Watched the movie Ben Is Back

Well I finally saw the movie Ben Is Back. I wasn't able to find a theatre when it came out, but it was finally able to be rented on our cable network. When I saw the movie, I cannot tell you how much anxiety I had through the whole movie. It was like watching my life with my son play out in front of me. All the way to the fact that Ben lived with his mother and stepfather and how his mother reacted to his issues and how the stepfather reacted. Her love and desperation was so real and I had so many different feelings throughout the movie that it was bizarre. There were times when I felt like I couldn't breathe well from feeling anxiety and to be honest, it wasn't an enjoyable experience. The movie brought back too many feelings and it felt strange to watch something that looked just like my own life.
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  • I want to see this movie. I watched Beautiful boy and read tweak. It was interesting to see the same story from the father's point of view vs the son point of view. I do feel like I would feel the anxiety too
  • It stressed me out! It made me remember the crazy places I drove at night to pick up my son when he would be stranded somewhere and the time he gave his car to a dealer for a week for drugs and I called the dealer screaming at the top of my lungs like some lunatic and insisting that asshole text me an address because I was coming with my crazy husband to get the car and we end up picking it up on a dead end street in the freaking ghetto of the city! I was crazed with rage I couldn't control and to be honest that guy never bothered with my son again because I am imagining he thought I must be insane by the way I was talking to him. Thank God he was some young stupid kid or I might have got hurt, but my rage was so severe I was choking while I was screaming at him. I think I scared the shit out of him. I think that was the worst I ever got. I shouldn't even admit to that behavior but I think I was at the end of my rope with frustration and I really did lose it. That movie brought back that experience and the feelings!!
  • @mammakim @tiredmom i'm sure it did bring up some stuff in ya'll.... tough stuff for sure. i appreciated the movie from the parent's point of view.... i've not been in that particular spot... but now understand better what can go on...

  • The movie did a great job of showing it from the parents point of view @dominica . I didn't think of that, but now that you mentioned that, I appreciate that it was so spot on from the parents point of view. They did a great job depicting how a mother feels and how desperate she can become in trying to help her son and how it effects the whole family. As women I think we have a natural instinct to try to protect our children and that is part of why it is difficult not to enable. It just doesn't feel natural when we are having to step back. It did help my husband understand a little bit better how I feel though, and it helped him realize that some of what I did must be a mother thing and maybe I couldn't help it. Lol
  • @tiredmom you nailed it: it is challenging to step back!!! (and not take it personal)

    sometimes i think how it just sucks we can't always "fix" our children's wounds... ya know??? but that is the way it is as human beings on this planet. once they reach a certain age...their responsibility. we can hold space, pray, and learn how to best be of support to them...and then let go.

    praying for all of our adult children!!! :)
  • @dominica For me personally, I never took it personal as if he did things to deliberately upset me or anything like that, but I took it personal that so much havoc and chaos ensued and that everyone was always miserable and he made so many messes that seemed to end up being in my face. Of course they were his problems, but when he is living with me I have to see everything and try to deal with everything. Not to mention the mood swings and ridiculous behavior that you are living with. There are just no words to describe it. My days were filled with anxiety, misery. anger, disgust and on occasion, pure freaking rage at some of his antics. I was never the type of person to sit back and just watch things happen and that is part of my problem. If he was so high and I knew that if I went to bed and he used again, because honestly there were times he absolutely had zero inkling of what he was doing and I am sure would have died during the night. That would put me in such fear and then anger and I will admit that there were times I would put him in a headlock, put my leg behind his legs, knock him to the floor and wrestle the shit from his hands! He is bigger than I am, but I am not one to be messing with when I am pissed off. I know that all sounds crazy and it was! But I might not have stopped him from using but I kept him alive another day. That is the part where start to take it personal. Even though I know it was my choice to do that, it still pissed me off because it was hard not to try to save his life at least. I would get angry because I couldn't help think look at the extreme shit I have to go through to keep you from ending up dead. It is just hard no matter what.
  • @tiredmom thank you for sharing that. i cannot imagine, not having been in your shoes... but it makes sense. as a parent, we'd do most anything to keep our kids alive.... no joke. fierce love, that's what i call it... maybe it's considered erratic or co-dependent or cray-cray, but i can see how that kind of love could cause us to react like that....

    i really appreciate your honesty and vulnerability.
  • Thanks @dominica. There are certain things that are not that hard to step back from, but when you think it could possibly end in you waking up and finding your own child dead in his room, it really is impossible for me at least to just go to bed and tell myself whatever will be will be, or that I have no control. Because at that moment I felt I did have control over the outcome even if it meant I get physical and take it away from him. I have no regrets about it because he is still here today, while some of his friends are not and he has 4 months clean. Will it last? There is no way of knowing, but at least I know I played a part in the fact he is still here to try.
  • I still haven't been able to watch Beautiful Boy or Ben Is Back. I will, eventually. But my son is still struggling with some stuff and I figure I don't need to be reminded of the stress and anxiety I feel every day. I'm really glad that these movies were made, though, because people need to see the whole addiction thing from the parent's perspective. It's educational, for sure.
  • You're right @DeanD . People have no clue what the parents really going through. What was nice for me was my husband was able to see that some of what I have done is not just me, but the behavior of mothers in general. I tell him all the time that it is hard being a mother and constantly having to fight that natural instinct we have to protect our children. I am a pretty calm and collected person normally. I will admit I sometimes have a little temper, but when it comes to my children, I get Cray Cray! I'm sorry your son is struggling with some things right now. I will add him to my prayers. Hope you are having a good day..
  • @DeanD hey you. sending big love your way, and to your sons... may a big shift for the better come for them...we call it in!
  • Thanks for the love, @dominica. I'm hoping a positive change will come about sooner rather than later. :)
  • glad you were able to see it @AlwaysAlex !!
  • I saw that movie too @AlwaysAlex . I felt like I was watching myself. For me it depicted alot of what a mother goes through with a young son who is addiction to drugs. Especially how she was so worried. His things, drove him around, put herself at risk. And the issues she had with the stepfather were on point for me as well. Even her reaction when she opened his bedroom door and thought he was on the floor. The movie was hard for me to watch as it could have been a story of mine and my sons life.
  • Not his things. Lol. HID things.
  • I think the kids were smarter than the mother @AlwaysAlex . The mother was full-blown codependent. Just like me. When you are a parent it is hard not to get in the middle of all the craziness. It is a good thing to continue to love someone no matter where they are in their life, but it is not good if you let it destroy your own or constantly make your life all about them.
  • Yes you are right @AlwaysAlex . The whole thing can make a parent crazy. At one point I was ferocious in what I thought was protecting my son. I even called and threatened dealers. I didn't care what they thought. All I knew is that I was furious. Wasn't a smart thing to do. I even told them I am not someone to mess with because I am crazy and if they keep selling to him or come around they will soon find out just how crazy I am . Believe it or not, I did manage to scare a few and my son would get pretty upset of course. But I would tell him to get it together and I won't have to act like a lunatic. I'm ashamed now at some of the things I did. It took me a long time to get to the point where I came to the realization he will do what he wants to do regardless if I threaten people or not. I was at a place where I wasn't able to control my rage. I didn't care what he or anyone who gave him drugs thought. I was a pissed off mess.
  • I'm glad he got to see you sober too @AlwaysAlex . I know personally how difficult it is when your kid gets into trouble. The police I our town always say they are more afraid of me than my son. He was always pretty compliant with them because he was too messed up not to be. He was one of those that would tell o. Himself. Give them anything he had. Of course there were times when he was a handful also. It's been a rough road. I have had my share of battles with the dealers and the people he ran with. I have screamed at some to the point I woul d start choking. LMAO. It seems ridiculous now, but it wasn't funny at the time. Many a young man got escorted out of my house by their hair. Especially if I came home and found them there after I told them not to come to my house. That kind of disrespect for what I said would make me livid. But eventually they all learned and wouldn't even pick him up at our house. He had to walk down the street before getting picked up. He will have 8 months clean on August 1. I never thought I would see the day. He was soooooo out of control at one time.
  • He is clean @AlwaysAlex . But unfortunately he still has low energy. He has had low energy for years since a traumatic brain injury. The low energy is what drove him to use drugs in the first place I believe. But he does have some good days. The positive is he is much more pleasant and I can talk to him now without him screaming and bitching and blaming. He is seeing a mental health counselor once a week for private sessions and also a drug and alcohol counselor each week. Anything is a huge improvement from where he was. He has had severe anxiety issues and panic problems over the years. The doctor took him off those shitty bemzos thank goodness, and some may not agree with it, but had him get a medical marijuana card. He does smoke a little bit, but it is minimal and his anxiety is so much better and he is not all messed up on the bemzos which were a nightmare to get off of, especially since he was also using heroin. He has been on opiates for about 10 years. Can't believe he is no longer on the that disgusting drug.
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