he knows my feelings. Like most moms I just want him to be happy.
    He is home again and it doesn't look like he used but I really can't tell. He seems the same as before he left. I looked up the signs of use and still can't really tell. He is kind of like his father with the small explosions of anger so its hard to decipher.
    On a good note he did ask me to go to a meeting with him. I have always told him that I would go. Hopefully he follows through.
  • @mammakim I had to chuckle about you wanting to lock him up in the cellar. I actually thought about handcuffing my son to his bed and if he screamed, duct taping his mouth! And telling him if he wanted to eat he better be quiet! But of course that was not an option. I would end up on the news and talked about on the Nancy Grace show! He would get all the sympathy. I would get none. Lol. One of the biggest problems I have when my son is driving, is drug using friends call my son for a ride there and give him some in return. Just a couple of people, but even one is too many. It certainly doesn't help. It's too bad you aren't able to tell. That would drive me crazy always wondering. I'd rather be sure because I wouldn't want to accuse if he wasn't doing anything wrong. Hope you and your son have a good day tomorrow.
  • @mammakim I forgot to mention, at one time my son was going to meetings. I went with him and he didn't mind. The others in the meetings were very nice to me and it seemed like all the young men gravitated towards me like they wanted me to be their mom too. It was a little strange but they would all come up to me and say hi mom and hug me. Lol Some would tell my son how lucky he was that I was there.
  • @mammakim... I'm sorry you had a rough day yesterday. As far as loaning your son the money for the drug test goes... Did he show you any paperwork after he had the test? My experience with pre-employment drug tests is that the testing place always gives you some kind of receipt or paperwork. Also, all the times I've taken a pre-employment drug test, I didn't have to pay for it; the employer did. I don't mean to raise red flags. I just wanted to share my experience.

    It's good that your son asked you to go to a meeting with him. I hope he follows through, too. And it's nice that he spent some time with his son doing Halloween stuff. I'm glad you gave him positive reinforcement for that.

    None of this is easy. Just know that you're not alone. We are always here for you.

    Try to jump into reading Beyond Addiction as soon as you can. And let us know what you think.

    Sending you love, light, and hugs full of hope today.
  • @tiredmom UGH I wish I could lock him somewhere. He mentioned the meeting again today so I think we may be going tomorrow. I only went to one through adcare for the family. This one is an AA meeting (he is not crazy about the NA meetings, he says talking about the drugs makes him crave them). We shall see how it goes.
    @DeanD I said the same thing, I have never had to pay for a drug test, I have only had three main jobs. The first I had to take one, then I worked at Staples corporate for ten years an did not have to take one. I started my present job about three years ago and had to take one as well. Don't worry about raising red flags, I am clueless on some of these issues. My older two children were not into the same stuff as my youngest, I am going to start Beyond Addiction tonight after I work for a few hours.

    Today my son was pretty good, he left with a friend but came back and seemed OK. My older son came back from Notre Dame, not sure where he is off to next but it's good to see him. My mom's results did not come back good though, the chemo isn't working and the cancer has moved into her bones. I think the next move is to go to another Dr in Boston. I haven't said anything to the kids yet, so now we wait and see if there is anything else they can do.
  • @mammakim Being that I rarely believe anything anymore, which is probably a good thing, since in the past I basically fell for everything my son told me, I couldn't help thinking perhaps, just perhaps, your son wanted to get a drug test to see if there was anything left in his system before whichever company tested him prior to potential employment? Just a thought. I think it is a little strange he would have to buy/supply the test. It's great that your son wants to go to a meeting. Some addicts do actually prefer the aa meetings. At one time, believe it or not, alcoholics kind of looked down on drug abusers, but I think that is not so much the case anymore. One thing I was concerned about when my son was going to na meetings a while back, was the fact so many have so little clean time and relapse often. I was afraid he would meet more addicts and have an even bigger network of people to use with. My only advice is maybe you talking with him and telling him to be careful not to give out his number to anyone who has just recently got clean. He needs support from people who have some real clean time. I wonder if that was me trying to control a situation? I don't know but it was a big concern. I'm sorry to hear about your mother. That must be pretty scary for the both of you. Hopefully she can get more help somewhere else. Hoping you have a good rest of the day and glad to hear your son is o.k. today.
  • @tiredmom ah maybe that is what he is doing. that would make sense. Right now he's mad at me because he wants him and his girlfriend to both work 3rd shift. I think mornings will be a nightmare getting the kids off to daycare/preschool so he thinks I am being too negative.
    I agree that he should not take phone numbers, He already went that route when he went to meetings for NA. Maybe that's why he doesn't want to go there.
    I hope the rest of your day goes well too
  • @mammakim and @tiredmom... Isn't it crazy they way us parents of addicts think? Whenever we're faced with something unusual, we start thinking, "Well, maybe he's doing it because..." Or "Maybe this is the explanation for that." It's just another reason why being in our "club" can be so damn exhausting.

    Also, for what it's worth, my son HATED going to NA meetings. He said they were too dark and depressing, and all the talk about drug use was a trigger for him. He much prefers AA meetings.

    @mammakim... I'm so sorry about your mom. You have so much going on in your world and it doesn't seem fair that you have to deal with your mom's illness, too. I am sending lots of love and prayers your way, and tons of healing energy in your mom's direction, too. Praying hard for you and her. Cancer sucks. <3
  • @DeanD Yes, it is crazy how we parents of addicts think. Being someone who is curious by nature, doesn't help either, and I am always looking to figure out what is going on! It does get exhausting. I think I'm getting a little bit better though and I think my son is noticing. He didn't go anywhere last night because I didn't give him any gas money. I was surprised he just took no for an answer and didn't hound me all night. So it was a quiet evening and he spent most of it eating and watching tv. Hope you are having a great day!
  • @mammakim First of all, i'm sorry to hear about your mother. I'm sure that is disheartening for all of you. I'm sending some healing prayers and peace for y'all. I'm also sorry you've had a rough time with your son. I hope he was telling you the truth about the drug test, but as Dean mentioned, usually employers pay for that. Perhaps going to the meeting with him will be a good experience for the both of you. I hope so! Sending a big hug your way!
  • @DeanD Oh I agree, I am always looking at the why is he doing it? I tend to over-analyze everything. Not sure if that comes from my accounting background. it is definitely exhausting, my mind never stops.
    Yes, my son said the same about NA. We did not end up going to AA today because early intervention came for the twins and we also have my grandson so we have to pick another day. I think he's also nervous about going in town but I told him we can look at the list and go to one a town over.
    I'm hoping that the Dr will find something that helps my mom. Cancer does suck. Both my grandmothers died of breast cancer.
    I hope your day is going well :smile:
  • @dominica Thank you for your thoughts :smile: I said that to him about the drug test.
  • @mammakim perhaps ya'll can get to another meeting soon..... and yes, we'll believe with you for the doctor to find something that works for your mother!
  • @mammakim... I tend to over-analyze everything, too. I'm a lot better than I used to be, but I'm a Type A and I don't think I'll ever be 100% "cured." At least I know I'm not alone!

    I will continue to pray for your mother. And your son. And you. Happy Little Friday!
  • Today was a cranky day, I think we are all tired. My youngest son and I snapped at each other all afternoon. Not even over anything important. I just want to go to sleep but I have to work a couple hours first. I'm glad tomorrow is Friday.

    @DeanD I'm not even sure what type I am LOL . I just know I tend to look at both sides of the story, research everything and twist my thoughts around in my head until I am half crazy
  • @dominica thank you :smile: we are looking at the list of ones around us this weekend for a meeting.
  • "I just know I tend to look at both sides of the story, research everything and twist my thoughts around in my head until I am half crazy"

    @mammakim... Thanks for the chuckle. Maybe you're Type P. For pretzel! ;)
  • @mammakim great! i do hope you have a great weekend too!
  • @DeanD Ha I probably am a type p LOL
  • @DeanD My weekend was OK. I worked most of it and then cleaned my kitchen. Watched the Red Sox play, played with the girls and went to BJ's to get some groceries. Nothing spectacular but my weekend was pretty good. Now I'm waiting for my older son to come back from NY. I'm not sure what he set up for this time. Last week It was Garth Brooks . He didn't stay for the concert though. My youngest son seems to be doing ok. We have all three kids for Halloween so tomorrow I will be the chauffeur for trick or treating :smile: How was your weekend?
  • @DeanD I forgot to mention that I started reading Beyond Addiction and Beautiful Boy.
  • @mammakim Sounds like you had a pretty busy weekend filled with some good things! I bet the kids are excited about Halloween tonight! Also great that you're starting reading those two books. I've yet to read beautiful boy but it is definitely on my to do list!

    I hope you have perfect weather for trick or treating tonight!
  • @mammakim... I love the Red Sox! So glad they won the World Series again. I have a trip to Fenway Park on my bucket list. Hope I get to check that off at some point in the not-too-distant future.

    I'm happy your weekend was okay. And that you're reading Beyond Addiction and Beautiful Boy. Definitely let us know what you think of those books as you get a bit further into them.

    Happy Halloween! I hope you have fun with the kids tonight!!!
  • @DeanD @Deeann @tiredmom We went Trick or Treating and had fun but then I found out my son was using my older son card to walmart to walmart himself cash. So he was using again. I'm super pissed, now he is back to supervised visits with his son.
    He has talked to me about his use of drugs, I wish he could get knocked in the noggin and forget that he ever used. Needless to say, it's been a rough week
  • I’m sorry, @mammakim. I hope your week gets better. I know it’s not easy. Go forward, be brave, and keep the faith. We love and care about you. Always remember that. <3
  • @mammakim So sorry to hear that about your son. Addiction is so crazy and who knows how many reasons there really are for their using. Is your son still going to the counselor? Have you thought of finding an addiction expert /doctor? I know it is so hard. Does he want to stay clean or is he doing what everyone else wants him to do? My son has been skipping up also, but I am glad that he at least seems to be trying and is having more good days. I have smacked my son upside the noggin, but it didn't change anything. Ugh. Hope your son will get back on track.
  • @mammakim Hey there. I'm sorry to hear about your son. I know this is challenging for sure. I'm glad y'all had fun trick or treating. And I do hope that your week gets better as well. I'm holding positive thoughts for big changes for you and your son. Good changes!!
  • Hi @mammakim , I'm sorry to hear you are having a rough week and I hope it gets better for you. I'm with @dominica holding positive thoughts for big changes for you and your son. There's always hope.
  • How are you doing today, @mammakim?
  • eh, not so good today and yesterday. I'm not really talking to my son right now which pains me because I don't think it helps his situation and it just makes me sad. I'm just so mad that if I do talk to him I will say things I can't take back. So tomorrow I'm working and then going to see beautiful Boy with my hubby.
  • @tiredmom he is going to therapy, which is good. I should be happy for the positives I guess. We did look at an addiction dr but he doesn't want to do suboxone. He says he doesn't want to get hooked on that. I haven't pushed it
    @Deeann @dominica @DeanD I hope next week is better. I think I am just tired of everything this week. I need a vacation from my brain
  • @mammakim I'll post tomorrow about the suboxine. . Good idea not to start that.
  • @mammakim... Try to let go a bit this weekend. Try to immerse yourself in radical self-care. Try to focus on YOU for a change. You deserve that, my dear.

    It's great that your son is going to therapy. Yes, be grateful for the positives. If he doesn't want to do Suboxone, that's his choice. There are definitely good and bad aspects of Suboxone, so I totally get why people do or don't want to use it. Speaking from experience, my son was on Suboxone for a few years. And while I believe it probably helped save his life by keeping him off of heroin, he did have a tough time coming off of the Suboxone, too. And he wasn't thrilled with how it made him feel (lethargic) or a lot of the side effects (like constipation).

    Sending you love and good vibes this weekend.
  • @mammakim sorry to hear things haven't been so good the last couple of days. If you're anything like me you are probably disappointed and a bit angry. It's hard to know what goes through their heads when they seem to be "getting it" and then slip up again. I was referring more on the lines of a psychiatrist that specializes in addiction. I'm not a big fan of some of these doctors who are now prescribing suboxine. I did my homework and found out they take a class to get the license to prescribe it. It's something like 3-4 weeks and BAM , they are prescribing it. Personally, I feel alot of these doctors are doing this now because of the money involved. I took my son to a clinic about 3 years ago and when he went in to see the doctor, there sat my gynecologist!! I thought are you kidding me! She didn't know shit about addiction other than what dosages to start on, etc. Actually, I was a bit disgusted by it. Many general MD's are jumping on the bandwagon for the money and don't really understand addiction. On another note, when he was on the suboxine it was a nightmare really. Sometimes my son would take it and others he still used heroin. Plus friends started calling and begging for one . He even tried shooting it up. Guess he wasn't serious. He didn't like how it made him feel. And I know he was also selling it at times and then had money for heroin. Then I had to hold it and keep track of it and it was a pain in the ass. He had many friends on it and they did the same thing. Not taking it as prescribed. Passing it around, etc. I know one boy who basically sold most of his and used the money for other drugs. These guys were selling it for $20 a strip. And it is very difficult to come off of. I don't know anyone who was able to get off of it fairly easily. Finally after all the ridiculousness with it I told my son since he was abusing it also, we're done with this and refused to take him to any more doctors for it. I'm a little bit confused a doctor would suggest suboxine for your son, since you said your son takes Molly. Suboxine is for addiction to opiates or heroin. Unless there is something I don't know, I never heard of it being prescribed for other drugs?? Well I hope your weekend goes well and things improve for your son. Have a good weekend!
  • @mammakim , I hope your weekend has been okay, and you have a better week this week. I know exactly what you mean when you say you need a vacation from your brain! I hope you were able to do something to at least clear your head a little bit.
  • @mammakim... How are you doing? Please check in with us when you get a chance. We're here. And we care.
  • @Deeann My week seems to be better so far. My dad wanted to go to Olive Garden yesterday for Veterans Day but my mom can't really go out to eat anymore so I went with him. It was a nice dinner :smile: I had some good conversation with him and we brought my mom home chicken parm.
    Hubby came home sick yesterday and stayed home today. I think he slept all day, at least he's not stealing my TV time. I'm obsessed with Criminal Minds and now he likes it too.
  • @tiredmom My son's DOC is percs/oxy. He doesn't do Molly (that I know of). He did try it years ago and ended up in the hospital.
    He is going to his counselor once a week so that is good. Tomorrow we have early intervention coming for the girls and I am picking up Devin. It will be a busy day. Then Thursday we pick him up from school and my son has parent teacher conferences.
    @DeanD Thanks for checking in ! My week is good.
    I hope you are all having a good week ♥
  • @mammakim I don't know where I got Molly from. I thought you said that he used Molly. Some of us had an entire conversation on here about Molly. Oh geez. Sorry. Well the suboxine makes more sense now. I hated it when my son got suboxine, but each person is different. Sounds like you have a busy week again. But glad it's going good. I had some time with my granddaughter this past weekend. She is so cute and full of energy!!!
  • @tiredmom He doesn't want to use Suboxine . He said that it is easy to abuse and he doesn't want to trade one addiction for another. My friend's son used it with success but you are right each person is different.
    This weekend we have my grandson. We have to think of a few things to do with him that are fun.
  • @tiredmom I am glad you had a good time with your granddaughter . How old is she?
  • She is 5. Smart as can be. She is so cute with some of the things she says. I doubt if I will ever get more grandchildren. My daughter works full-time and is still studying and about to get her doctorate real soon. She is too busy for more kids, but she is the most fantastic mother. I actually hope my son never has children unless by some chance he meets someone good and stable who will take good care of the child. I know I don't have it in me to raise any more children. I couldn't do it.
  • I am so sorry about the cancer and your mom! Big hugs to you!! I won’t repeat all the great info that’s been laid out here, just wanted to send love and prayers. My older brother has struggled with cocain for years upon years. It’s so hard for them to break away from addiction. My brother is one of the smartest men you’ll ever meet and he still struggles. He had to work extremely hard to overcome his addiction and the deciding wake up call was the ability to be in his daughters life. He was older and probably a bit more mature then your son though. Addicts need to decide to be healthy, they need to steer the ship themselves and be responsible for their way out. It’s probably extremely hard to sit back and provide support because as moms, we want to help and make everything better. Promoting positive qualities, providing a non-judgemental ear for listening and support when asked to go to meetings are great ways of supporting him.

    And this community is great for talking to others!!!
  • Glad you're having a good week, @mammakim. I hope it continues. :)
  • @mammakim I'm glad you're having a better week this week. I hope it continues too :)
  • @tiredmom Grandchildren are fun :smile: My daughter got married in April and wants to start a family soon. We have my grandson this weekend so my son, his girlfriend and I are taking the kids to the library so Devin can pick a book and maybe a movie.
  • That sounds wonderful @mammakim . I just love the library. I don't go often enough. I'm trying to get my granddaughter into loving to read, once she learns how. Lol. She is in kindergarten. I did tell her last week I want to take her to the library and read to her. Reading has helped me maintain what sanity I have left.
  • @Vicbrenan Yes, it is hard to sit back and let him make his own decisions but you are right. He has to do it on his own. I listen to parents now complaining about chasing toddlers around or changing too many diapers. Honestly I would rather be waking up with a teething baby than worry about what he is doing to himself now.
    The hard part is that he is a great father, It drives me crazy that he relapsed again.
  • @DeanD @Deeann I hope it continues to be a better week as well. My son is a bit moody, he says he doesn't think it is craving but when I said maybe it is subconscious he said maybe. At least he is vocalizing his thoughts
  • @tiredmom I love to read. I read at lunchtime at work and before bed. I also listen to audiobooks at work to keep me sane. My grandson is 4 and the twins are 16 months. The children's section in my town is good, they have toys and a sensory table for the kids. I took my kids twice a week to pick out books to read at night. My daughter is a big reader, My oldest son reads conspiracy theory, sports and right now how to invest in stocks. My youngest son started reading James Patterson when he went to Detox. Hopefully they will keep it up. Hubby is not a reader at all.
  • @mammakim oooohh! I have read some James Patterson books. Freaky stuff. Some scary. I worked in the stock market for 16 years. That was my career prior to an early retirement 7 years ago. Fast paced business but I loved it! And as far as reading, I would read about cattle breeding if that was what was in front of me. LOL I have to read everything I see. I'm no genius but I learned to read very young. I could read the newspaper when I was a little over 3 years old.
  • @ahmedtonsy hello there! thanks for posting. would love to know more about you!
  • @DeanD @tiredmom @Deeann , It has been a crazy few weeks. My son had a slip/relapse (whatever you want to call it). after Halloween. Apparently he was filtering the money from my older son's debit card. UGH, so they were fighting. Well not really fighting, the younger one was hiding from the older one.
    My mom may be trying a new medication but they have not got back to her with approvals to get it yet. It's a waiting game for now, so frustrating. With all the stress I locked my jaw and cracked a back tooth from clenching my teeth. I'm more of an internal stress person. The left side of my face swelled from an infection and a blocked saliva duct. When my jaw unlocks I have to have the tooth pulled. The fun never ends LOL
    On a good note my younger son started working just before Thanksgiving. He goes in at 8PM until 4:30AM so I go to work after I pick him up
  • Oh @mammakim ! Sorry to hear that about your son. It never ceases to amaze me at how sly and sneaky they can be. It's a full time job just trying to stay one step ahead of their shady crap! I know. And how awful about your jaw. It also never ceases to amaze me how many ways we can be effected by the stress they bring. A locked jaw and cracked tooth is a new one. My son used and wrecked his car he only had a couple of months. It's totaled. Then the police took him to the hospital for a blood screening. Fifteen minutes after they dropped him off at home, he used and came downstairs and overdosed right in front of my face. I had to do CPR until the medics arrived. He almost didn't make it. And all this happened 5 hours before he was to leave for rehab. Now because of the stress I have a big cold sore on my lip! So if you and I were to go out together we would look like quite the pair of mothers I am sure! Lol. Something about this nightmare has to be funny.
  • @mammakim I must be losing my mind, because after I typed that, I imagined us out and someone coming up to us and asking what is wrong with your faces? And we would say this is what happens when your son is an addict and you have to live with them!! LMAO. Yes I am cracking up, because I am sitting here laughing out loud to myself and have tears running down my face. Not sad tears . Funny ones. I hope you don't mind my strange sense of humor. I just see two women with funny looking faces. My cold sore is hideous!
  • @mammakim i'm sorry that you're having to go through all this.... i imagine it is disheartening... i hope you are feeling better soon and that the drs. can find a good medication for your mom... bless it.

    that's great your son got a job!! i hope he likes it and can stick with it.

    sending you some positivity and healing vibes right now!
  • @mammakim... I, too, am sorry to hear about all you're going through. So often, life throws us all kinds of stuff at once. "When it rains, it pours," right? All we can do is do our best to juggle the chainsaws. It does seem that parents of addicts end up having more stuff thrown at them than others do. I might be wrong about that, but as a fellow parent of an addict, I feel so overwhelmed much of the time. It's like I want to say to God (or whoever is in charge up there), "Look. My child's addiction is really all I can handle right now, so please stop with everything else." But, no. Parents and in-laws still get sick, we have health issues ourselves, cars break, money is tight, etc., etc., etc. I guess that's just life.

    I'm praying for you, your son, your mom, and everyone else in your world who may need a little prayer to help them out. And I'm sending you tons of love, light, and hope today. One day at a time, my dear. For everyone. <3
  • @mammakim I'm sorry to hear you are going through so much, right now. I hope that things get better for your son, and your mum doesn't have to wait too much longer for the approval to try the new medication. My dad started his treatment for cancer about a week or so ago. Hopefully the treatment will keep it under control, but it's still a huge worry. The locked jaw sounds so painful! I hope it gets sorted soon. Well done to your son for getting a job! I hope it works out for him.

    Hoping and praying for better times for you and your family.

    @tiredmom "We would look quite the pair of mothers" LOL
  • @Deeann good to see you here! how are things going with you? i hope better...
  • Nice to see your name here again, @Deeann. I hope things are going alright in your world. I will say a prayer for your father. And for you and your son, too.
  • @dominica He seems to like the job so far. He has been putting in a good amount of overtime. He did say he was worried about having money and using so we talked about having it deposited into my savings account until he feels strong enough to handle having the money and not getting drugs with it. His thoughts are in the right place, he just needs to apply what he thinks to reality.
  • @tiredmom OMG I can't imagine seeing your son overdose. I'm so sorry! How is he doing now? It's awful what the drugs make these kids go through and how it takes hold of them. It makes me sad. Hopefully they can overcome this.
    I read IF YOU LOVED ME, A MOTHER'S JOURNEY THROUGH HER DAUGHTER'S ADDICTION. by Maureen Cavennaugh, The mom is pretty amazing, she now runs a site for parents Magnolia addiction support. I think there are different chapters but it originated in my state. If an addict asks her for help, she will drop everything, find a bed and actually drive the person to the place. She gives me hope that people actually care and want to help vs just giving up on them.
  • @DeanD Thank you :smile: Today is not a good day for my mom. She is in a lot of pain. She still hasn't gotten approval for the medication. Insurance companies suck. Some days are just so exhausting
  • Thanks for asking about my son @mammakim . He is o.k. and at a rehab right now. This is the 4th time I have done CPR until the medics arrived in the last couple of years. It is pretty darn frightening and I can't even begin to describe the panic I felt. I'm definitely traumatized by it, but I will be o.k. He is in a rehab right now, but is calling me saying he doesn't want to be in that particular place because one of the people he was getting drugs from in the past couple of months is there and it's making him uncomfortable. So they are seeing about transferring him to a different one. I don't know what will happen, but he is getting on my nerves. That's great your son got a job and he is thinking clearly and smart about the money. Good for him! It sure is tough when you have a parent with health issues. My mother seems to need me for just about anything anymore. So I am there with you.
  • @mammakim... I'm sorry to hear your mom wasn't doing well yesterday. And yes, insurance companies DO suck. It's so incredibly sad that we live in (supposedly) the greatest country in the world and our health care/health insurance system is pretty much crap. Getting health care shouldn't be as difficult and expensive as it is.

    Praying that today is a better day for your mom. And sending you love and light as well.
  • Sending you and your son love and light as well, @tiredmom.
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