Rebuilding Trust After a Porn Addiction

If you recently discovered your partner or spouse has a porn addiction, you are likely wondering if your relationship can be saved. The answer is yes, if the two of you are willing to work together to save it. There are a few things that both sides needs to do to rebuild trust and to forgive. Here are a few things to do.

The most important thing to do first is to admit to the porn addiction. Once the person admits to the addiction, out loud, then the healing process can begin. The person who does not have the addiction in the relationship needs to be understanding of how difficult of a process this admission really is. Both sides need to listen to each other to rebuild that starting point.

Next, you need to put each other first. It does not matter how much or how little time you have together during any given day. You need to put each person as the first priority. This means that work, household chores, and even your children come in second place. This is necessary to get trust back up again.

Finally, you need to speak with someone to show that you really want to be able to move beyond your addiction. You both need to speak with someone to learn how to properly address the feelings that are now present due to this situation. You can work together and make it through this, but you need to be willing to give it your all to have a shot at success.

Reference

Townsend, M. “Rebuilding Trust After Pornography.” KSL.com (Website). (2010).
  • 9 Commentsby Likes|Date
  • that happend to me once, I've discovred that my little brother (12 yo) is watching porn ! I really felt a strange feeling, I tried to talk to him, he didn't talk to me again because he was so asham, but now we are cool I made him understand that he still too young for this and that this is not a good thing, now he is better :)
  • The jury is still out on whether this is a compulsion or an actual addiction. I imagine the steps for dealing with it would be similar either way. There is some good information about the subject at WebMD.
  • Great points taken.

    Admitting to Porn Addiction is very crucial in rebuilding trust in a relationship as this is the first sign of 'honesty' and honesty and trust are correlated. 

    Once an individual is honest about his/her addiction, then is will be easier thereafter to rebuild trust. 
  • I believe any problem in a relationship can be fixed as long as both partners are willing and determined to save it. It takes two to tango. Both of you should keep an honest heart and an understanding mind if you want to make things work. 
  • I think this is hugely important:

    Next, you need to put each other first. It does not matter how much or how little time you have together during any given day. You need to put each person as the first priority. This means that work, household chores, and even your children come in second place. This is necessary to get trust back up again.

    I know some people who have really been impacted by the use of porn in a relationship and I think that a lot of people feel the same as they would if their spouse cheated when it comes to porn. Putting your spouse first, despite any external obligations would be a good start in rebuilding some faith in the relationship.
  • Team work between you and your spouse and understanding is key in working out your issues when it comes to porn addiction. You need her support and you need the motivation to push through and recover. Things will not be so easy, but if you're armed with these things, I'm sure you both will come out ok.
  • Locked in this struggle, and have been for about a year and a half after discovering my partner is an addict. I had red flags come up for years, and although i didnt exactly ignore them, I didnt want to believe them. In truth the signs were pretty obvious but i always accepted the excuses and the gaslighting and the downright emotional manipulation (ie: "why are you so jealous? Why are you making a problem?")

    It came to a head through a variety of means and mainly me finding messages on his skype. Thing is, most addicts will slip up at some point and will be found.
    I was able to present him absolute evidence and he couldnt lie or make excuses..and the walls came tumbling down.

    One and a half years on we have been trying to make it work. We broke up at one point for about 4 months and he went off the rails lining up women like ducks, which hurt deeply. Im still bitter..and to be honest im no longer sure if i want the relationship at all.

    the best analogy i have is from a meme i saw once. It showed a picture of a repaired cracked plate and says

    "Grab a plate and throw it on the ground.

    -Ok, Done.

    Did it break?

    -Yes.

    Now say sorry to it.

    -Sorry.

    Did it go back to the way it was before?

    -No

    Do you understand?"

    That pretty much sums up how i feel about my relationship now.
  • I think anything can be fixed as long as the people involved are willing to put in the effort and sacrifice necessary to make it work. Sometimes the trust is gone and it's too late to rebuild but in my opinion those cases are that way mostly because the foundation was not strong enough to begin with.
  • Here are some great tips I found for those that have a spouse that are trying to break free from the grip of porn and recover from a porn or sex addiction. I hope you find these helpful.

    1. REMAIN COMPASSIONATE.
    It can be easy to assume that if your partner really loves you and wants to be truly intimate with you, then abstaining from porn would be easy. This is not the case. Research shows that the sexual imagery can have an effect on your brain that is comparable to cocaine. As the partner of someone struggling to let go of porn, it’s crucial that you try to see the other person’s perspective. Understanding the addictive nature will help to cultivate compassion for your love as they quit.

    2. DON’T POLICE THEM.
    It’s not your job to police your partner or be their “avoidance partner.” Nevertheless, I do find it helpful when my wife asks me more generally how I am doing. By showing that she cares and giving me the space to either talk about the struggle or not, I feel safer opening up to her. Reinforce this by letting them know that you appreciate them having told you, and by not being upset with them for having been triggered. What they do after that is up to their own self-control and motivation, but knowing that you are in their corner will help immensely.

    3. STAY INFORMED.
    The movement of people who want to give up porn is growing strong. In Time Magazine’s recent feature, “Porn: Why Young Men who Grew up with Internet Porn Are Becoming Advocates for Turning It Off,” we see that many men (and women) are becoming advocates for quitting porn because they have firsthand experience of the damage that porn does to their brain. Today, there are also a number of support groups, Reddit pages, and other tools at your partner’s disposal. For a website with a ton of great resources for your struggling partner, visit: http://www.mymensgroup.net

    4. BE ACTIVE WITH THEM.
    Their temptation will be at its highest when sitting at home alone, mindlessly searching the Internet, with seemingly nothing better to do. This is similar to leaving an alcoholic alone at a bar. You can’t be with your partner every moment (nor should you), but if you know there are certain days or times where they are accustomed to unproductive downtime, plan intentional and purposeful time with one another.

    5. DON’T ACT AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR PORN.
    Do not alter your own romantic life to act as a substitute for porn. You may be tempted to become a substitute for porn in any physical intimacy you have with your partner. In particular, they may ask you to do something more adventurous, so that they are less tempted to watch porn. The reality is that it would be reinforcing damaging behavior.

    Good luck to you both as you journey down this recovery road. Remember...it's about progress. Not perfection!
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