Husband addicted to porn

I found out my husband was addicted to porn about 2 years ago. Since then it’s been a battle of finding it over and over again even when he says he’s stopped. He finds any way to be sneaky. His phone is already restricted after finding multiple ways to view porn. Last night, after thinking things had finally been good for a while, I find that he was seeking out sex scenes on tv. Every time he knows how bad this hurts me. He knows I don’t want to deal with this and we have a 3 year old together. It’s like we aren’t important enough for him to stop. Even if watching porn means losing us, he will always choose porn. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to live my life always watching over him to make sure it’s not happening. Also I hate the idea of my son having his parents divorce and growing up in deepest enough households. I feel so betrayed. My husband always makes me feel like I’m crazy when I think things and this is exactly why, because there always is something. When I found out last night, he denied it for a good 10 minutes before he just admitted. I need advice, I’m not even really sure on what. I’ve been up all night crying, it’s like mourning the loss of my family, all the things we were supposed to do. I just dont understand why my son and I aren’t worth just not looking at porn.
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  • Welcome to the forum, @Spouseofaddicted. I'm sorry to hear about your husband's struggle with porn, but I'm glad you found us and reached out.

    Porn addiction is a huge problem in the world today, so just know that you are not alone. It's a problem many men and women have, and their spouses suffer because of it. Just remember: Your husband's addiction is an illness. He's not a bad person, he's a sick person.

    I totally get your frustration with watching over him to keep tabs on his porn viewing. Policing our partner is not something we should have to do. In fact, it can be exhausting, both mentally and physically. The bottom line is that you can't control your husband's behavior. You can try, but if he wants to watch porn, he's going to figure out a way to do it. It's just like any other addiction. If the addict wants their drug bad enough, they will not be stopped.

    It's obvious that your husband needs help. I'm curious... Has he sought out any assistance for his illness in the past? Has he by chance seen a therapist? My suggestion to you would be to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with him. Tell him you want him to get help, and that you will support him if he does so. Maybe he's embarrassed by his addiction and is reluctant to reach out for help. Your support may make it easier for him to do so.

    You may also want to look into therapy for yourself to help you deal with all the feelings you're having as a result of your husband's addiction.

    We are here to help, support, and listen. I know what you're going through is not easy. But you can come here anytime you want and lean on us. I also hope that @JoshuaShea, our resident expert on this subject, will stop by and share his thoughts with you.

    Sending you love, light, and hope. <3
  • Thank you for your response! When I intisially found out we went to marriage counseling but also focused heavily on the addiction. He said he would be very honest with me and tell me when he felt urges. So for a while he could call me whenever he even thought about it. The therapist explained that I was his sponsor in some sort of way.
    Well about a year and a half ago I got really sick, like we thought I was dying sick. And I found he was at it again. This time trying to find dirty pictures in articles online since he phone was restricted. I was so upset. I was so sick and he still Managed to do it. He said it was the stress of possibly losing me that pushed him over. During this time we had family come in town to help us with my illness. He told him dad that he had a problem and that it could cost him our marriage. He dad reported that he also struggles with it and told my husband to do whatever it takes to keep this family together. He also told his mom during this time. His dad agreed that he could call him too during difficult times. I was really fooled by all this because I can’t omagine it’s easy telling your family this. He said he was going to change and he had his family’s support and also strted reading the Bible on his phone daily. He would send me tons of quotes from the Bible about overcoming things. It seemed really promising but I always had my doubts. Well last night confirmed my doubts and he claims this just happened again. He said he’s glad he got caught before he got deeper into it.

    You are exactly right, policing him is not what I want to do. It’s exhausting. And my health is finally getting better, im back to work and more functional now. I thought things were finally getting better for us.

    I feel so betrayed because we are best friends. We do everything together and constantly communicate. I was working last night when this happened. I’m a nurse and I work 12 hour shifts. I’m finally back to making money and doing what I love and he does this. We fought so hard to get me back to work and it’s like because I’m not around he has more time to find things.

    I keep trying to tell myself I can’t change him, and that he can’t even change himself and that I should just leave. But it hurts so bad. I’m so torn. I didn’t sleep at all last night while he slept like a baby. I’m so broken.
  • I'm glad to hear your health is finally getting better, @Spouseofaddicted. I'm sure that's a big relief for you.

    Al-Anon and Nar-Anon teach us that we didn't cause our loved one's addiction, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. The same goes for any addiction, including porn.

    Should you leave your husband? Obviously, that's a decision only you can make. I might be inclined to give him one more chance at recovery before doing that. Perhaps if you lay it all on the line for him, it might motivate him to get some serious help. But if you do give him an ultimatum, make sure you are prepared to follow through with it if things don't change.

    I always tell people that their lives matter, too. YOUR life should be the most important one, always (along with your child's life). If the situation you're in is making your life harder and less enjoyable, then you certainly deserve the right to make whatever changes are necessary to make it better. Life is short. We shouldn't have to struggle as a result of someone else's behavior. At least that's my thinking.
  • Hi @Spouseofaddicted
    I went through a lot of what your husband did and I know my wife went through much of what you're probably feeling, but I am proof that with the right mix of counseling, support of family and friends and belief in oneself, this addiction can be conquered.
    @DeanD has already said much of what I would say to you. I would however urge you to head over to my website and specifically check out the Q&A section about halfway down the homepage. Not all of the questions are listed on the homepage, so do a little digging. There are a lot of questions answered for women in your situation:
    https://RecoveringPornAddict.com
  • Thanks for weighing in, @JoshuaShea! Happy Friday and have a great weekend!

    @Spouseofaddicted... How are you doing? I hope you have a wonderful weekend, too!
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