Back Again

Hello all ,
I've been gone for a while , and I'm ashamed to say , that my time of absence was not all filled with glorious stories of recovery . I stayed sober for a while , but have come to realize that communication with others is critical . My time of relapse was full of self-loathing and secrecy .
So , I'm back again , and look to you all for support , ideas , and encouragement .
  • 8 Commentsby Likes|Date
  • Good evening @TWSJ! Welcome back. I am sure you wish it was under other circumstances, but don't be too hard on yourself. Relapses are part of the battle required to slay the monster of addiction. If it were easy, there wouldn't be places like this filled with people just like us.

    First off, you CAN do it. It CAN be done. I beat my monster of addiction over 5 years ago, so you can too. It might not be easy. It might take a lot of work, but you can do it. We are only ever truly lost if we give up on ourselves.

    Second, it is great that you recognized that you need communication. Recognizing what YOU need is key to armoring yourself up to beat your monster. Everyone is different, so 12 steps might not be your answer. It wasn't for me. Find what works for you, and stick to it. Don't feel bad if something fails and you relapse. Learn from it, and try something else.

    Don't hate yourself either. If you are an addict, that means you aren't in control. You aren't calling the shots. The monster is. Hating yourself doesn't get you anywhere. What worked for me was realizing I wasn't in control, and focusing the hatred and loathing on that fact. I wanted to be in control of my life, not cede command to the addiction.

    Finally, focus on what you are trying to accomplish. You are trying to get YOUR life back. In your moments of doubt, fall back on the promise of what you will be on the other side of the addiction. How much better you will feel physically and mentally. There will be a huge boost in knowing that you are back in control of your life. You might not believe me now, but it will be there. Along the way, celebrate your successes, be it here, or with friends and family, or just a quiet nod of triumph to yourself.
  • @TWSJ hey there! welcome back! i'm glad you are here!  

    keeping in touch with others is important in recovery! know that we are always here for support and accountability...

    dust yourself off and start again :)  take some time to read around...and share if you feel led.

    totally believe in you!
  • Thanks . Been reading around for a few days , trying screw up the guts to admit my transgression . Good to be back .
    Thank you as well . Just trying to get my feet under me again . I'll be checking in quite a bit . It kept me honest before . Just hate starting over .
  • @TWSJ... Welcome back, my friend. 

    Remember: You're a human being and that means you are far from perfect, so don't ever feel bad about slipping up. Just pick yourself up and do your best to get back on track, which is what you're doing by coming here. So kudos to you!

    We're here for you anytime you need us. Communication with others is pretty important when you're working on recovery. Support from people who know what you're going through can make a huge difference. Please know that you can find that support here.

    Sending you lots of positive, sober vibes along with boatloads of encouragement and hope.

    You can do this. I know you can.
  • @twsj, I know it is tough starting over. I went from 4 months to 0 and felt bad about it before the apathy took over. I also spent a little time cycling between 2 weeks and 0. I got so frustrated, and change seemed so impossible, that I just gave up for a long time and let the addiction run wild.

    One of the things that helped me and gave me some perspective was learning the power of words. It might seem like just semantics, but it might help. It might also help you not beat yourself up so much.

    First off, you gave in to DOUBT. It wasn't weakness, or willpower that failed, it was doubt. You doubted your decision to stay sober. You doubted the benefits of your decision. Once in that frame of reference, you then need to arm yourself with more knowledge about yourself, more conviction that you are doing what is right. Which is, I think, a little easier than conjuring an intangible aspect like more willpower.

    There are aren't "failures", "screw-ups" or "letting yourself downs". There are "data points", "learning opportunities", "areas for growth" ect.

    Finally, and most important, what are you trying to do? You are "GAINING YOUR FREEDOM" in the long term, and you are doing that by "stopping drinking". You aren't trying to "quit" or "give up" drinking. Quitting has a negative connotation. As a Type A dude who has literally been trained to never quit, I fought myself over the concept of "quitting", even though it was the right thing to do. "Giving up" is even worse. It implies that you are making some kind of sacrifice. One "gives up" chocolate for Lent, or "gives up" going to the movies to save money. One "gives up" something they like and enjoy and gives them pleasure in order to reach another, more important goal. Alcohol has no health or wellness benefits, and it sounds like you no longer take pleasure in it, so there is nothing to "give up"! You've made the decision to stop. Stop the madness. Stop the pain. Stop the damage, destruction, loss, regret, and everything else. Stop the drinking, to earn your freedom.

    Maybe this helps a little?

    Keep the faith!
  • @TWSJ no one likes to start over... it's humbling for sure. but it can also be the springboard for an amazing recovery...life lessons learned along the way.

    we're all facing some sort of pain...(ok, maybe not all, but most)

    and reaching for something to numb out can be tempting...but we're not going to!! dammit....we're just not.  it makes it worse.

    glad you'll be hanging with us here at recovery.org. we've missed you!
  • Welcome @TWSJ I missed you while you were gone. You know what dude? It takes what it takes. The self loathing is no stranger to me. I have struggled for years. I am at a year off of Norco. feeling good. I stay3d in the gambling trap for some time. I am at 41 days today. I lost thousands of dollars of money not even mine. Yikes. Keep your chin up. It is all good. At least you made it back. Thats wht counts. Nice to see you my fishing brother. 
  • All ,
    The lesson I've learned is not to rely on myself . The relapse occurred primarily because I tried to step out and just live . Fine for a while , then one day when all alone , a six pack of bud light , followed by another , then another . I broke the rule of "1 is too many and 20 ain't enough ". And all done under the shadow of secrecy . Not even drinking in front of former drinking buddies .
    So , I've learned I have to keep the communication with like minded folks , or my mind will lead me astray left to it's own devices .
    So I humbly return . And am really happy and proud to see my Fishing Buddy @Tommy is still kicking ass ! By the way , I was up in Clarkesville 3 weeks ago catching some Rainbows on the Soque ! 65 degrees in January Tommy !
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