Changing Seasons

DeanD

@Drained1... What a beautiful post, my friend. It brought tears to my eyes. I'm so glad that this forum has helped you so much. And I'm incredibly proud of you for how far you've come since 4/11/18. You were in a tough spot then, and little did we know things were going to get even tougher. But you got through it all. You went through darkness and found the light, all the while inspiring others and showing people that yes, there IS hope. And yes, you CAN do it. Yes, the seasons are changing, and that's a beautiful thing. But the way YOU'VE changed is even more beautiful.

Keep practicing self-care and know that amazing, wonderful things are coming your way. I'm so happy to have you here in this community.

Drained1

@DeanD thank you so much!!

tiredmom

@Drained1 I just read Deans post and I was thinking the same thing when I read your post. It truly is a beautiful post and very inspiring. I'm glad you are looking forward to a spring /summer of adventure. You deserve so much happiness and I know it will be yours for the taking. And you are such an inspiration to others as you are proof that no matter how much darkness you are in, there is light at the end of the tunnel for those who want it. I'm very glad for you as you have come so far.

Drained1

Thank you @tiredmom That means so much to me.

I just know where I was this time last year. When I came here I was so broken and lost and just trying to find/do anything differently this time around. All the other times he had relapsed had all lead right back to where I was and I was tired of the vicious circle. I came here trying to help or save him and ended up helping and saving myself.

dominica

@Drained1 hey there! thank you so much for posting this. it truly brings me joy to know that you are doing alright...that you have learned so much through this past year.... and yes, it is bitter sweet for sure.... you are a survivor, a thriver, a woman who inspires many!

addiction does steal so much from people...and that's awful. however, we can all grow and learn through it all.

thank you for sharing a big part of your life here with us. we are grateful for YOU!

keep your chin up... keep growing...keep smiling.

love you!

Drained1

@dominica Thank you! I am doing good and I've grown. I've become a better and stronger person. I have sincerely taken the time to heal, to feel and work through all of the emotions and all that comes along with this. All of the unanswered questions, lack of closure and knowing I'll never get "closure"..... I have worked a LOT on ME. I have dug deep and continue to do so. I want to be the best me possible. I want to live life to the fullest and never get back to the place where I was at. I never want to let someone else have that much control over me, my life and my emotions again.

I have not attempted to start any new relationships yet. Although there have been so many times where it would have been much easier to have the distraction of someone new in my life, I knew if I wasn't healed then it would just be pushed out of site and would always be there waiting. I feel I may be ready now, but I know that up until this point I have not been ready... I have to say that I don't normally brag on myself of give myself enough credit but I am very proud of where I am and what all I have done for myself to get here.

DeanD

You have every right to be proud of where you are and what you've accomplished over the last year, @Drained1. I love the confidence and strength you've developed!

dominica

@Drained1 you get some bragging rights girl!! Lol

And very wise to hold off on dating... you’ll know when it’s time!

Drained1

Good morning all and Happy Friday!! Just wanted to touch base with everyone.... my daughter could go into labor at any moment now. The baby has been head down and LOW for about 2 weeks now. She has began to show some signs that it could be soon. The doctor told her to start doing squats and lunges, and to walk! As this approaches, I am getting super anxious but also super nervous for my daughter. All these emotions.... eek!!!

But, in other news.... I have access to the court system's public cases. I set up an account during the divorce. I can see all case info that goes through Superior Court. I check the site on occasion to see if there are any changes. I saw the other day that a State Trooper was subpoenaed as a witness before the Grand Jury this morning at 8:30am. I did all my research and, if you're not familiar, what this means is that the Prosecutor presents all evidence before a grand jury and Judge. The jury makes a decision on whether to indict the defendant or not based on evidence presented and witness testimony. I don't know if the defendant has to be present for this hearing. But likely they will indict him and it will move forward. After that an arraignment hearing will be set where he will plead guilty or not guilty. I am sure that negotiations have already began but if not they will begin to negotiate and if an agreement cannot be made between Prosecutor and Defendant then a trial date will be set. This could take months to a year honestly. Either he isn't telling anyone what's going on or they are all keeping it hush hush because nobody has said anything about the hearing this morning. Guess technically it's not my business but feel that his ex would have been told if his sister at least knew. Who knows... all I know is that I've heard nothing from him since October and nothing about him in quite a while. He tried to contact my neighbor across the street on the day of their little boy's bday party and he said he did not even open the message because he felt like he was reaching out that particular day knowing I would have been there for the party.

Which leads me to the next thing I wanted to talk about and this is the only place I can do so. My neighbor across the street has a past with drugs as well. I think I remember telling you guys about this early on. Well, after they apologized to me and realized that they were wrong and had believed the wrong person in our situation I began to hang with them a lot more. I never let my guard down though, like I've mentioned here before... that trust was broken. I was over there a several times back during the holidays, and on one occasion "K" asked me if I had any pain meds from my surgery left..... that he would buy some. I literally just stared at him in shock. Definitely the WRONG person to ask that!! After that, I became a bit more distant. I limited my time over there. You guys may remember that "Bob" had moved in over there... and he is still there actually. Well anyway, fast forward to today..... "K" has lost a lot of weight, every time I've been over there he has been moody and just not his happy go lucky self. More on edge where he used to be just relaxed and easy going. At his son's bday party he disappeared and I asked my friend where he went and she said "he is having bad anxiety today".... Ok, she is normally the one that doesn't handle crowds and gatherings well, he is always fine. My other friends that moved from next door a few months back were there too and they both noticed the same things I did. Their niece's boyfriend works with "K" and I've come to learn that he has witnessed ALL of them taking a roxy one morning before work. And, he has stated that he has stopped off at a house on the way home to buy stuff. Apparently he is snorting now too according to the bf of their niece. A guy that "Bob" and my ex knew that was a known user has been at their house almost daily now too. I have decided I'm not hanging out anymore. I had already distanced myself a good amount but knowing this and seeing things for myself helps make that decision. I was wanting to still be able to have a friendship with my female friend, but I just do not want to be around any of that. The evening of the bday party I went back over to hang out and another known user friend of theirs was there.... I almost left as soon as I saw he was there but I wanted to hang out with my friend because I had not seen her in a while. At one point "K" walked over to her and asked her how much she sold the xanax to "D" for and she told him an amount. Then looked over at me super quick like she realized it was me.... she was like "I would never do that if I knew someone had a problem with it or abused them... I don't want you to think the wrong thing." Sooooo...... that didn't sit well because she knows exactly where I stand on all of that.

It makes me sad first and foremost to think that another family is about to be torn apart if this continues. But it also makes me soooo freaking mad!!! They literally watched my whole life fall apart. They watched us lose everything. They have been there through every stage of this in our lives ..... WHY on God's green Earth would you choose to do it!!!!!! To risk your life, your family. "K" has the mentality that he can control his use. I just need a little advice on how to handle this. Do I cut them out of my life completely? Do I say something?

@dominica @DeanD @tiredmom

dominica

@Drained1 hey there. thanks for the update. my answer would be "it depends"..for me, this would depend on how close i was to someone. knowing me, and knowing what i know about addiction, i would sit and have a heart-to-heart with anyone i knew was using drugs... from a kind and compassionate space. i think too many people sweep under the carpet or ignore the humongous elephant in the room. but once that conversation is had... it's up to them what they do or don't do. their life. their lessons. their timing.

i would also add during that conversation that i choose to spend time with those that are actively working on doing their "inner work"... meaning, i'm not not going to spend time with active users who have no gumption to address an addiction or work on themselves. unless it was an immediate family member or someone very close (example: my son who drinks)... i spend time with him...let him live his life (already had "talks" with him and he knows where i stand. but i can spend time with him and love him without conditions.

but neighbors? acquaintances? i think each person is different and not necessarily a right or wrong here. it's what you desire. so what i may do is just what i feel led, and hard to say until i was in that spot.

does this make sense?

Drained1

@dominica yes that definitely makes sense. We were all extremely close before all this with my ex and I. We were all like family. I mean down to Thanksgiving dinner together, Christmas mornings with each other.... but things changed last year with all my ex's lies and basically turning them against me until they started to see the truth. I don't really hear from them anymore other than the invite to the bday party. We were getting back to where we would text or talk pretty regularly but it all slowed after the holidays honestly. I feel if I were to address it that it would be met with defense and would cause tension there. The last thing I want at home these days is drama and tension. I've finally got my home feeling like home and a place I enjoy being.

DeanD

@Drained1... I agree with pretty much everything @dominica said. For me, unless the neighbor was someone I was currently very close to, I would probably not say anything. I would also avoid contact with them if I knew they were actively using. Like you said, the last thing you want or need at home these days is drama and tension. I just feel like getting involved in that situation could be a powder keg. Is it possible that you could have a talk with them and they would welcome it? And admit to having a problem and seek help? Yes. But it's also possible that they will resent the conversation, and that could make things very uncomfortable for you. I just don't think it's worth the risk. That's my $0.02.

Drained1

Thank you @DeanD that's kind of my thoughts as well... not worth my peace. I already lost plenty of that with my ex when he was around

tiredmom

Hello @Drained1 Sorry I am just getting to posting. Yesterday was a bad day for me as I was dealing with a terrible migraine that just wouldn't quit. Today is better thankfully. I agree with Dean. I honestly don't think anything good would come from it if you had a conversation with your friend or any of them. They are adults and if they are using, most likely are in a state of denial about it anyway. If someone is snorting, they are on their way to serious addiction if not already there. And to be honest, if you're friend is selling xanax, she is no better. Everyone who abuses drugs tends to minimize what they are doing and most likely they will just take offense to anything you say. It seems like they have too many friends that are into shit, so if it were me I would just step back from all of them and go your way without them in your life. Who needs friends like that. The problem only gets bigger in time and after what you been through, who needs the bullshit! How exciting your daughter is getting close to having the baby. I remember when my granddaughter was born, I was in complete awe as if it was the first time I saw a baby. Lol. My daughter still jokes about the look on my face when my granddaughter was presented to us. Lol. I will be curious as to the outcome of the testimony to the grand jury. If I remember correctly, the police didn't do a very good job of searching the truck since you and your brother-in-law found a pill bottle and pill? Anyway, it will be exciting to hear about the new baby. Glad you are in a good place. Hope you are having a great weekend.

dominica

@tiredmom i hope you are feeling better today!

DeanD

Happy Monday, @tiredmom! I hope you're having a good day, and that you have an even better week!

tiredmom

Happy Monday to you too @DeanD ! I'm actually having a low-key day and doing something I rarely do, as I am constantly cleaning and keeping busy around the house. I noticed that my daisies, black-eyed-susans, and purple cone flowers are starting to come up so I did some cleaning up around them and that is the only work I did today! Lol I'm sitting around and just watching tv and relaxing and wondering why I don't do that more often, as it feels great to take a break!

DeanD

@tiredmom... We have a garden bed full of black-eyed-susans and cone flowers. They're both among my absolute favorite flowers. Great minds think alike, right?!

tiredmom

That's right @DeanD ! Great minds do think alike. I love them too as they are pretty and very hardy. They can take any kind of weather and don't require much care which makes it nice since there is always so much other yard work to do. Every year I sprinkle more seeds and the bed gets bigger. I also love my red rose bush but it takes a lot of care and pruning to keep it beautiful. I love spring and summer!! Waiting for the flowers to bloom is something that keeps me going. Lol

DeanD

@tiredmom... It was 72 and sunny in my neck of the woods yesterday. It was absolutely gorgeous. But...it’s supposed to maybe SNOW on Wednesday. WTF??!!

Drained1

This is one of the many things I love about my family here!! We can enjoy moments of talking about and enjoying life together. That's so important.... to LIVE and share in your moments with people. @tiredmom I am so glad you finally took time to do things you enjoy and to RELAX. I understand that 100%!! I've learned that I had been so consumed with staying busy and keeping myself and my mind occupied that I had exhausted myself. I had to make time to just be still.

Here in GA we have been close to 80 for a few days, today is rainy but I am so thankful because the pollen is NO JOKE this spring!! Our pollen count was over 6000 a few days ago. It's like snow... but yellow instead of white here LOL!!! Those memes that say "It doesn't snow in the south, it pollens" is very accurate.

tiredmom

Wtf is right @DeanD . You prompted me to look at our weather for the next week and thankfully no snow in sight. I just had my husband put away the snow shovel this weekend and I don't want to have to dig it back out! I think we might be clear from anymore snow where I live. But you never know. You're right @AlwaysAlex , I'm sure I would not like the short days where you are and I am someone who probably suffers from SAD in the winter. I start out enjoying the change and the ability to relax from all the yard work and leaf raking in the fall, but then before you know it I am feeling like crap. Maybe next winter I will try some Vitamins and see if that helps. Hope you have a good day.

tiredmom

@Drained1 I think you hit the nail on the head. I think that I too work myself too hard and keep busy to keep from thinking too much. And I too exhaust myself and then don't feel like doing anything at all for a few days. I'm starting to try to pace myself a bit more and just be still once in awhile. I forget that it really feels good not to be moving around so much. Of course getting older helps too because my bones let me know when I have overdone it! Lol 80 degrees sounds marvelous. I can't wait until it is warm enough to lay in the sun and get some much needed vitamin D for sure. I despise pollen!! I have a tendency to end up with serious sinus problems if there is too much pollen in the air. We have alot of trees around and there are days where everything gets covered in that nasty yellow pollen and my nose doesn't do very well. Lol. It is nice to share your moments with people, isn't it? I have been up since 7:00 and have been sitting around and having some coffee and haven't done anything but throw in a load of laundry and post on the forum. But it is relaxing and I am learning to relax more than I used to. I'm glad to hear you are too. I'm thinking we will be hearing from you soon that you are a grandma. How is your daughter? I'll bet she is getting anxious and excited about having the baby soon.

Drained1

@tiredmom that sounds like the perfect morning!! Good for you!! Daughter went for her weekly check up yesterday. She is 1-2 centimeters dilated and 90% effaced!! EEK!!! I am so anxious!! They are talking about possibly inducing her though. She had a few UTI's during the pregnancy and tested positive for group b strep. So they want to ensure that she has antibiotics and fluids via IV at least 30 minutes prior to his birth for safety. If things move too quickly they can't guarantee this will happen. So she is officially on maternity leave from work as of yesterday. They moved an hour away from my house a few months ago, and she is having all of her records sent to the hospital that is closer to her house and meeting with the midwives that her current midwife recommended that delivers where she will be going. So she is taking care of all of that within the next day or two. Thank you for asking!! I'm so anxious to meet him and so nervous for her!!!

dominica

@Drained1 how exciting!!! i'm so happy for ya'll! are you going to be in the room with her for delivery? just curious. my daughter wanted me in there and i thought it would be too much for me, but went anyway. turned out an amazing experience.

thankfully she had an epidural... which helped.

keep us up to date! praying for ease and flow in labor and delivery!

dominica

@DeanD snow!! bless it.

Drained1

@dominica she says she prefers for it to just be her and her fiance in the room. That is fine with me, but her fiance said "just so you know, if she starts calling for you I'm getting you in there" hahaha! I have never experienced a normal birth, I went into preterm labor with her at around 6.5 months and had an emergency c-section a month before her due date so I don't have to slightest idea what to tell her to expect lol

DeanD

@dominica... "Bless" is not the word I would use. But, yeah...SNOW.

dominica

@Drained1 i was nervous in the room... but it worked out great. it'll be great for her too!

i find the nurses are angels....they make the experience so great! and, my daughter had a wonderful dr. too. that helps!

6.5 months! wow! that's early..glad it all worked out well!

big hug to you!

dominica

@DeanD haha. i hear you.

Drained1

Just wanted to share with ya'll what I did this morning.... Oh, and still no baby..... So I had a little money put back that I saved for "me time". I had just been sitting on the money because I've been so hesitant to decide on what it should go towards. I have terrible decision making skills.... especially when it comes to spending money on me. So, this morning I ran across a great deal on Groupon for concert tickets to an artist I absolutely LOVE! I saw that the date of the concert was the same day as one of my closest friend's birthday (the one that lives an hour away that I go visit often). I text her asking if she had plans for her b-day and she said no. So, I offered to buy her ticket as her b-day gift..... see back shortly after everything went down and I made my ex leave, she bought me a concert ticket to one of my all time favorite rock band concerts and took me. It was a wonderful night!! You guys may remember that. Anyway, she agreed and said it sounded perfect! I got 2 tickets (lawn seats... but who cares) for $40!!! Then, I got an email regarding early bird pricing for a 5K that I participated in last August. So, I asked the same friend if she is interested ..... either way I had decided I was going to do it! She said she wants to as well. She and I are already doing another 5K in June too. So I spent that money on two different events and still have a little left! But I am super excited because I have been saying that this is going to be a summer of adventures and doing new things!! This summer I have two 5K's, and a concert with my close friend (she went through a divorce around the same time as me) Also my lifelong best friend and I, along with one of our other close friends have already planned and booked a cabin in the mountains at the end of June. The cabin is a family members of our friends, so we got it dirt cheap. It's right on the river. We are going to grill and go hiking and sight seeing and to the casino that's about 45 minutes away and just relax and do what we want when we want for the weekend. Guys, I'm so excited right now!!!!!

@DeanD @dominica @tiredmom

tiredmom

I would be excited too @Drained1 !! You are doing just what you said you were going to do. All of your plans so far for summer sound awesome! There's nothing like a good concert and music to lift your spirits, a good run to get your heart pumping, and a cabin on the river to soothe your soul. You seem to be covering everything right now with the mixture of your plans. Lol. You made me think about a time when I went up to Jackman Maine and had a cabin on the Kennebec river and went white water rafting and kayaking down the river. The whole atmosphere was so serene and soothing. So far I don't have anything planned, but I am hoping things work out because I would like to go to the Poconos so I can play in the waterfalls and hike and simply enjoy nature. It's been a tough year and I really need something like that. I'm impressed you are doing a 5k. That's fantastic, and it sounds like a lot of fun. Good for you girl! And that baby will be coming soon! Get ready to be in awe.

Drained1

@tiredmom when you put it like that... sounds like I do have it all covered!! I sure hope you get the opportunity to do the things you want to do as well... its sounds amazing & definitely enjoyable. I know all that sounds cheesy or not quite as exciting as I made it out to be, but to me its HUGE. And.... tomorrow is my 1 year anniversary as a part of this forum.... compared to this time last year I am so proud of where I am and thankful for the person I have become. I was actually reading through my very first post here and reading through all of the comments and the progression throughout that first post.... my goodness..... what a nightmare I was living. @DeanD & @dominica were so amazing and caring. I am forever grateful.

tiredmom

It doesn't sound cheesy at all @Drained1 . I would be excited too. Unless you have lived a life with someone in active addiction you wouldn't be able to understand just how horrible our lives can get and it would be hard to understand how someone could get excited about things others might take for granted. But I get it! When we come out of that life and start to live again we are happy and appreciate the things that bring us joy. We are able to feel excitement about things again. It's just great to be doing something different and taking care of our own needs. So yes, you should be excited! Hell, I'm excited over a simple Game of Thrones party my sister is having before the show returns on Sunday!

Drained1

It really is the little things isn't it @tiredmom ! So glad to be able to share my experiences.....good & bad..... with my family here that really understands these things when others may not!!

DeanD

I'm sooooo excited that you're sooooo excited for the summer, @Drained1! And I'm sooooo happy that you're taking care of YOU and doing things that make YOU happy! My, oh, my... How far you've come!

Keep looking out for yourself, my dear friend. And know that amazing, wonderful things are going to come your way. I just know it!!!

dominica

@Drained1 ah, that is so exciting!! music and running; two things i love too! well, not so much running anymore...but exercise!

GOOD FOR YOU!

enjoy your summer, your life.... you deserve it!

i do want to throw out there... you said "i don't make good financial decisions" or something like that... i want to let you know you can change this behavior you ARE changing this behavior... embody it. own it. you CAN.

Drained1

Thank you @DeanD! Guess what today is!!! It's my 1 year anniversary of finding you guys, finding a "family" and friends here that have been there for me and have guided me, that have supported and encouraged me and gave me honest advice, and the beginning of stopping the madness I had been living in!!!!! YAY!!!! Woot woot!!! HAPPY 1 YEAR!!! My goodness at the changes in my life throughout this past year.

Never in a million years would I thought so many things could happen in the period of 12 months. But it was also the beginning of me finding myself. On this date 1 year ago my life was revolving around a spouse that was in active use and I didn't want to believe it. I was living in a world of lies and secrets and didn't even realize it. It's been a year of turmoil and trauma, a year of darkness and sadness, a year of loss and of grieving the loss of someone that is still alive if that makes sense. A year of unanswered questions, a year of forgiving someone that never saw an issue with their behavior and a year of coming to terms with the fact that I will never have the type of closure I deserve. A year that has tested me to my limits and thrown more at me than one person should ever have to carry in a lifetime...much less all at once.

But it's also been a year of growth, of self care, of becoming a new and better person. A year of learning who I am as an individual. All of the hell I went through brought me right to where I am now. Each time I wanted to and tried to turn back the door was closed in my face and kept me pushing and moving forward. A year ago, even 6 months ago I never thought I would say that I am thankful..... but I am. I am so thankful that everything happened the way it did. I am at a good place in my life. I am pretty happy. I am at peace. I am no longer living in chaos and worried every minute of the day.

And... I'm gonna be a Grandma!! If she does not go into labor naturally by Sunday, they are inducing her Sunday at 8pm. So, my grandson will be here sometime Monday morning or before then. I'll be a "Gigi"!! A year ago I could not have imagined this happening and being this excited about this lol!!!

@dominica @tiredmom

DeanD

Happy anniversary, @Drained1!!!!! Wow! That year flew by pretty quickly, and you certainly did kick some major ass over the last 365 days. I've said it before, but it's worth saying again:

I'm soooooo damn proud of you!!!

You are the poster child for what someone can change if they're willing to put themselves first and do the necessary work. I remember how bad things were for you when you first came here. And NOW look at you!!! Amazing progress, my dear!

Keep moving forward and being the best YOU you can be!!! And thanks for putting up with us for a whole year!

dominica

@Drained1 ahhhh, so excited for Gigi!! It's truly a blessing.

Drained1

@DeanD @dominica Thank you both so very much.... seriously you both have been a huge factor in where I am at today!!!! Love you both!!!!

DeanD

Love you more, @Drained1!

tiredmom

I think we need to book a cruise to celebrate @Drained1 , one year!

Drained1

@tiredmom i am game!!! Lol

Vicbrenan

Haha I always joke that I’m a bear and I hibernate in winter. I hate it! I love spring and all of its beauty. Beautiful post @Drained1 I think this will be an amazing year for you as you work on re-building. I have had to re-build my life and it’s tough but it’s also very satisfying and it helps you grow.

Yay for a new grand baby also!!! So exciting!!!!

Drained1

Thank you @Vicbrenan !!!

Drained1

Good morning everyone. Yesterday I woke up at 4:49am, was at work at 6am. Left work at 3:30pm. Volunteered to help clean my church at 7pm, left the church at 8pm, drove over to the location where the church is having an event tomorrow to drop off Easter baskets I had made for a raffle. Was pulling out of there when my daughter called to say her water had broke around 7pm & they were otw to the hospital!! So I met them here and helped get her checked in. Long story short..... (Lol funny coming from me) its approx 4:15am and i am sitting in the waiting room still. My mom came for about 2 hrs but left to around 1am. Nobody else is here. She told everyone else to just hold off until things start moving. Actually my mom literally just walked back in. At 12:30am she got an epidural and was 4cm dilated and still 90% effaced. They started antibiotics and pitocin around 10pm. Will keep yall posted

@DeanD @dominica @tiredmom

DeanD

@Drained1... I’m so excited!!!

tiredmom

Oh how exciting @Drained1 !! You have had a very long day and night!!

dominica

@Drained1 can't wait to hear all about your precious grandbaby!!

yay!!

DeanD

Hey, @Drained1... Don't forget to give us all the details about the new addition to your family! The people want to know!!

Drained1

Guys...... I am just floating on cloud 9 this morning. My heart is so full!! It was a very long weekend to say the least. Baby Boy was born Saturday April 13 at 5:27am, weighed 7 lbs 5.3 oz and was 20.5 inches long. He is absolutely perfect!!! My daughter did phenomenal. It was just her and her fiance in the delivery room. She said it was an amazing experience. She deals with a lot of anxiety as does her fiance and they were preparing for hectic room full of people lol. She said it was just them, the midwife and the one nurse that was there the whole time. She had no tearing and no stitches and they kept telling her how wonderful she did, especially for this being her first child. They got to leave the hospital and go home yesterday shortly after noon. I seriously ugly cried watching them pull away from the hospital to go home!! Such a bittersweet moment. I am so thankful that she delivered at the hospital near my house. It was such an amazing experience. I was able to be there and be such a part of this rather than being an hour away. I was able to leave and give them time with other visitors and then come back to bring them food or whatever they needed. Her fiance would leave and go to my house to take a shower when she would sleep so he didn't wake her so it all just turned out perfect.

I am going to try to figure out how I can share a picture on here.... I feel like you guys are his extended family! Thank you all so very much for your thoughts and for checking in!!!!! @DeanD @dominica @tiredmom

dominica

@Drained1 ahhhh, i am so happy for you and them!! grateful that all went so well....and that family is doing fine.

i bet you are beaming ear to ear! being a grandma is amazing. my first grandson is 5 months old..and it's been incredible watching him grow.

congrats to you!!! enjoy, enjoy, and enjoy!!

thanks for sharing!

Drained1

Thank you @dominica !! it's hard to believe your grand is already 5 months!!! I just can't stop smiling lol!! My daughter's bday is tomorrow, so I am going to go home and rest after work today and go out to see them all tomorrow and see my daughter for her bday. I am really exhausted today though. I guess all of the adrenaline has worn off and now my body is like "Ok, I'm done" hahaha!!

DeanD

Practice some self-care after work today, @Drained1. You deserve it. And congrats on your new grandson!! I'm so happy for you, your daughter, and her fiancé!!!

Drained1

Thank you @DeanD and I have already decided self care is ABSOLUTELY a must today. I'm so tired. Perhaps an evening with Netflix and an unhealthy dinner on the couch after a pedicure..... that's kinda what I am feeling lol I need to stop off to get her bday card since I didn't get to over the weekend as planned. Was going to get Easter stuff too but I decided it can wait.

DeanD

@Drained1... There's always pizza!

Drained1

@DeanD that was exactly what I was thinking!!!

tiredmom

Congratulations @Drained1 . So glad to hear your daughter had a smooth delivery and everything went well. It is wonderful to become a grandma. I'm sure you are in love already with the precious little one! There will be so many good times to come with him. @dominica, 5 months old! That is an age I just adore with a baby. They are smiling and very aware and start to laugh about then. I love that age. I had so much fun when I was watching my granddaughter.

Drained1

Thank you @tiredmom i am already so in love!! Tomorrow is my daughter's bday and I am going to see her and take her gift to her after work.

Drained1

@DeanD my body had other plans after work yesterday lol I left work 30 minutes early just because I was crashing.... I was struggling to stay awake. I went home, put on sweats and curled up in my recliner with my furbaby and slept!

dominica

@tiredmom for sure. such a cute age!!

@Drained1 such an amazing time in your life!

DeanD

@Drained1... Fortunately, you can get pizza any day you want it!

Drained1

Good morning guys!!!! Yesterday was my daughter's birthday and I left work and went straight out to see them. I picked up mexican on the way to treat her for her birthday since it's still too soon to take baby boy out to places. My daughter asked me to help her bathe him for the first time.... he hated it hahaha but I was so honored!! My daughter is not getting much sleep and she is a lot like me so feels she needs to be busy all the time. I had to get on to her yesterday because dinner was the first she had eaten all day...... I offered to go stay the night and get up with him so she could get some sleep tonight so we shall see if she decides to do that. Her fiance is such a big help too! But..... he is an extremely heavy sleeper and isn't much help overnight.

So, as far as my ex I forgot to update ya'll. you know I have access to the court system from the account I had during our divorce. So, I can see all public cases and the front pages of any uploaded documents into the system. (I have to pay for anything after the first page) I check his case on occasion.... I'm not obsessed I promise @DeanD I saw that the grand jury did indict him on April 5. So, the case will be moving forward...which we all pretty much knew.

I was talking with his ex the other night...... she and I have always gotten along but through all of this our relationship and friendship has become so strong! She was checking in on my daughter and the baby. I began to cry..... apparently new grandmas have a very emotional response to their baby having a baby.... lol But I told her that I feel like this is the light at the end of the tunnel for me. My daughter told me she was pregnant in August last year..... only a week or so after I made my ex leave. AND during the time where I was teetering on going back and trying AGAIN with him. When she told me that, I knew I could not have a new grand-baby brought into the kind of chaos I had been living in and that my daughter and his kids had been seeing. As much as I tried to keep them away from it when he was using, they knew something was "off". So that very news was the first moment I knew I couldn't allow my life and my environment to remain the same. What a journey the past 9 months have been in my life!! There are moments that I am sad that he couldn't be a part of this because he would absolutely love this little boy, but I am thankful that I will not have to worry about his little heart being broken too or him getting attached only to have this all happen again and him being gone. I also remind myself that he was not the same person at the end of all of this. He still is not.... even his siblings say he isn't himself. At the end of everything he was very hateful. He was saying mean things about my daughter, her fiance and even his own kids so I am thankful that I did not turn back.

Ok, I'll shut up now!!! I just finally had a few minutes this morning to come here. Hope you guys have a wonderful day!!

@dominica @tiredmom

DeanD

You are in such a good place now, @Drained1. I couldn't be happier for you! I don't have any grandchildren, but my little almost-2-year-old neighbor is my "surrogate" grandson. My wife and I have a special bond with him and he brings us so much joy. And he's not even related to us! So I can only imagine the joy a little one brings when he's from your own flesh and blood. Enjoy it. Revel in it. Make memories. And know that I'm beyond proud of you for everything you've done over the last year.

tiredmom

I too had to talk to my daughter about slowing down and trying to pace herself and rest more when she had my granddaughter. New mothers don't get a whole lot of sleep that's for sure! Lol I finally convinced my daughter that instead of trying to do everything, she should try napping when the baby is sleeping so she won't get too run down from having to get up every few hours in the middle of the night. You have come a long way, and it is wonderful you are able to enjoy this time with your daughter and new grandbaby. Imagine if you were still in the same situation amidst the chaos of living with an addict, it's very possible you would not be as present for your loved ones as you are able to be right now. For myself, there have been many times where things were not good in the house so I had to keep my granddaughter away. And there were times where I was too exhausted mentally to be able to spend time with her. I really wasn't able to do all the things I wanted to do with her because there was always something going on with my son. Kids are so smart and they know and sense more than we think. At 3 years old she asked my son if something was wrong with him? Lol I was floored. Anyway, you are going to be able to enjoy your grandson so much more now that you are free from the craziness of living with an addict. And your life will be so much fuller because of it, and I know you are going to be an awesome grandma.

dominica

@Drained1 ah, glad you can help your daughter out... she will love it when you can allow her to sleep... i know my daughter did those first weeks.

i'm glad you're not obsessing about your ex. it's natural to want to know what's going on though.... time will tell. i know it was challenging to leave...but you set your boundaries (no drugs)...and stuck to it. and, you have grown in so many ways the last year.... (we all have, i think)

you're doing great...and i know i have enjoyed your presence here in the forum... not the best situation to meet each other, but good to connect.

our little family here in the forum... love all of you!

my daughter and her bf, and my new grandson are moving back to NC next week.. i'm a bit sad about that, as it's pretty far. but it is their life and i do feel like they should be there, as there is more family there. still, i'll have some adjusting to do...

Drained1

@dominica I am sorry they are moving! I know how sad you must be. my kids only live an hour from me and I feel like it's the biggest inconvenience ever!! But it's good that you understand and agree that it's where they need to be. If you ever go for a visit and pass through Atlanta let me know! I am about 3o minutes east of Atlanta.

@tiredmom you are 100% correct in that it has worked out best that he has not been around. Before I made him leave there were already so many times I had to stop my daughter from coming to visit because he had become so unpredictable and honestly just rude and distant that I didn't want her to be near him. I never would have been able to help them by letting them stay with me and never would have developed a bond with my daughter on a different "adult" level like I did during that time period.

dominica

@Drained1 I visit that area about 4 times a year... And I do drive through Atlanta, though I do not like driving through Atlanta. I mean, who does, right??? Maybe you know a better way to get through the city... and if so, message me. lol

NC is my second home...this helps me, as I want to be a big part of my adult childrens' lives... and I am!! but the distance is nice too sometimes; allows me to just do "me" without the pull to cater to them. Not enable...haha... no way on that... but you know what I mean.

Have an amazing day!

DeanD

Sorry to hear your daughter and her boyfriend are moving to North Carolina with your grandson. I know it will be hard being further away from them, but it will make the visits that much more special, right? (Silver lining!)

Happy Friday everyone!!!

Drained1

Just wanted to say hello to everyone! Hope everyone had a nice Easter weekend.

So my friend (my ex husband's ex lol) text me this morning saying that her daugher had text her Dad wishing him a happy Easter and that she talked with him on the phone . She now wants to see him. She told her mom that he talked to her like he used to and made her laugh like he always used to do. Said he acted like nothing had ever happened. She told her mom that she wanted to go see him and her mom said that she was not going to let her go to his house without her staying there.... period. She said her daughter kept saying how he kept talking about their dogs and stuff they did and all that and how he wanted her to see them and she wanted to see them...... his ex said "it sickens me that he is sucking his own daughter in and knows how to play her and manipulate her" He knows that she loves animals, especially dogs. The other time she saw him after the accident was at his sister's house but she doesn't trust the sister fully either to be able to discern if he is under the influence and also his sister is a coward when it comes to confrontation with him so if he were to start the guilt trip or self pity crap she would not stop him.

My friend and I talked for a long time and I told her that what I would likely do is to drop in at his house one afternoon unexpected and see his condition. (we had discussed her doing that before when the daughter had said she wanted to see him) Because she and I are the ONLY ones that can catch if he is messed up immediately. I told her that if she did that and was able to see him and he seemed good that she should tell him her concerns and be honest with him about her hesitance to let him see their daughter and tell him exactly what she expects. I told her to let him know that NOBODY has bad mouthed him or said anything at all negative about him to their kids and that she expects the same respect of him. Then, perhaps set up a time for him to meet her at the sister's house..... unfortunately that is the easiest and most comfortable for all. But I told her that I would be sure to walk in or stay to see him and how he was before I left her there. And also to make her very aware that if she is feeling uncomfortable like she did last time she saw him there or if he was upsetting her to text her mom.

What advice or opinions do you guys have about the best way to go about this? She is going to get hurt one way or the other..... if he does start his crap again it's gonna hurt her. If he doesn't and she gets back close to him and lets her guard down and he is sent to prison it's gonna hurt her. There is no way to keep her from getting hurt on some level in all this.

@DeanD @dominica @tiredmom

tiredmom

@Drained1 Can you tell me how old his daughter is, and how much is she aware of regarding his issues??

Drained1

@tiredmom she turned 14 in December and is fully aware of everything. Her mom did a wonderful job of explaining things to her on her level early last year when she saw things starting up again. She knew she had to bc he would always try to drive with her to cover himself and she knew i did as much as i possibly could to prevent anything. She had to explain it to her and tell her to stay with me at all times. That if it seemed like i was trying to be "mean" to him or keep her away from him that was why and to listen to whatever i said. She knows he is facing prison time and is aware of everything.

tiredmom

My thinking is she probably understands everything and probably even more than you might think. 14 year olds are pretty darn smart now a days. I probably could have ran my own household at 14, but of course everyone is different. She probably has some inner resentments towards her father, and she may or may not even be aware of them. There is no reason for her to perhaps later on hold resentments towards her mother. At the end of the day, he is still her father and I am sure she loves them. Life is hard and unfortunately the kids have to find that out sooner rather then later. I can't speak for her of course, but my own father had some serious issues. Some of them I am not sure too many people could accept, but I loved him and I accepted him flaws and all. Then again, my personally type seems to be overly compassionate, and I could love an ax murderer. Lol. My own dad had some drug charges when I was in grade school and went to prison for 2 years. It was a hard time because I was pretty young. I did get to see him before he went and once while he was there. Visiting him I don't really recommend, because it is something I can still remember. But I think it is best for your stepdaughter to be able to see him now if she wants to. I would probably tell her you know your Dad sometimes feels sorry for himself and can put on the guilt trip, but don't let it bother you, he does love you and that is just one of his problems. So my thought is she should be able to see him if she wants to., and would probably be more harmful if she doesn't. Good luck. I wanted to post to you sooner but I have been fussing with my 4 year old refrigerator that is giving me trouble again! Hopefully repair man can fix it tomorrow. Ugh! Hope you had a nice evening.

DeanD

@Drained1... I think I would let the daughter see her father, but I don't think I'd let it be at his house. At least not at first. Maybe if they got together for lunch at a restaurant or something. I dunno. Just thinking out loud. But I don't think keeping the daughter away from her dad altogether is a good idea. It might end up making her resent her mother, which would not be a good thing. Sorry I can't give you a more definitive opinion.

Drained1

good morning guys. As much as her mom is not wanting her daughter to get hurt she is definitely not going to keep her from seeing him. Just trying to figure out the safest way to do so. She is such a good mom, she has always spoke good about their dad and never tried to keep them from seeing or talking to him. Even in the worst. she has always tried to explain to them that he has a problem and that he loves them as best she could on their levels. The daughter chose to stop talking to him when he went off on her and hurt her feelings real bad on her birthday and then again a few days afterwards back in December. She knows that the best, most convenient and comfortable option is to do it at his sister's house. She doesn't want to have to be there the whole time. She is just over him and all his lies. He called her for the first time in months the other day and said that his voice sounded clear but that he was talking in circles and still telling lie after lie. Said it disgusted her. She don't want to have to put on a fake smile and act like everything is ok and doesn't want there to be tension either for her daughter's sake.

I think she has decided to drop in and see him to see how he his in person. And talk to him about her concerns and let him know that their daughter has been hurt enough and she needs her dad but doesn't need his guilt trip and self pity. She just wants her dad back for as long as she can have him...... It's such a sad situation

DeanD

I hate when kids get suffer because of parents' issues. It just breaks my heart.

tiredmom

I'm with you @Deand. It is terrible how many children have to suffer because of their parents. I feel especially sorry for the ones who suffer and are neglected because of their parents drug issues. There was a situation in our area not too long ago where the police were called because of filth and neglect. The children were living in horrible conditions and were sickly and underweight because of lack of food. But the mother had money for her heroin apparently. Makes me sick.

Drained1

Yes it's absolutely heartbreaking. Luckily for my bonus baby she has a great support system. Her mother is wonderful and so is her step dad. I am as supportive and active in her life as I can be still as well. She adores me and my daughter. I am actually picking her up tomorrow after work to take her to meet my new grandson. Her mom is coming after she gets off work as well to meet him and see my daughter. We have a really amazing relationship between all of us. I am thankful for our relationship, thankful that her mom keeps me so involved and even seeks my advice and opinions as to what is best for her. We have a bond that is not common for our circumstances for sure

dominica

@Drained1 i agree with Dean. my mom wouldn't let me see my dad when i was a teenager for a bit. he was an alcoholic, but my mom was also angry at him... and it broke my heart... but i would sneak phone calls to him. i didn't care much at that time (nor did i understand..), i just wanted to talk with my dad. in my eyes, he was just...... dad. so maybe there could be a connection there... as long as he wasn't abusing her in any way... and she was safe ... just my two cents.

dominica

@Drained1 bless it... her mom does sound great. i pray that her daughter can process it all and heal....

have a great day!

Drained1

@dominica good morning. Yes, her mom is wonderful and has done such a great job under the circumstances. The truth is that she too still loves him and she didn't want things to end with them either, but she had to get herself and her kids out of his chaos. She has known him since they were very young, they were together and had their oldest son when they were just teens. They were together 16 years. They too would separate when he would relapse and get out of control and she would end up taking him back and doing exactly what I did. Finally she had to put a stop to it just like I ended up doing. She has been very open and honest with me through all of this to help me understand that she TRULY and fully understood every emotion I was experiencing. She needed me to see that it was what was best for ME.
She has answered every question I've asked her very honestly. For example, when I asked her if he was still telling her he loved her and he wanted to come home after he and I were together .... I asked her that b/c that's what he did with me. He got with is new GF immediately (another friend of his sister's.... smh) and was still emailing, calling, texting me all of that. Come to find out, he was doing that. I have been so appreciative of her willingness to be so transparent and honest with me at the expense of stirring up her own unhealed emotions. Honestly together we have helped each other move forward and heal.

dominica

@Drained1 glad ya'll can support one another like that.... and glad both of you have moved on with your lives... it's unfortunate, for sure... but don't have to let it ruin the present or future.

have a great night!

DeanD

Happy to hear that the two of you are helping each other move forward and heal, @Drained1. Teamwork makes the dream work!

Happy Friday! Have a FABULOUS weekend, my dear!

tiredmom

@DeanD @dominica @Vicbrenan @Drained1 Happy Friday everyone! It's been raining nonstop all day today. Everything is getting very green which is a good thing, but darn the rain is making me sleepy. Lol So it's going to be a quiet night at home for me. Hope everyone else is having a good day and has a great weekend!

DeanD

@tiredmom... We're supposed to get snow tomorrow night. Between 1 and 4 inches. No foolin'.

tiredmom

Oh no!!!!!! @DeanD That is ridiculous! It's been pretty nice weather in Pennsylvania. All my trees in my yard are full of leaves finally, and my dogwood trees are in full-bloom and beautiful. And the red maples look beautiful too. If we were to get snow right now I think I'd either scream or cry! Lol. I don't want to see snow until December at least! Do you have to cover plants or anything? That would suck.

DeanD

@tiredmom...

Check out this article from Detroit Free Press:

About that snow: Up to 5 inches expected in parts of metro Detroit this weekend

https://www.freep.com/story/weather/2019/04/26/weekend-snowfall-could-bring-5-inches-parts-metro-detroit/3585133002/

tiredmom

@DeanD Now that's a bunch of crap! Don't you just hate when you think its finally over, and then it's not over! But I think you should be free of snow after this. Lets hope.

Drained1

Don't mean to brag but its sunny and mid 70s here in GA... Maybe yall should come for a visit?!?! Haha I am about to head to the store, I will catch up with you guys later! Happy Friday

DeanD

@Drained1.... Grrrrrrrrrrr.

dominica

@tiredmom i hope your weekend was good! and oh wow @DeanD SNOW!! man, oh man... that's crazy. like you, @Drained1 , i won't comment on our weather in LA. i def feel for ya'll up north. i lived there for 35 years!

my weekend was bitter sweet. my daughter moved friday evening... so bum on that part... but it was also festival international here, so that was fun.

have a blessed week everyone!

Drained1

@dominica Sorry you are bummed about your daughter moving, I can't imagine how difficult that must be. I didn't get to see my babies over the weekend. I decided to give them a break from company, and I had just been out there on Thursday afternoon. I ordered them a stroller that will arrive today so I will be taking it out to them one day this week. My daughter was just not producing enough breast milk to keep baby boy full so she has switched to formula and he slept for a solid 6 hours yesterday!! I told her his little belly was finally full.

I had a wonderful weekend still though. My friends across the street invited me over Friday night to hang out and catch up, but I passed and said I would come over Saturday evening because I was just too tired to even enjoy it. I went and treated myself to a pedicure Saturday morning, then went shopping for a birthday gift for my friend's daughter. Went to the tanning bed then home until it was time to leave for the birthday party. The party went great.... it was the first I've seen my friend in a very long time. She used to date my ex brother in law and we were all at the party this time last year. It was a little bittersweet. Last year at the party both his brother and sister had noticed his change on their own and they were asking how he was doing while we were all at the party. It was the time where I was trying everything I could and staying so worried and stressed and exhausted. Sad to look back on but good to see where I am now compared to then. I stayed at the party for a long time then went home and relaxed. My friends were not home until much later so I didn't go over... which to be honest I am glad about. I am just uneasy about hanging out with them right now. Just things I see with them and changes in how they act. They both used to be so happy go lucky and enjoyable to be around. Now, he seems very distant and grumpy. Also, I'm at a different place in my life. I really don't drink much anymore and I am trying to stick to that and that's all we ever do when we hang out.

Sunday I went to church and then went to bike fest on the square in my town. It was so nice. I hung out with a few of my new friends from church and really truly enjoyed it. Afterwards I went home and completed a crafty project I had started years ago lol. It's something I started for my ex husband, it was a sign for our coon hound for the front porch. I finished it yesterday and plan on giving it to my friend that has our doggie now. He and I still keep in touch. I think he and his wife will really like it.

So, it was a full weekend but not like it has been... it was all about me and whatever I wanted to do.

DeanD

I'm so glad you had such a fulfilling weekend, @Drained1. Yay for you doing what YOU wanted to do. That's all part of self-care, my friend.

@dominica... I'm sorry your daughter moved away. I'm sure that's a bummer for you. On the other hand, if my two adult sons would move away, I'd be freakin' elated.

As far as the weather here in suburban Detroit goes... Not surprisingly, we never did get any snow. The weather folks were wrong again. Surprise! I've always thought being a weatherperson would be the best job in the world. If you're prediction is right, no one cares. And if it's wrong, no one cares because they were expecting it to be wrong anyway.
Happy Monday, kids! Have a marvelous week! I'm going to try and do the same.

dominica

@DeanD ah, i hear you about your sons. it does free me up to "do me" more though, i will admit that. i am choosing to focus on the positives...

Drained1

@dominica although my daughter and her family are only an hour away from me, I still miss them but know if they were closer I would begin to neglect myself and my "me time". As badly as I wanted to go see them over the weekend I knew that I needed to take some time for me. I've been going and going for months on end. All stuff I have enjoyed but it was all stuff I felt obligated to be doing. This past weekend was quite the opposite. No rush. This coming weekend is going to be the same. Then, I have 3 Saturdays of birthday parties following this coming weekend lol I am going to a concert with my friend on her birthday on May 16 too. I have a lot of stuff coming up but it's all fun stuff I will enjoy and I'm looking forward to

dominica

@Drained1 i understand... that feeling that we have to "be there"... and oftentimes, that's just us and they're not feeling like we need to "be there' as much. lol but yes, i get it....

glad you got some time for yourself... you do have some good stuff coming up. that's great! enjoy!!

DeanD

You are becoming a regular social butterfly, @Drained1! I love it!!!

Drained1

@DeanD a year ago I wouldn't and couldn't have committed to ANY event..... I am so at peace these days. I have often wondered why I am still single but I am thankful I haven't jumped into another relationship before now. I have invested so much in to self care and finding ME. Figuring out who I am as an individual and not based around someone else. Being alone and working through things has made me stronger and more independent than I already was. I have always been strong and independent but not on this level. It is definitely going to pay off when and if I ever find someone else.

DeanD

What a beautiful post, @Drained1. Brought tears to my eyes. Happy tears.