Who do we lie?

I lied to my husband. Over and over. I lied to cover up another lie. I lied about money Just to keep from making him angry or upset. I live with the fear of rejection and abandonment Everyday and it’s definitely not an excuse just the reality. Just wanted to say it out loud. I can’t get better if I don’t get honest.
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  • Welcome to the community, @DMeitrott. I'm glad you found us and reached out. I hope that getting that off your chest is cathartic for you. And you're right: The only way you're going to get better is if you're 100% honest with yourself. So you've taken a big step here today.

    We're here to help, support, and encourage you however we can. If you have questions, want advice, or just need to vent, you can come here anytime. Feel free to share more about your story, too. It's not required, but it can help us understand you and your situation better.

    I'm sending you lots of love and light.
  • @DMeitrott hello and welcome to the forum. i'm glad that you were able to share that with us. i'm sure it does feel good to let that out.

    the thing is, you can change this behavior and i don't think it will be as challenging as you think. one day at a time, start telling truth. i understand not wanting to encounter rejection or conflict of any kind... it stinks. BUT... it is important to be able to learn how to speak our truth. hard at first, but it does get easier....

    and yes, please come here as often as you wish.
  • Thank you for making me feel welcome. I so appreciate that. My husband and I have been together for 24 years. We have 2 awesome kiddos. Money wasn’t an issue until about 8 or 9 years ago. Recently we found outer selves in credit card debt and a huge burden had been lifted. But money is still an issue. I’m a stay at home mom. So I don’t bring home a paycheck. And I guess to be honest never felt like it was my money. I felt like it was just his money. Which created the divide. And then I stated Hiding money and purchases because I knew he would think they were a waste of money. And then I’d love to cover that up. Money has always felt like it would fixed things. but in reality it just made thing wrong. But I am ready to make a change. Time to turn things around. I can’t hurt anyone else.
  • @DMeitrott Are you seeing anybody professionally who can help you unpack all the ins and outs of how you got here -- and how to move forward?
  • @DMeitrott... How are you today? Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you. And I think @JoshuaShea's suggestion to see a professional therapist--if you aren't already--is a great one. Therapy can really help us sort things out. I know, because my therapist pretty much saved my life several years ago when I was going through a very difficult time.

    Sending positive energy in your direction today. :)
  • @DMeitrott hey there. well, super glad you're wanting to make some changes. please know we are here to listen and encourage you along your journey.
  • Thank you all for supporting me. I appreciate it so very much
  • @DMeitrott our pleasure. know that we're here for you anytime!
  • You are very welcome, @DMeitrott! We're always here if you need us! :)
  • Welcome @DMeitrott!!! This is an excellent and supportive group. I’m not a SAHM, but I’m a single mom so money, budgeting and stress is Definately something I can relate to. This is a great group and anything you want or need to discuss is welcome. Sometimes just having a good support group and ideas will help develope the right tools.

    I agree that going to a therapist is also a key point. And perhaps when you’re ready, couples therapy would help to discuss all the the encompassing issues and lies so that you can both heal and move towards a healthier relationship.
  • @AlwaysAlex I think it's two-fold. First, an innate survival strategy. We say what we think we need to say to stay out of trouble and make it to the next day. Of course, the lies are almost always worse than the truth, but I don't think our survival instincts understand it at the time. Second, I think it's a way of self-gaslighting. Like they say in the all the 12-step groups, "We are the stories we tell ourselves." I think part of lying to others is a way to convince ourselves that our lies are true. Deep down, I knew I had a problem, but I always denied it, because admitting it would make it true.
  • "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.” --Mark Twain

    I love that quote. :)
  • @JoshuaShea "self-gaslighting"... wow... very true.
  • @AlwaysAlex i don't have an excellent definition.. this is the first i've really heard of it. i think maybe it could be when we begin seeing our reality as something it's not. like, if you've been gaslighted so many times, you really do start to see the world differently...and your thoughts may line up with that.

    If gaslighting another can cause them to doubt their own perceptions...or reality, i suppose we could do this to ourselves unintentionally...or unconsciously... to induce self-doubt.

  • @AlwaysAlex I hope I just coined a phrase. Trademark! Trademark! You all owe me a dollar every time you use it!

    Over here, gaslighting is the act of an addict (or anyone -- could be an abusive partner, a horrible boss, etc.) where they take the concerns of another and spin it so the person with the concern feels like they must be crazy for having the concern in the first place.

    For instance with my drinking, my wife was somewhat worried, but not worried enough because I lied and manipulated her into thinking that her concerns were well over-blown. I'd never been in trouble with the police, never got sick in public, never did anything embarrassing in public, mostly drank at home alone, etc. I could convince her the problem wasn't there, even though it was. That's gaslighting.

    I see self-gaslighting ($$ cha-ching $$) as basically doing it to yourself. It's convincing yourself something isn't wrong when deep down you know it is. It's saying "I'll be fine in the end" when you know you're headed toward disaster. I think we tell ourselves what we need to believe on the surface to get through the day sometimes. That's what I meant.
  • @JoshuaShea hahahah! you just made my day with your humor :)
  • I love that phrase you coined, @JoshuaShea. And thanks for the explanation, too. But I'm still without a full-time job, so I will not be able to mention the actual phrase that you coined. Hope you understand. Gotta save my $$$! ;)
  • @DMeitrott hey there. just reading through this thread again and wondering how you're doing. if you get a chance, we'd love to hear from you!
  • Yes, @DMeitrott. Check in with us if you have a spare minute or two and let us know how things are in your world.
  • The mind really is a powerful tool! I remember a few years ago when I was quite depressed and struggling, I had unhealthy habits and really hated myself and my life. I spent a lot of time watching positive motivation and self help videos, I really liked Rob Dial, and I do believe it helped reprogram my way of thinking. So I think everyone here is right that self-gaslighting is a real thing. If I can feed myself bs about being a loser and driving myself into self-hate, then an addict can Definately start to believe their own lies.
  • Thanks, @AlwaysAlex. No doubt, gaslighting someone is pretty evil. :disappointed:
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