Boyfriend quit drinking 9 months ago but there are a lot of issues

Hi all. I first met my boyfriend a little over a year ago. I started noticing every time he would drink, he’d drink TOO much. He’d just keep going until he was completely wasted and it could never be casual. We both recognized this was a huge issue and I told him I liked him but couldn’t continue like this. I also was not initially aware that his drinking problem started when he was around 21 until age 29.

He made the decision to go to an Ayuahasca retreat (the retreat where you do DMT under supervision to spark self growth, change your life, etc). I didn’t really know what to think of it. Anyway, he went and decided to stop drinking after that. He hasn’t touched alcohol in 9 months. I’m very proud of him and I thought this would be step in the right direction knowing he tackled this issue early on. Fast forward to present day: In those 9 months, he decided he wanted to focus on his recovery and decided to collect unemployment instead of work, claiming he made more money that way. I didn’t really think it was the best idea but I just agreed it could be okay for the time being considering we don’t live together and I’m not reliant on him to pay bills.

He lives with his parents and they are HUGE enablers. They’ve allowed him to drink without any consequences his whole life. They pay for all his bills and dig him out of every hole he’s put himself in due to drinking. They’ve made it extremely easy for him.

His unemployment ran out about a month ago and he still hasn’t even looked for a job. He just uses money he saved from unemployment. He spends his days waking up, smoking weed, cooking, going to the gym, and watching Netflix.. sometimes he’ll go hang out with a friend for lunch or dinner too. He sees a therapist once a week but that’s really all he does actively in his recovery.

I told him I felt it was absolutely awesome he was able to stay away from alcohol but I’m worried about him not having a job for a year. It seems he’s lost all motivation and just coasts in life. He keeps telling me that I’m trying to force him to do things he’s not ready for since finding his new sober identity. I really do understand he has a new identity but I also think being employed is just a fundamental necessity at 30 years old. He’s not 21 years old, he’s a grown adult. I feel I’ve been extremely patient and supportive but being unemployed and complacent living with your enabling parents at 30 years old just seems extremely stagnant. I don’t know if I’m being too judgmental or expecting too much from him. He keeps telling me he needs to progress on his own time, but in 9 months he’s just acted like a teenager and hasn’t really done much to aid his recovery.

He’s a really wonderful person, and this is wholeheartedly the reason I stuck around for this long. He’s an extremely genuine, loving, and caring person. We have so much fun together.. but I’ve reached a point where I feel he is not fulfilling my need of an employed partner. I’ve tried to be patient and understanding but I know there isn’t much else I can do. He keeps telling me “I’m sorry you feel the way you do but I can’t appease your expectation.” It’s frustrating for me because my only expectation is that I have a partner who is employed and responsible… I just felt it was a “given.” It’s making me resentful because I’m over here working hard and supporting myself and he wakes up every day and smokes weed and rides his motorcycle.

Any thoughts? I know it’s in my best interest to leave. I’m just having a rough time with it.
  • 1 Commentby Likes|Date
  • Hi @AES020690
    I just logged on for the first time in a while and saw this post from a year ago and noticed it had no replies…
    To clarify, this bf is a different man than the other you wrote about who had issues with cocaine?
    Are you still with this man from this post? Not sure if you will see this? I will try to remember to come back on and see if you reply. I hope you do see it and reply with an update.
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