Breaking up with a Borderline

How does one do this exactly? I've tried over and over to break up with my on-again off-again borderline gf. I calmly, rationally explain we are different people, she is abusive, I am not...it's not going to work out. I wish you well, bye. And next day she's like...wanna come over tonight?

So this time, after some especially troubling, abusive texts and voicemails, even physical violence from her towards me (not the first time), I've had it. I've told her repeatedly we are done. 

Next day: "I'm depressed, I want to kill myself, can't you come over and just hold me?" No response. "You're a selfish asshole" No response...few hours later: "I hope you die", etc. 

The normal, caring, empathetic part of me does still care about her. I've told her look, I think you might have BPD...why don't you at least see a professional or at the very least read up on it. "Fuck you! Are you going to read up on being a Narcissistic self-centered DICK?" So...that's where we are. 

Today is Day 2 no contact (on my side). I do feel a touch saner, even though incoming "I hope one day you're depressed and have nobody to turn to, asshole" texts continue to roll in. I'm going to continue on w/ this because I've told her as long as she's abusive there is no relationship or even friendship. Yet every text there is some form of it. Even last week when I emergency "loaned" her (kiss that goodbye) $100, I apparently parked in some "wrong" area of the parking lot so she couldn't find me. She called to find out where I was, I told her, and the conversation ended with her screaming "motherfucker!" 

Mentally I'm done, but still a really screwed up or enabling part of me is concerned about her. I mean she did have a really screwed up and abusive childhood. 

I also hope she doesn't key my car.

If anyone has any insight or can ply me with more resolve, I'm all ears. I've never been in an abusive relationship before, and I never want to be in one again.
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  • Hi @Falcon, I can relate to your situation and being in a borderline relationship. It's obviously complicated with many variables, and I believe that no two borderlines are exactly alike. I personally am at a point in my life where NO amount of verbal or physical abuse from anyone, regardless of their mental illness, is worth absorbing. It is not healthy for you, and it is not healthy for them. If she is using these tactics to "scare" you into responding, caring, etc., then ultimately she needs a deeper level of care. At some point if you feel like you've done all you can and invested all you have to give, it is necessary for you to focus on your own well being solely. Borderlines (as will addicts) will threaten suicide, play the sympathy card, entice you with the physical/sexual, and resort to horrendous abuse to get their way. But borderline or not, she needs to learn that rationally this is not right. If she isn't willing to get help for her issues then this is also an issue. 

    As an addict and someone who has been in some emotionally turbulent relationships I truly believe that despite our afflictions, addictions and disorders, we CAN learn to sustain healthy relationships if we're willing to do the work. I don't want people to be afraid of getting into relationships with people with "issues" because sometimes these people are the smartest, most interesting, and most compassionate people you'll ever meet. But at the end of the day it's impossible to have a relationship without mutual respect.

    Stay strong, keep your resolve, and you can respond if you feel inclined to her non-abusive messages but at some point you need to make a firm decision about the status of the relationship and just stay the course. In my experience, sometimes these sorts of heartbreaks are a wake up call to the borderline, the depressed one, or the addict...enough to point them in a more healing direction. But the most important thing...to thine own self be true!
  • Hello @Falcon,
    It is common with people who have had a rough childhood; they feel insecure and cannot see the wrong they are doing by abusing their relationship.

    It would be advisable to change your number for a couple of weeks so that you don't get to receive her texts or better yet, get a call blocker to block her texts and calls.

    This type of conversations gives a person an ill feeling and hinders a sensible new relationship. Don't rush into a new relationship but learn to let your ex go, forgive her and start dating someone nicer.

    Wishing you the best.
  • @Falcon hello. i do feel for you. i agree with @Joe and @darkrebelchild

    this is an abusive relationship and as challenging as it might be, it's wise to cut ties....and use the "no contact" rule...she is in need of some professional help and some tough work..inner work....

    i've been in a toxic relationship...broke up, got back, broke up, got back...ugh. it was exhausting on every level...it can become addictive...and a horrible cycle. insecurity and old wounds and fears from childhood was what was underlying my issues...(staying in it as opposed to leaving like i wanted to...)  there is no way i could have healed and grown while in that toxic mess....i had to have a period SINGLE...and sounds like she does too. 

    take some time for you. you have invested in it and clearly it's not working. i'm with joe in that i will never allow verbal or emotional abuse in my life...not even a little. sure, people have some conflict, but i will not tolerate abuse. i'm worthy of respect and so are you...there are ways to manage conflict respectfully and maturely.

    we are here for you...stay strong...don't cave or let her tactics get to you. she is responsible for her and honestly time on her own may help her...

    read up on codependency.... i enjoyed The Human Magnet Syndrome by Ross Rosenburg. He's got some great YouTube videos...Pia Mellody has couple as well. 


  • That's really a tough situation you're in @Falcon. A friend of mine was also in that kind of relationship. The girl is really something else. She not only abused my friend verbally and physically, she also tried to control his life by not letting my friend be in contact with all of his friends while they're still in a relationship. It even came to a point that she invaded his privacy. She found out the the password to his social media accounts and then she spied on all of our friends and read all the private messages. When they finally broke up, the girl sad bad things about him on social media. My friend removed his account and he also changed his phone number. All of us decided to block her on social media because she's spying on us too. She really is the girlfriend from hell. I'm just glad that they're not together anymore.

    Your ex should really seek professional help. I hope that you'll be able to be free from her completely. Remove all ties with her. Change your phone number and block her on social media. If worse comes to worse, if she will keep on bothering you, then I think that you should seek the help of the authorities. Good luck. 
  • @Falcon... The others have offered you up some great advice. I would just say that you are the most important person in your life. The fact is, sometimes it's impossible to take care of ourselves and treat others the way we would like to. In those instances, you have to do what's best for you. Sometimes it hurts. But that's you have to put your own well-being first. 
  • So I finally talked to her, after she left a voicemail sobbing about thinking she's going to get fired at work and she's so sorry about everything and blah blah blah. So I went over there and we had a decent time. Yesterday we had another decent time. Tonight she wanted to come over and I was like...no, not really ready for that. My phone died. When I finally got it working she informed me she's halfway over. I told her no, and to turn around, and to respect my wishes and boundaries. I told her no at least 10 times and she went from super nice and agreeable to her (I'm not a doctor, but I strongly suspect) BPD self in...30 seconds? Abuse back on full throttle. 

    You see, she didn't want to be alone. That trumps whatever in the hell I want. And she was super nice and charming...until being told no. Hopefully this can be a lesson to someone.
  • It's hard to deal with psychologically or behaviorally challenged people because you'd always have to be the one with more patience, more understanding, and more kindness. Failing to do so would put you in a bad light. From the outset, the relationship was already imbalanced and if you're not sure what you're getting into, you'd want to bail out rather than see it through to the end out of genuine love for the person.

    If it's hard for you, then just settle for friendship. Help her get help since she's not fully capable of making rational decisions. Talk to her parents and relatives. If you still care for her, at least encourage her to seek professional help and should she agree, support her while she goes through recovery.
  • You've gotten great advice from the others already. I just want to echo the opinion that you have to take care of yourself first. Yes you can care about the person but you have to ultimately care about you more in this situation. Like xTinx suggested, talk with her about seeking out help. Or you may just need to cut all ties from her for awhile. That may be the best in the situation. I wish you the best of luck and encourage you to stay strong!
  • @Falcon... Thinking of you today. Hope things are going alright. Let us know when you get a chance. We're here for you.
  • Everyone's advice is awesome the only thing I can think to add is No contact means no contact. So you can change your number or block her. Get a restraining order if you are worried about her messing with your car and press charges if she persists. No half way measures
  • Wow, I'm sorry to hear about your story, I really hope that you're doing better now. I have been into just one abusive relationship before and I think that the best thing that I could have done is to leave the guy. No matter how much I still loved him or cared about him, I needed to make sure that I was in a good place, emotionally and mentally, and I wasn't. I understand that being with someone who is borderline can be a little bit harder but I think that you need to focus on yourself and on your well being first. 
  • Dealing with someone who has borderline personality disorder is really exhausting. Trust me, I know. I've had relationships with one or two people who have it. It's just a constant struggle. They can be really good people at times, but when things aren't perfect they tend to lash out. The constant conflict and abuse was just too much for me to put up with ultimately. 
  • Hi everyone,

    I've been in a relationship with a BPD girl for the past 3 years and she actually just broke up with me a few weeks ago. We've had a very high-low relationship as you all know BPD can bring. I've been asking for breaks throughout our time together to which she always said, "I'm not ready for a break" etc. so we just pushed forward. I've always held myself back from fully giving myself to her because I was too afraid what her already volatile emotions would be like if we were a serious relationship. So one day she just disappeared for a whole weekend without telling me what/where she went. I was worried and after 2 days she said she just had an epiphany that she needs more and she wants a break. I was really considering maybe I should give more and offer myself to her completely. However she dropped a small hint that she had found someone and she wants to explore this further. One day to the next her loving/admiring self (that I was used to) was no long loving but resentful and hateful. She made sure to keep texting and calling me only to make me feel like sh*t and how this was all my fault anyway, but she has now moved on and I'm no longer wanted. Our entire relationship was about her emotions, I never did enough, she was always hurt by something or someone and I needed to come and make her feel better. Her abusive behavior didn't manifest itself often but when it did it was hostile. Mainly her emotional status when the BPD was showing was with inconsolable crying and complete breakdowns, which was on and off every other week or so. Now that she no longer wants anything to do with me (which funny enough I have been wanting and secretly wishing for) all I want is for her to come back to me. Knowing that she moved on so quickly also makes this entire situation much more painful. I'd love to hear from those who have been in similar situations and what's your best advice for someone who feels completely tormented by all this. I feel addicted to her and can't think about anyone else but her even though I know deep down we had such a toxic relationship. Thanks everyone for reading.
  • @lostandconfused18 Hello there. Welcome to The Forum. I'm sorry that you had to endure this toxic relationship and now you're left feeling abandoned. I think relationships are a great Avenue to learn valuable lessons about ourselves, and work on healing some things in our lives that need tended to.

    I have certainly been in similar shoes, as I was in a toxic relationship that I wanted out of, but was so afraid to cut ties. As if being single was the most horrible thing in the world! I was addicted to the person, and at the time wasn't all that aware of what was really going on. But I started learning about codependency recovery, and busted my butt on that path in order to tend to my own wounds so that I could become strong enough to cut ties and get myself together. I had given my power away and my moods rested on my partner's moods or the amount of attention I was getting. Not fun.

    There's a really good book that I read that help me called The human magnet syndrome by Ross Rosenberg. He's got some great YouTube videos as well. I think you will value from taking a look at his work. I know you did not want to be in that toxic relationship and consciously you really don't now, but unconsciously you're probably dealing with some old Wounds or past Trauma from childhood or something. Sometimes a season of therapy can help you figure out why you attracted this type of relationship and if you're not careful, you may end up in the same type of Dynamics in the next one if you don't I "do the inner work" in between relationships. That's just my opinion and from what I've observed from other people.

    Try not to spend a lot of time pointing fingers or trying to figure out why she's done what she's done. You may never know or get the answers to that. Work on yourself, nurture yourself, allow yourself some time to heal and grow in the areas where you may need some growth. Learn about setting boundaries for yourself and in relationships, think about what it is you really do want in a relationship, what are you willing to give? What are you willing to receive? What are your deal breakers?

    I hope this help somehow and I hope to keep seeing you around. I know you're feeling confused and perhaps hurt right now, but I assure you that this can be a great opportunity for you in your life to heal and grow and then go on to create more of the kind of life and relationship that you truly desire and deserve.
  • @dominica thank you for the kind words, reading this helps and will help moving forward. I'm just trying to cope with the mind games and going through this over and over in my head for now, but hopefully this will subside. She keeps texting "making sure I'm ok" which is such a joke.
    I agree with you on working on myself right now and getting to a better mindset. Thanks for the read suggestions I will definitely check them out. I will keep checking and posting throughout, I believe sharing this heartache helps and reading how everyone else experienced something similar is also therapeutic knowing it's not just me. Thank you again!
  • @lostandconfused18 You're quite welcome! We're happy to be here for you and look forward to sharing your journey with you.
  • @lostandconfused18... Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Take good care of yourself, because YOU are the most important person in your life...always!
  • You rock @DeanD thank you for your support. It's very hard to understand and analyze the non-rationality of it all. I've read somewhere that being in a relationship with a BPD is like being in a hit-and-run accident, totally true. As everyone says, this will take time, which I can't wait for to end. Thank you for everyone's kind words.
  • @Falcon Hello. Sorry to hear about the difficulties you're having with your girlfriend. I know just the type of relationship you are in. So I am going to tell you point blank. First you said you told her you were DONE. Then she started texting you, making you feel bad, becoming verbally abusive, threatening, whining, whatever. So what did you do? You spent time with her AGAIN. So the message you gave her was you weren't really done. You let her know if she does and says the right things or is persistent enough, you will come back around. You need to be the one to decide if you want to be in a relationship with her or NOT. Saying you are done but then being with her again doesn't help either of you. People like her will say and do whatever it takes to pull you back into the relationship. They will manipulate in any way possible. If you truly want out of the relationship you have to tell her you are not coming back no matter what she says, then block her number and stop contact. Only then will she be able to start healing and move on. It probably won't be easy because it may take a while for her to realize you are serious since she was able to pull you back in previously. Good luck
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