Sex trauma

This is kind of a branch off my other post about the individual I’ve been seeing for the past few months, I wasn’t sure if there may be people who post only in this section who might have good advice. . Its kind of like a puzzle with pieces scattered all around in the darkest depths of life. On top of the admitted depression he has, he’s also told me that he has some sexual trauma issues. We haven’t gone into detail about it together but he has some unfortunate issues around intimacy. Trust is a big one for him. He has some really specific requests with sex and positions. Recently he specifically wanted to overcome one of those issues because he said he felt like being able to complete that particular desire made him feel more connected to the person. And it was something that genuinely bothered him a lot, wasn’t a big deal to me, but he said he felt like it was a monkey on his back.

What is considered therapeutic and what should be steered away from? I usually try and respect his requests as long as I don’t feel the infringe on my beliefs.

He told me he has a hard time being in a relationship until there is a very solid foundation of stability laid and he trusts the person and trusts himself. I’m still trying to figure out what that means for a person with trauma and issues. He’s started initiating PDA’s too which he completely avoided in the past.
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  • @Vicbrenan Hey there. I think it's great that he's being so open with you. Good communication is super important in a relationship and that goes for intimacy as well. I can't remember if you said he is seeing a therapist for his emotional issues or trauma. Wouldn't hurt!

    I'm glad to hear that you are checking in with yourself regarding his desires. I'm not sure what the answer would be to your question about what is considered therapeutic. If things are not infringing on your beliefs, then I wouldn't see a problem with it. And I do think trust is a great thing in a relationship. I think it's great that you are so open to listening to him and giving him a safe space to share.
  • @Vicbrenan I sat through a lot of groups about this behavior when I was in rehab for sex/porn addiction a few years back. My takeaways would be that first, you should not do anything you are not comfortable with, even if it comes with a dose of gaslighting manipulation. Nobody's "intimacy demons" trump what you're comfortable and OK with. Second, he needs to get help with a specialist to talk about these things that go beyond just an addictions expert. Trauma comes from something and that something is worth discussing with a professional. Finally, continue to create a safe, judgment-free space for him. Even if his requests step over a line you're comfortable with, he should feel free to make them and not be judged for his desires.
  • Thank you @JoshuaShea I really value your input. I should add his desires aren't really all that weird or anything. They're actually really minute and personal to him, like he has a difficult time finishing if he is on top for whatever reason, and I've heard about how certain positions can be difficult for people who have had trauma. Its bothered him the entire time we've been seeing each other so he kind of fixed it himself this week. Or maybe he just is feeling the right connection to do it. I don't know because I don't really understand the why's and hows of what goes on with people who have had trauma lol

    He has done therapy and was still going up until things got really busy with his foster kids and then that kind of took over. But he ended up having to request the kid that was causing the most issues be taken and placed in another home. Which I am happy he did because hopefully he will be able to go back once everything settles again.

    And thank you @dominica I always love your replies too!!!
  • Thanks for being here for folks, @JoshuaShea. :)
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