Waiting for him to hit rock bottom....

I knew of my husbands enjoyment of porn. I was led to believe it was just an occasional thing until our sex life was non existent. We have been seeing a therapist as often as we can initially to work through raising our children and navigating the crazy world we were in. The therapist and I brought forth my suspicious of the porn being out of control and he agreed to sign up for an app to monitor his activity and the therapist being his accountability partner. Though at this point he didn't admit to the pornography addiction.
Well he found a way to work around that and I found two days ago he is in full blown addiction and had been the recipient of a happy ending from another man.
Our therapist states he needs to rip the band aid off and come clean of everything to me before we can start to heal. However, I think he is still hiding stuff. He has admitted to what he has been caught doing, but nothing else.
For the first time in our 18 year marriage I have asked him to stay somewhere else. I am struggling with the fact that the love of my life isn't coming home tonight and I am the one that did this. Though these are his choices, his addiction I am the one who asked him to leave. I feel as though I have sent him to a porn addicts promise land.
I just want to have him come home, hold him and let him tell me how he is going to do better an whatever it take to fix it......but I have been told all of this before, multiple times. He does ok for a little while......and then we circle back around. This is the first time I have caught him doing anything with another person. Our therapist says it is up to me how long he needs to be gone but he encourages me to follow through so that he sees what he can lose.
I am in Iowa, I haven't been able to find a support group, so any guidance you might have would be appreciated.
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  • @Violet1978... Welcome to the community and thank you for sharing. I'm sorry you're going through what you are with your husband, but I'm glad you found us and reached out.

    I replied to a comment you left in another thread. Have you searched for Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings in your area at this link?


    If there are no meetings that turn up in that search engine, perhaps your therapist can help you find one? Just a thought. There are also online support groups.

    Unfortunately, porn addiction is something that's getting more and more common, and it's so difficult for the spouse of the addict. You are definitely not alone.

    We are here to help, support, and listen. Anytime you need to, please feel free to lean on us. I'm also hoping that @JoshuaShea will weigh in and share his insight and experience. He's our "resident expert" on this subject, for sure.

    Keeping you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers. And sending you lots of love, light, and hope.
  • @Violet1978 hey there. thanks for reaching out. i'm sorry to hear you are going through this. i know it must be challenging.... it is good news that your husband is willing to work on this... it is true that he will need to pull of band aids and really do some hard work on healing and learning to cope with issues without leaning on addiction....

    it's alright for you to have your boundaries.... you can navigate this as you go along...if having him stay elsewhere isn't something you want to continue, then you can change your mind. discuss it with your therapist... you want to support and encourage your husband, but you can't fix this... only he can and honestly it will take a while... and lots of inner work.

    i hope that you can practice self-care during this time. try not to take on his stuff... this is his to work on , and your task is to work on you (and not becoming addicted to his behavior or emotions)....

    hope this helps. please come here anytime.
  • @Violet1978 First off, I think your therapist is a fucking idiot and will be detrimental to any recovery your husband can hope to have. You don't rip addiction off like a band-aid. He's been likely living in a world of secrecy, shame, trauma and self-loathing. That doesn't come out in one session. He needs an addiction therapist and if you can find one with a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) certification, it's better, but not necessary. A marriage counselor can't handle someone with a long-standing addiction.
    What you next need to understand is that his addiction has very little to do with you. You just happen to be the person there baring the brunt of it. Over 90% of addicts and upwards of 94% of sex/porn addicts have some kind of trauma in their past. Most don't realize how deep it goes and it takes a while for therapy to really identify it and begin to tackle how to combat it into healthy behavior. He entered your marriage as a porn addict and it escalated. I was a "casual" porn addict for 10 years before I got married and then hid it for another 10 years until I reached a critical stage in that last year that ended up with me in a chat room with a teenage girl. It sounds like your husband may have entered a critical phase by crossing the line into actual acting out by meeting up with the other man.
    The lack of a sex life is an issue, but it probably has nothing to do with the porn. We confuse sex and porn a lot because the end result is an orgasm, but that's about all they have in common. Odds are whatever issues drove him to porn drove him away from sex. Those are both symptoms of a bigger problem that you did not create. You could have been bringing women or men home and catering to his every sexual whim and you probably would be exactly where you still are today.
    I think it's a great idea to have your own therapist, but if they're going to provide you with advice on how to handle an addict, make sure they have some training in that area. Your husband needs his own therapist that specializes in his issues. I don't know your circumstances, but if you can get him into a sex/porn inpatient rehab, it may work wonders. I wouldn't have had such a great jumpstart into recovery had I not been to a rehab.
    I would also urge your husband to check out Sex Addicts Anonymous. He can learn about meetings in Iowa here: http://iowasaaintergroup.org/
    It's OK to ask him to leave and it's OK to ask him to return. Until he begins seeking help, your life will probably not be all that different. He'll continue with the gaslighting because it's worked in the past. If I were in your position, I would want some kind of agreement that he would be seeking help through multiple modalities if he was looking to come home and if he faltered along the way, he would be removed from the home again. It's OK for you to create boundaries and to create non-negotiable, line-in-the-sand boundaries. Just make sure if you do this, that you stick to whatever the consequences are. If you don't, then everything out of your mouth will seem like a hollow threat.
    Finally, I'd urge you, and him, to check out my website. I've got a ton of essays on there, and a pretty good resources page. You can find it at http://www.RecoveringPornAddict.com
    Good luck. This is something that can be conquered, but you have to look at it as a marathon, not a sprint. I've been sober for five years and while it's nowhere near the battle it once was, I still have to be vigilant with my recovery every day. It took a long time for him to get this way and will take a long time for him to come out of the woods better for it.
  • Thanks for the knowledge, @JoshuaShea!
  • @Violet1978 I am slightly confused? Happy ending from another man? Do you mean he is having sex with a man? If so, I am going to guess his issues go far beyond porn addiction and he may be having an issue with coming out as a bi or homosexual. I feel for you, this is tough bananas to go through.

    I also think you did the right thing asking him to leave. It’s hard but until he’s willing to do the work to get to the bottom of his issues, you two will not heal and you will be mentally exhausted and not in a good place. You have kids and they are your number one priority. And supporting your husband is also a priority but sometimes it takes tough love to protect yourself.
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