Support Fiancé in Addiction

I am new here and searching for help on how to help my fiancé with her addiction. I as the man, have never had an addiction. She has been abused from the time she was a little girl, and all the way into adulthood.

She battles a lust and sexual addiction everyday. When we met, she was very close to God and active in church. Overtime, this faded away, and as it did, the addiction grew. I noticed she was talking to other guys. She turned location services off on her phone. She changed her passcode, so forth. Very secretive, very private. She began lying about places she was going, and still is.

We eventually hit a rough spot where she got way too rough during sex one night, and sent her into a spiral. I won’t go into more detail on that subject, but that’s what broke the straw.

Since then, she hasn’t considered us “together”. She said she didn’t want to be in a relationship. We continue to live together and share our children and finances together. We decided that we would give ourselves 30 days as friends, and see what happens after that. Today is 1/28/19. 30 days will be over on 02/05/19. So we’re almost there. However, I got a little sneaky. I overheard her passcode one day, and have found text messages in her phone where she has been talking to another guy, and even went to see him one night for sure that I k ow of after she left the gym. I am noting this due to the fact that before we began the 30 day trial, she promised me that she would not be entertaining a relationship with anyone, or let anything sexual interfere. So finding this hurt really bad. There are so many secrets and lies. I’ve been sleeping on the couch every day also, and we have not slept in the bed together, even though I want to. We tried one night and even though I was resistant, we ended up having sex.

The secrets and lies keep progressing. Today, I found out she downloaded a dating app on her phone. It’s upsetting because I’ve been trying to give her these 30 days, and be her friends, and not tell her what to do, and have been scared to talk to her and tell her everything I know. However, I feel like if I’m really her friend, I HAVE to tell her, I have to help her. She says she wants help. She says she wants to be closer to God again, but instead she is digging her hole even deeper. The cell phones just get us in trouble don’t they?

I wanted to wait until the end of the 30 days to confront her, but I don’t know if I can. I fee I have to do something. After all, if an addict is happy with you, you probably aren’t helping them, right?

I’ve been staying at home after work with the kids every night. Almost as soon a so get home, she leaves, or she leaves right after I cook dinner, and I’m the one that makes sure the kids have baths, eat, do homework, get in bed, and I do laundry, dishes, clean, etc, and all she has to do is go to college, come home, and relax, and go do her shenanigans at night. And doesn’t come home until 11-12 at night. Or later.

What do I do. How do I help her. How do I confront her?
  • 10 Commentsby Likes|Date
  • @silas7110 I'm sorry to hear about your situation. You didn't describe a lot about her addiction, so it's hard to give you specific advice from that point of view. Assuming she is an addict, she is displaying pretty classic behavior with you by keeping secrets, lying and thinking only of herself. Of course, people who cheat do those exact same things and not all of them have addiction issues.
    You have to take care of the kids, and take care of yourself so you're in the right frame of mind for those kids. If she's shirking her responsibility as a mother, that's on her.
    It's hard to say exactly what she needs for help, but starting with a therapist that has experience with addiction and trauma is a good place. This could just be a matter of not ready to settle down. The idea of marriage is very final in some people's eyes and if she's not ready for it, this kind of attacking out you describing isn't completely uncommon, addict or not.
    Along with her seeing an individual therapist, it might do you some good if you can both see a family or marriage therapist.
    If she's not up for seeing either therapist, you may need to take a break from her and either let her come to the right conclusion, or go down the wrong road, on her own. Remember, we can only ultimately control our own actions. Don't go off the deep end with this. Those kids need you far more than she does.
  • Your right I apologize I will try to provide details.

    For starters, she has had a lot of partners, since before we got together. We had sex since we have been together, and at the beginning, it would make her feel very guilty and ashamed, for one, because she was trying to get right with God, and also to fight her addiction.

    Progressively, it started making her want it more. Eventually it got to the point where she didn’t care anymore, and her behavior became worse and worse. She became more rough and more dominant, and dark afterwards.

    Then the rest of the behavior I mentioned earlier sparked up. We both used to be completely open about everything, could use each other’s phones at anytime, and never looked through anything we weren’t supposed to, because we knew we didn’t have a reason to.

    I have tried a few things but they all get shunned away.
  • @silas7110 hello and welcome. i'm sorry to hear you are going through this. i'm sure it has been rough for you...and the family in general. joshua has given some good insight and advice... and the truth is she may not be ready to reach out for help. you won't be able to "help" her in the way that you may think... sounds like she would need professional help and/or a support group... and her pathway to real change will take time....and a good bit of effort. as someone else has said here, think marathon...not a sprint.

    it's a lot for you to process too. are you willing or able to see a therapist? there's a lot involved in this...

    we are definitely here to help how we can...offer support and encouragement.
    i do hope she can get back to her faith...and find out what is fueling this behavior. what does she say when you ask her if she's willing to see a pastor or counselor?
  • @silas7110 She probably needs care/advice/treatment far beyond what you can give her. The most important thing for you to understand, which I think you do, is that she's sick. She's been sick for a very long time and while she seems to understand it, the bigger question is if she'll do anything serious about it. Just trying to "get right with God" rarely is an effective treatment technique. Much like any other illness, you can't pray it away. I think belief in a higher power can help, but I think there are certain religions -- most, if not all, actually -- that would profess her behavior is that of a sinner, not an ill person.
    You need to be there and let her know that you're not judging her. Her illness may be the reason she does certain things, but you want to help her anyway you can. That may mean stepping back. That may mean letting her find her rock bottom. You can't force an addict to get better, but you sure can push them toward the addiction.
    I don't know if you all have the time or the means, but she may greatly benefit from some inpatient treatment.
    In one of the rehabs I went to there was a woman who had sex addiction issues. After about 8 weeks at the facility, she went home to her husband and they've been happily together ever since. Not saying it would be your happy ending, but it is proof they can happen.
    @dominica is correct is that you should seek counseling for yourself in this situation, too. You need to be healthy for those kids.
  • @dominica thank you so much. Absolutely I am willing to see a therapist. Honestly, the conversation came out tonight. Some was good, some was rough. We shared some tears. Some good thoughts, and some bad. We were honest. She was always resistant to counseling before, stating “how am I supposed to open up to someone I don’t know about my issues”. Which I pointed out was really funny, because she is going to college to be a LPC. I guess it’s lile the mechanic that doesn’t want to fix his own car.

    But she did agree to it. So that’s a start.
  • @JoshuaShea she has researched a little bit here and there, but never made a serious move towards it. Religion is huge, and I believe does powerful things that are beyond our understanding, but I do agree that the help she needs is beyond religion alone. Funny you say that, I have mentioned inpatient treatment to her. She wasn’t totally against that either. It would be hard, but I would be willing to make it work for her. The good part in here comes out and she’s amazing. When the evil sickness takes over, nothing else matters but her addiction, and herself.

    Anyway, yes I have actually been looking and trying to find the right inpatient rehab center that might be able to help best. Thanks so much for all the feedback and being welcomed here.
  • Just as an update, things have been much better since we had the conversation. We have had several open talks and even talked about how we can be better for each other as friends, she was open about triggers for her whether they come from me, or from somewhere else.
  • @silas7110... I'm glad to hear things have been better. I also think @JoshuaShea and @dominica have given you some great advice and insight. I hope things continue to improve, and that you both have the opportunity to get the help necessary to get through this tough time. I will keep you both in my prayers.
  • @silas7110 i'm glad to hear your update!
  • How are you doing today, @silas7110? Happy Friday!
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