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My Faith
Good evening, I am clean and sober. It's a long story, but I came to the decision that my prayer life is more important to me than being in a recovery program, like twelve-step meetings. I had an experience a few years ago, which was to stay overnight at a convent for religious discernment. I was not using drugs or drinking, at the time. Smoking was not allowed in or around the convent, and so even though it was difficult, I did not smoke while I was there. I prayed the rosary in the prayer room, instead. It was the most freeing and fulfilling experience in my life. It is full of joy to be there, because one feels so free of sin, so innocent, so blameless, and that sets us free. But my past was full of mental hospitals. Sometimes I would wake up from a psychotic break or suicide attempt and find myself committed in a mental hospital. It began decades ago. But this time, I woke up and I was in a Benedictine priory. Like the mental hospitals, we slept in twin beds, and it was very strict. But I was so happy that I wanted to stay there, but they said I could not become a nun because of my mental illness. Besides, I could not seem to shake the addictions in me, but later I left the drugs and drinking behind, but I still cannot get myself to quit smoking nicotine cigarettes and drinking caffeinated beverages. And so, I live in an adult family home, again on a twin bed, but smoking and junk food are allowed here. I have a painting of the Savior on my wall and I pray the rosary regularly. Again, I am in a mental health program, but my psychiatrist says I do not need to be in a drug and alcohol recovery program. However, sometimes I feel like I need to talk about sobriety, and I have chosen to haunt this website a little bit to talk about it. The last bottle of alcohol I touched to my lips was a bottle of tequila, which I hid in my closet from my caregivers, but then I had my father come and help me take away the bottles without telling my caregivers or my mother, and he brought the box to the Goodwill, where they recycled the bottles for him, dutifully. I suppose it was codependent-like of him to do that, enabling my secret keeping. But the problem of the bottles is over now, and I made a painting of the Serenity Prayer and now have it on my wall, and I look at it often and think to myself, "More often than not we should not go out and change something. More often than not we should pray for and have serenity to accept what has happened to us and do God's will." I am no longer addicted to any substance, other than nicotine and caffeine, and I feel so good. I feel healthy. But I still have an emptiness to pray more.-
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