Abuse after infidelity

My husband and I have been seeing a marriage counselor following many problems we've had. To paint a picture he has terrible addiction issues with benzodiazepines and alcohol, especially together. I have damaged and possibly destroyed our marriage (love addiction). I've been 100 percent honest with him, and this has been hard for both of us. Since he discovered my infidelity he has been extremely verbally and emotionally abusovr especially when drinking. Last night he had about 21 or 22 beers (bottle beer, not light beer either) and he got very abusive. I couldn't get away from him he even followed me to the bathroom and grabbed me while I was using the toilet. I locked myself and daughter in my daughter's room and he kicked the door down and came at me (while my daughter was laying next to me, choked me and pushed me back into the wall. I had so much adrenaline, it didn't hurt but it terrified me.. he says he won't do it again and said he'll take that stuff that makes him sick if he drinks.. our daughter is 2 and is now saying daddy broke my door and hit mommy....
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  • I understand you feel you have done some things to provoke your husband . But it sounds as if he has become a physical threat . That's a bad situation for you to live in , and even worse for your daughter . 2 year olds say exactly whet they are thinking , and memories do exist at that age .
    I will pray for your entire family to find some way to overcome this crisis , and find a healthy healing process .
    I wish I could give you the answers . I'm an alcoholic , but was never violent . Though I have regretted my behavior in front of my children , and things I've said to my wife as well .
    Just try to keep the child insulated from the repair process you and your husband are dealing with .A child's innocence as it's special gift that can only last for so long .

  • It's so frustrating .. He is not that person when he's sober.. when he isn't drinking we have the same goal, which is to put In whatever work we can to heal and rebuild our marriage. Everytime he starts drinking I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and it's always only a matter of time before he gets to the point where he snaps. He is very very very seldomly able to only have a beer or 2 and stop. Last week for example, we met his dad for lunch before taking our daughter to see the Easter Bunny at the mall.... He asked before we went if it was okay if he had a beer at lunch . I said fine of course because it's not my place to say "no, you can't " . Being controlling doesn't help anything so I just asked that he stick to beer and not go overboard.. in the middle of lunch he had to "use the restroom" and after lunch and his 2 beers I noticed that he was definitely quite intoxicated, eventually he admitted when he said he was using the restroom he snuck to the bar at the restraunt and had a double whiskey shot.. When we got home he noticed that the shorts he bought that day still had the ink tag on them. The store was closed so he called the customer service line (call center) and was extremely abusive to the people he was speaking with (Later he said he was trying to get a free pair of shorts out of it..) when he got off the phone I said "that was not very nice.." and explained that I've worked in customer service and find it very upsetting that he had to be so cruel to a total stranger over the phone just to try to get a free pair of shorts ..I am strongly against it when people are so rude to people in customer service especially if they didn't do anything wrong. Anyway it really upset me because it's like he's a completely different person when he drinks. He's not cruel or unkind, quite the opposite.. the things he says to me, the names he calls me when he's drunk are insane... all of this verbal/emotional abuse began before the infidelity .. he had quit the benzos and for awhile things were a lot better till about this Fall, then they got bad and things have just snow balled.. Today he says he will quit drinking and I hope and pray that he follows through .. I'm sure he intends to but he's said if before it usually just takes one day of him feeling stressed , having a drink, then not being able to stop drinking ..
  • @Kels2017  i'm sorry you are going through this. i know you and him have had your stuff and it's great that you're in counseling. 

    this is just speaking for me.... if i were in your shoes, even if he was a saint when sober, i'd take my little girl and move out instantly. no discussion. nothing. no one ever deserves abuse. that's not ok, regardless of what has been done. just my two cents. he needs help and you both most likely need a period of time apart...but take it up with your counselor... but abuse is traumatic for you and your child. keep yourself and her safe, even if it's challenging. 

    check this link out for domestic violence...you can call for free and chat online for assistance. you may say he's fine sober, but what if he loses it drunk and does something really insane???  be safe honey.

  • Speaking fro my personal experience with alcohol , and not knowing your husband's situation , I can't just have 1 or 2 beers . 1 or 2 quickly becomes 18-24 . And then re-starts the cycle of everyday drinking to chase away misery , and physical ailments . IE. , the alcohol makes me physically ill , and the only way to feel better is to drink a couple beers . After I've had just enough to feel "Normal" the mind says , "Well , you already done it now , have a few more and quit tomorrow ". And then I'm trapped in a vicious cycle until I'm willing to go through 2-3 days of physical torment to break the cycle .
    Now I told you earlier I'm not a violent drunk . But when I'm drunk , my thoughts get so focused on One thing that I can't let got of it . So I can either get "Hyper Happy " or " Dark and Moody " . I've never been faced with infidelity , but I can't think that it would be something I would handle well . If alcohol is affecting your husband's thought process similar to how it affects me , he is going to struggle mightily to let go of the infidelity until he quits drinking .
    But @Dominica has really said the most important thing . What if he loses it while drunk ? Despite whatever guilt you feel about the infidelity , you owe it to the child to keep both you and her safe . 
  • It's so hard.. I love him soooo much and right now I'm in school even if I did want to get out the only place I'd have to go is states away .. He agrees he'll take that medication that makes you sick if you drink on it.. Praying that will help. If the violence happens again we will get out one way or another because I can't have my daughter see that. I do feel incredibly guilty that he has these intrusive thoughts but he shouldn't be doing what he does and using all that to justify it. Really praying things get better ..
  • @Kels2017 i hope you hold true to what you say about it happening again and him taking that medication and getting individual counseling. both of you... not drinking doesn't change what he's stuffed way down deep for years.... there are plenty of "dry drunks" living in misery and taking others to misery with them.

    i know i'm blunt, and i've not much tolerance for it. i'm sure he is a good man...every soul is good. but not everyone is willing to do the hard ass work it takes to heal....and grow...and learn new coping skills or navigate life sober. it's the person who won't "work" that i have firm boundaries with. meaning, i'm not afraid to call them out on their crap...not judging, but bringing things to light that need to.

    my hope is that you both can come to a place in yourselves of self-love and self-care. commit to a new path with unconditional love and humility as your primary focus...or God or Jesus or whatever HP you believe in.  

  • @Dominica, yes I will. If that happens again I'll leave cuz I don't want my daughter to see that. She had to see him break down the door and choke me and threaten to kill me. That is bad and I can't ignore it.. nervous to bring it up in marriage counseling because he says we gang up on him... Anyways thanks for the encouraging words.<3
  • Once again I agree with @Dominica 100% . And in your earlier posts you touched on him using your transgressions to justify his own . I've played that game , and it isn't right .
    Also , is it possible that his drinking and benzo use pushed you towards infidelity ? Not that it was justified . Tit for tat is an ugly game with no winners .
    I believe in the HP . So I'm going o pray for you guys !  
  • @Kels2017 i'm sure it will be tough to bring it up in counseling, but i think you must... bring it to the light... it's the safest place to bring it up and maybe he needs to be "ganged up" on, honestly. a grown man who abuses his wife needs to be held accountable. i know you love him and i love him as a brother in Christ... but he needs help. i pray that the conversation will be surrounded with grace, humility, forgiveness. and unconditional love. 
  • I have issues with intimacy that I'm trying to heal from, his benzo and alcohol def put me through hell at the time but I don't blame him for what I did. Sure, it def put me in a very negative mind space and I resented him but I could have not done that. Wish I hadn't but I can't change it now. We need to find a way to help him deal with his anger in a healthy way and not drink. We just had a talk. I said his not drinking means not at all no matter what the reasons (he has a lot sometimes, someone's bday, family get together etc..) Praying that he will stay true to his word and stay sober .. *fingers crossed*
  • Also I should add it's not normal for him to be physically abusive, definitely verbally and emotionally but not physically. I don't think that he was trying to hurt me as much as scare me.. and it definitely worked..
  • I echo everything @dominica said. 

    I will keep you and your daughter in my thoughts and prayers, @Kels2017. And I will pray for your husband, too. I hope things get better. Your husband really needs to get himself some professional help. If he doesn't, I fear things will continue like they are...and that's not a good thing for anyone--especially your daughter.
  • He's having a friend over today who is still drunk from last night and this guy has been a bad infuence on him .. he also has been extremely disrespectful to me in my house calling me a whore etc.. I told Chris if he does it today he has to leave . I'm extremely anxious... Anytime I get worried and ask him "please do not let him convince you to drink , he gets mad and defensive and turns it on me saying I'm why he does it .. Pretty stressed out .. he did agree not to drink though ..
  • @Kels2017... I'm sorry. It's terrible that a friend of your husband's would say things like that to you. That is just plain rude. IMO, you have every right to not want to have that "friend" in your home. I would also hope your husband wouldn't want to have such a person over. But I guess that's not the case.

    Sending you hugs, my dear.
  • I don't think your husband , in his current mindset , is going to benefit from his drunk friend calling you a whore . If one of my friends called my wife a whore , he would find himself in a hospital with one less friend .

    That's not the type of negative influence your husband needs when both of you are trying to heal a relationship .

    I'm joining the @DeanD hug train for you . Be safe .
  • He decided to have a celebratory beer because he got a really good new job, despite my disapproval(of the beer). Now he's being angry and mean and rubbing my nose in everything that happened with his friend here. I texted my mom to ask if my daughter and I can come over..
  • @Kels2017... Maybe you and your daughter should hang at your mom's place for a few days. The thought of the two of you being around the toxicity of your husband in his current state is scary to me. Neither one of you deserves that. You are worthy of love and respect.
  • My 2 cents is for you to be able to prioritize your daughters well being and your own, which is impossible to achieve being around someone who is out of control, being around violence (physical or verbal) is not going to
    stop, and he has already crossed the line. If he is sincere about getting help, than that's on him to do that. You are putting both you and your daughter in a situation that you truly do not want to regret with the chaos that is going on. I agree 100% with Dominica, safety and proceed with getting the help you need to understand what you need to be doing to
    ensure that for yourself and child. Your counselor isn't going to be able
    to give you the support you need if you are not honest with them. They need to know what you are dealing with so they can help with the best
    possible solution before things possibly get to no return. It only takes a
    second to get to a life threatening/no return moment.
  • My parents are not being very supportive...I really feel like I have nobody to turn to.. called a friend who's had this happen to her and she said to come over, Chris was very unhappy that I called her.. he went from saying he's filing for divorce tomorrow to wanting to work it out I think just because he doesn't want anybody to know that he did that..I honestly feel so stuck.. I want to be with him, I love him and we have a family .. I can't take the emotional and verbal abuse and def won't tolerate physical abuse anymore either .. he just goes on about how I hurt him, destroyed him etc and he can't control his anger when he drinks but he should be allowed a celebratory drink and I said after the other night that just isn't okay with me.. he says me saying no is being controlling.. I really don't know what to do
  • What if the celebratory beers ends up being more than 1 ? I know I can't stop at 1 . Hell , I can't stop at 12 . Going to a friends house is fine for an hour or so , but that sounds like an hour or 2 for him to get drunker and angrier . I think we are is less worried about your husband's addiction and more worried about your safety . Do your parents understand the severity of what you are dealing with ? Surely they don't want their grandchild exposed to that .
  • I'm afraid to tell my parents all of what's goIng on, I'm afraid if I do they'll hate him and I do want things to work out.. I told him i won't tolerate the verbal abuse anymore.. and I'm pretty sure I know that's not going to stop.. he's been gone for awhile now so I'm pretty sure he probably is drinking more. If he gets home and he's been drinking I am leaving and going to my parents I told my mom I might have to I just didn't say why exactly..
  • @Kels2017 i'm sorry you are struggling so much. i imagine your mind is racing... :/  it seems as if it's headed in a direction that isn't good for either of you. did ya'll go to the counselor yet?

    what's the harm in taking a "separation" for a while? be up front with your parents. if you were my daughter, i'd want to know. i'd want to be there for you and support you emotionally through it. you matter. what you want matters, and you've suffered enough for your affair. really. for him to keep bringing that up is awful. if he can't let it go, then he needs to go.

    i encourage people to talk about elephants in the room and stop sweeping things under the carpet. the truth eventually comes out...and if it doesn't, it robs people of peace... and sometimes it really screws up kids... two years old.. she is worthy to have a stable environment. do what you can to provide that for her....

    i know you want your marriage to work. unless you can detach from him in a healthy way....and not let anything he does or says affect you...then it's rough...to think it will last. 

    hope you are doing alright now... stay in touch.

  • I'm at my parents. He begged me not to go then begged my mom to let him come over too and "talk it out" . She said no then apparently he posted a huge post to fb putting every detail of what I did out for the public.. I just don't understand.. I messed up (cheated on him) but I'm a good mom and I'm doing everything I can to right my wrong and get help for my self esteem issues. He doesn't have any interest in seeking help for his benzo and alcohol addiction. I should have called the police the other night and filed a police report. Now I have no real evidence of what he did..And he texted my mom a bunch of mean stuff and said he's taking me to court, I'm assuming for custody ? I'm so afraid that he's going to somehow get custody of her cuz I was unfaithful.. while he's a drug addict and alcoholic ..
  • So frustrated/confused/hurt. After my husband posted his long diatribe on what I did on Facebook my family was calling my parents saying how embarrassed of me they are etc. His goal was humiliate me and he did, along with my entire family apparently...He threatened me when I said I was leaving the house that he would tell my whole family every detail of what I did (cheated on him) and instead I guess he chose to post it to Facebook and tag my family in it. He said if I would have let him "come with" to my parents to talk that he wouldn't have done it...He texted me mean and cruel things while I was over there and I just kept saying "Why are you being so MEAN???" The only thing that happened is I left when he was drinking and he said he took half a klonopin. I didn't want things to escalate the way they often do so I did what I thought was best by leaving. Called our counselor this morning to try to get in....I love him so much, I wish I knew what to do. At this point I feel like he just wants to continue "venting" his anger at me since I'm what caused his pain. From what I have been reading the verbal/emotion degrading stuff he's been spewing at me is abuse. The public shaming and humiliation definitely is...
  • @Kels2017... I'm sorry your husband shamed you like that. I'm not an expert on relationships, but I don't think I'd want to stay with someone who did that to me. You said yourself: "I told him I won't tolerate the verbal abuse anymore...and I'm pretty sure I know that's not going to stop." That sentence reminded me of Albert Einstein's definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If you don't think it's going to change, then maybe it's time to take care of yourself and your daughter. The two of you should be your number one priority.

    I'm just an old guy who's been married almost 30 years, so I'm not exactly a go-to person for relationship advice. But I will share with you this lovely quote from my favorite author, Anne Lamott:

    "A good marriage is where both people feel like they're getting the better end of the deal."

    I think that makes a lot of sense. So you have to ask yourself: Do you feel like your getting the better end of the deal? 

    I'm sending you as much love and positive energy as I legally can. And big hugs, because you deserve them. Remember: You are worthy of love and respect! Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise!
  • Much like Dean , I've been married a long time . 21 years . I can't say that I would have tolerated infidelity . But if I chose not to tolerate it , either her or I would be gone . Him trying to keep you around so he can be abusive to you isn't going to help anyone . Particularly your DAUGHTER !
    You've acknowledged your mistake . You've apologized for your mistake . You seem genuinely remorseful about you mistake . If he chooses not to forgive you ,then you've got to move on .
    Everyone hear has done things we regret . But we can't spend the rest of our lives in misery . Every time someone comes here and confesses a relapse , myself included , @DeanD says "It's not perfection , it's progress " . He's right . And your situation is no different than me saying I relapsed . We both regret what we did , but we can't just lay there and not try to fix the problem .
    Your safety , and emotional stability are crucial to you and your daughter . And your husband does not sound like a very safe man right now .
    I truly feel for you .
  • @Dean My accusing him of being abusive isn't helping anything.. I have an appt with my psychiatrist at noon hopefully it will help.... I DO want to do what's best for my daughter.. he's threatening me to try to get custody of her. I told him that it's not good for her to be around his drinking and he said that "once my daughter is old enough to see what a whore her mom is she'll be more damaged than being around his drinking " .. I'm sure she's already repeat that she's got great language and he calls me a whore etc in front of her all the time ... My parents aren't being very supportive like saying I can stay with them they want me to kick HIM out.. but that just won't happen.. I can tell this is going to get ugly and I'm scared
  • My wife use the work at DFACS . Including with CPS ( Child protective services ) . I assure you , they will respond much quicker to a child being in an environment with a drug addict , than a woman having an affair  . Not that you want to have to take it to that degree .
  • @Kels2107  thank you for sharing... you may feel you have no support over there where you live, but we are fully supportive of you...and we want the best for you and your daughter. 

    so glad you are seeing your counselor... take notes :)

    i'm sorry he shamed you. i agree with @deand. i would not want to be with someone who did that. yes, he's angry and hurt...doesn't mean he has to act a fool and retaliate. 

    do you think for now you can uphold the "no contact" rule? laying a firm boundary with him...unless ya'll are communicating as to time he can see his daughter, you are not going to engage with him. no responding to ugly texts. nothing. no facebook posts... nothing. it's so easy to get into word wars....but if you can really make a commitment to pulling out from that...it can help... i have had to do this before. it's hard...but i know for me, if i feel i've nothing to apologize over...or they are just being mean, i have no obligation to respond. no defending yourself. be secure in the fact that you are a good mom. you are a good woman...and you are doing your best today.... stand on this...and know that you don't have to engage.

    let us know how counseling goes. give mom and dad a chance to process all of this...if you have to, let them know how they can best support you... (like not tell you what to do, just love you unconditionally...)

    we are here!
  • I don't have a Facebook anymore as after the whole infidelity thing I deleted it to give Chris a piece of mind and because frankly a lot of his family and friends were bullying me. I am not one to publicly do that to somebody even in self defense. My family is super weird about public forums like Facebook and personal business and I respect that and agree with them. I asked him not to do the Facebook thing before (this isn't the first time he's done that, he did right when he found out too), and he agreed to not do it again. 
    The Facebook thing happened because he said if I left yesterday he would tell my whole family what I did. So basically he got back at me for leaving him when he was drinking. I didn't leave him leave him but left with our daughter until he was sober. I hope seeing the counselor helps and that he's got good advice! Thanks for the love and support guys! @Dominica @DeanD @TWSJ.
  • We are here for you anytime, @Kels2017. We care.
  • @Kels2017  give Al-anon a try. helped me a lot...and i was shy too... but people were warm and very kind..which helps! :) 
  • Anytime, @Kels2017. You can lean on us whenever you need to. 

    Sending you tons more positive energy, love, and hope. :)
  • @Kels2017 thinking of you today!! hope you are doing alright.
  • I was married to an alcoholic for 10 years.  I wish he would have asked me if "it is okay to have a beer?"  I would have said "no way because you are an alcoholic!" When he came out of rehab and found the whiskey bottle he threw in the snowbank and picked up where he left off....  Needless to say by stating your "no tolerance" for his drinking gives you the right to no longer be an enabler.  It is tough but spending 10 years trying to make things better and realizing they didn't, I feel like I lost those years and can never take them back.  My children were 2 and 8 when I left.  My son is scarred and my daughter is somewhat of an enabler for him now at 29 yrs old. He drinks only a couple tall boys a day but that can change to whiskey in a moment. Prayer and Jesus helped but his choices really affected our lives.  My son is 23 and let go his dreams of having a real caring dad, his dad is incapable of real change it seems. Jay is now homeless now but has learned how to manage his lifestyle!
  • @bjessicaj ;Hello and welcome to the Forum. Thank you for sharing. I imagine it was very challenging living with an alcoholic for 10 years. And I know as a mother how it hurts your heart that your children have suffered because of it. As hard as it was to leave, you know you had to in order to have your own peace of mind and stable life. 

    I'm also glad that you found some hope in your faith in God. I know it is challenging for the children, but many adult children of Alcoholics have gone on to live peaceful lives. But it may require them to reach out for some help at some point to contend with some of the feelings that they have or coping skills that they picked up when they were young. Heck even children that don't grow up in a home where there's alcoholism have issues to contend with.

    I hope that you're doing better these days and I pray that you and your children find peace and Hope that can only come from a higher power. Sending big cyber hug your way .
  • I'm not going to defend your husband , or myself . Your words will sit with me for some time . I can only pray that you and your children find some peace some day .

  • @Kels2017 Just the other day, I was in the midst of much of the same drama that you're experiencing and I thought to myself..."I know there's someone out there, somewhere who's going though this crap too! It can't be just me!"

     My husband is addicted to heroin and alcohol and after more than a year of dealing with the emotional abuse, physical abuse, lying and manipulation -- I had an affair. Early on, I would find paraphernalia or sketchy text messages from dealers and when I confronted him about it he would lie, lie, lie, lie, lie. Back then, I started to feel a huge dip in the emotional connection and intimacy department but we still had an active sex life -- I just wasn't into it and he knew it.   We were travelling in February when the "ish" hit the fan.  I caught him smoking H in our hotel, I didn't see it but I could smell it and I found a hollowed out pen. I was so overwhelmed with terror that I finally saw the situation for what it was.  Later that day, he left the hotel room and I messaged a guy that I had some history with on facebook.  I can admit that I was initially reaching out to him for three reasons 1) emotional support 2) low-self esteem and the desire to be attractive to someone who wasn't always loaded 3) this guy made me forget my agony especially the feeling that our 7 year marriage and our great life was over
      My husband was actually going through withdrawals after an intervention I arranged with his parents after the trip when he discovered the affair.  That morning, he beat me up, choked me and tried to hang himself in our bedroom, in front of me and our two kids ages 7 and 3.  I called 911 and he was committed to a psych unit for a few days, but as a functioning addict -- he completely fooled the Drs, nurses and social workers. He kept calling, urging me to tell the Drs that I had lied about his suicide attempt because I/he was upset about the affair and he needed to get back so he could "get back to work".  He relapsed immediately upon release and blamed me for the relapse because he "couldn't handle the heartbreak that I caused him"  and he has been terrorizing me day in and day out ever since (a lot of situations similar to the one in your bathroom).  I have apologized profusely, prayed, cried, we have gone to counseling but no matter how bad I feel or how sorry I am he is still convinced that I "am not really sorry, I don't care about him" etc. and he also accuses me of continuing the affair.  Unfortunately, he had a lot of proof about what I did which lasted about two weeks and checked into every detail with a fine tooth comb. Throughout his addiction and prior to my affair, I was a wonderful wife to him.  I would take his moodiness, yelling, fussing, in stride all while bending over backwards to make him happy in every way that I could.  

    His parents know but noone else in his family does and he has four siblings and a very large extended family.  But my family knows everything because I broke down after his suicide attempt and confided in my family because of the guilt and stress -- but the fact that my family knows about his problem too makes him very angry.  On the other hand, his parents are very judgmental of me because of the cheating and his mother actually told me that she was disappointed in me not being a good wife to him in his time of need. 

    I decided to leave for about a week last month and he begged me to come back, but i told him I wouldn't without a plan so he went to see a dr for bupenorphine which he was prescribed but is sparsely taking.  He said anything to get me back, but it was just more of the same.

    This past week, I caught him mishandling money, and I found paraphenalia -- and then on top of that he continues to be very mean and nasty and brings up my affair to fuel his emotional dependence on his drug of choice every day.

    So... I finally left two days ago and this time I plan for it to be permanent until he can demonstrate sobriety and a profound emotional improvement.  When I left the last time, he promised me the world, and I have seen none of those promises come to fruition -- I won't be fooled again. 

    I say all this to say, I feel your pain please try to keep a positive mind and heart.  I know you love your husband because I love mine but you have to be strong for yourself and your daughter when it comes to the abuse honey and abuse is a cycle -- it will not change without a meaningful intervention -- it will only get worse.  

  • @ttd112
    Hi there. Thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through so many struggles. Living with someone who is an active addict can be very challenging and can really mess you up emotionally and obviously physically. 

    I'm glad that you got out. It's time to focus on you and take care of you. Give him a good year or two to work on himself. While you work on you self and building your esteem back up. We all make mistakes, and we should never be physically abused. There's no tolerance for that. Reach out for the help that you need, including therapy or a 12-step program if need be. 

     We are always here to listen and give support as we can.
  • @bjessicaj... Welcome to the community and thanks for sharing with us. I'm sorry you had to deal with your husband's alcoholism for so long. And I'm sorry it affected you and your kids so much. Addiction is certainly a family disease; it affects so many more people than just the person with "the problem." As the son of an alcoholic father and the father of a son who struggles with addiction, I know that all too well.

    I hope you and your kids will eventually find some peace. And as hard as it probably was, I admire your decision to finally leave your husband. You always have to put yourself and your children first. Yes, you may have "lost" those years you tried to make things better, but I'm hoping things will continue to improve for all of you.

    Sending you lots of love and big hugs of hope.
  • @ttd112... Thanks for sharing your story with us. It just goes to show everyone here that they are not alone. There are so many people experiencing the same pain because of addiction. 

    I commend you for making the decision to leave your husband. I know that's not an easy thing to do, but sometimes you have to do what's best for YOU. Because your life matters, too.

    Take this time away to practice some radical self-care, because you deserve it. When someone we love struggles with addiction, everyone who loves and cares about that person needs to work on their own recovery. That's the nature of the beast we call addiction. 

    We're here for you, my friend. Whether you need advice, support, or just a place to vent, reach out to us anytime. In the meantime, I'm sending you love, light, and hope.
  • @bjessicaj and @ttd112 That is terrible about your kids having to give up on having a real/dependable dad, before the mess I created he was very hooked on benzos and alcohol and actually recently admitted even after his detox at the hospital when he had hit his rock bottom last year he tried to get more but the doctor said he'll never get a benzo prescription from another doctor ever again .. It really wore me down cuz he lied constantly to avoid giving me crap about his drinking and doing clonazopam ... he would hide shooters of fireball in the couch and take them when I went to the bathroom or wasn't paying attention and would get extremely emotionally abusive. He would tell me he doesn't really love me or care about me etc.. then things got a little better with he drinking and stuff but once he got laid off it got out of control again..
    He would tell me he doesn't love me etc, we didn't have any kind of sexual relations for 5 months, he'd give me crap about how I look etc..
    I honestly do think things are getting better now, he's stopped drinking 100 percent even telling his family and friends that he won't drink even when jos friends beg him to go out. Fingers crossed and praying things stay this way ..
  • @DeanD @dominica @bjessicaj sending positive thoughts! @kels2017 The best advice I ever got was "don't let your guard down" and "always have a plan B". It has been four days now since I left and my contact with my husband has been minimal.  He has come to my families' homes looking for me and they got really upset, threatening to call the police etc. He left but he's been trying to get in touch with me with constant calls and emails.  He told me that he finally reached out to his HR team to find out about a short term disability action plan (I'm assuming to go to inpatient treatment & to persuade me to come home), but I don't want to change my decision just because he is finally kicking his butt into gear.  How can I show support and encouragement without giving into this desperate control mechanism?
  • @ttd112 ;Hey there. Thank you for sharing. It is good that you've been able to stay away from him and resist the temptation to give in to his control. My personal opinion is that have a no-contact policy . if it were me I would plainly state that I wanted zero contact for a certain amount of time. So that person can completely figure out their own life and have ample time to get there life together without any distraction from me. Then I would go about living my life for myself . others may have a different opinion. 

    Have you considered attending a support group or seeing a therapist? Just to give you an outlet to share with others who have been in your shoes? I think one of the hardest things for me when I left a toxic relationship was trying not to feel bad about it. I mean not trying to feel like I was a bad person for giving up on the relationship. But at some point it just becomes Insanity for both people and cutting ties is the best option for both even though is very challenging . I wasn't a bad person or mean for leaving. It was the healthiest thing to do honestly. 

    I hope you're having a good day and I'm so glad you're here on the Forum. We are always here and we are always rooting for you
  • I'm sending positive vibes and lots of love and hope to everyone in this thread. I hope you all have a fabulous day. :)
  • So the abuse and his drug abuse continued. Not physical abuse again but emotional abuse constantly. I discovered he was ok craigslist soliciting sex from random women saying he was "sick of pounding the same pussy for four years" and there was about seven disgusting/vulgar/ dehumanizing towards women messages in his outgoing mail. I was just depressed and unhappy and wouldn't be all lovey Dovey with him like he wanted then last night wouldn't have sex with him (only 2 days after I found all these messages). He hen proceeded to take our foot massager out and throw it off the balcony into pieces. He said I need to get my shit and get out and I decided to record him as I packed my things. He said nobody would believe me cuz the only proof I have is a test message from him saying he shouldn't have laid his hands on me. He said he'd never pay me any kind of child support and was just being profane and evil. Still haven't told him I have a recording of that. So glad I do though . I'm so worried that somehow he'll be granted unsupervised time with her and he'll neglect to take care of her if he's using. I've been reading a lot on how a lot of times in this case since he has financial stability and I do not because I've been in school that I victims of domestic violence often can't afford to hire as good of a lawyer and end up losing custody to the abusive partner or spouse. What do I do HELP!!! Please!
  • First of all , stay away from him . He is sounding dangerous , and that's a shame . An un-announced visit from Child Protective Services might be in order , if supervision is a concern .
    This is such a sad story . I'm going to pray for you guys . While I'd love to think he can get sober and yall could make amends , he doesn't seem to be willing to do his part . As an old drunk , I can tell you it isn't easy .
    So do what's right for you and the child . You can't help him until he helps himself .
  • I can't take the way he talks to me especially in front of our daughter. After what he did in an apparent attempt to get revenge (even tho we did so much work in counseling to recover and try and move on( I can't feel love and affection for him right now and I don't think it's safe for him to be with my daughter.
  • @Kels2017 so sorry you are still struggling. do what is good for you and your child..yes. call your counselor and get an emergency appt. and plan your out... and get out and stay out. 

    you can call social services to see your options. it sounds like it has become very toxic and distancing yourself seems like the best bet right now.

  • @Dominica Yup I'm going to the domestic violence crisis shelter in town and seeing what advice they can give me. I need to get on my 2 feet and do what's in her best interest. Tomorrow is his last day off work for 10 days and he's asking to see her. I am not sure what to do...
  • Seeing him today , even if it is just to drop off the child , opens you up to him trying to manipulate you through false promises or even worse , abuse . Chances are , if he's off work , he'll be drinking and using . You need to follow the steps @Dominica has suggested , with the possible addition of a call to an attorney before you have any further contact with him .
    We've all been listening to your story for a while now . You've been trying to improve , amend , and atone . He has not . I'm a man . and an alcoholic . I hate to break the "Bro Code " . But no woman or child deserves to be in the threatening position of a man  with the inability to control his actions .
    Throw any self-guilt you still feel out the window until you have made some serious decisions devoid of emotion .Please , stay away from him . Please !
  • i agree with @TWSJ wholeheartedly. it's time to draw a line in the sand...cut ties best you can (except for dealing with daughter).... and both of you worry about yourselves.... let us know how it goes for you.
  • Sorry I'm just now seeing your posts, @Kels2017. I was out of town for the weekend. But I agree with everything that @dominica and @TWSJ have said. You need to do everything you can to ensure that you and your daughter are safe and happy. 

    Praying for you two.
  • I made steps to get my own apartment with my daughter. He had begged to watch Briella Monday and I said he could and he said he'd just pick her up from school. I knew something was up and I stopped by , he was drunk at 10 am and intending to pick up Briella. I went to the school and told them of his condition and ended up picking her up early to make sure he couldn't. I went to the domestic violence center for a meeting today and applied for legal services through them to get temporary custody of her. Hope to God that happens ...
  • Once again , I can't tell you how sorry I am for this situation . But you are doing the right thing . As tough as it may be , you can't let emotions affect your decisions with him . Protect yourself and the child .
    God Bless !
  • @TWSJ I know. Once I made it clear yesterday to him he needs to go to treatment or something before I trust him having her he said "it's fine right now I just need to concentrate on me". I really pray he means to get better but I think he means the opposite. He wants to be able to get messed up and not get crap for it. I told his family yesterday he was going to pick up our daughter from school intoxicated and I think that helped sway him to stop pushing to see her in that condition.
  • @Kels2017 i do hope he will reach out for help. meanwhile, focus on you and your daughter... and try to avoid having an angry reaction to anything he says... he will try to get a rise out of you...and project his anger on you... try not to let it get you... know that you are on the straight and narrow and feel confident in that...

  • @Kels2017 proud of you for taking all those steps to separate yourself from him...and take care of things. you can do this...hard..but possible. women do it all the time... 
  • Many , if not most Alcoholics have to hit a "Rock Bottom" before they take the step to save their life . I sat in an AA meeting last week where we discussed the fact that everyone's "Rock Bottom" is different . For me it was primarily inside me . I was not broke , but I was broken . I kept my wife and kids , but I was alone . No judge told me to go to AA , but I knew I had to .
    That's my story . A lot of guys , and gals in there did lose their family , jobs , homes , etc . That sounds pretty depressing , huh ? But here's the good news  The people who get help , accept help , and stay with the help , all re-gain a new happy life . They salvage relationships , finances , and even find JOY .
    It sounds like he is at "Rock Bottom" . You need to stand firm and fix yourself and protect your child . If he chooses the get up out of the ditch , in time , the wounds can be healed . But for Today , focus on you and let him figure it out . You leaving and taking away his child may save his life !
  • @Dominica Thank you! I'm proud of me too! I'm feeling strong! @TWSJ with Chris I think the issue is that he thinks he needs alcohol to be confident because he has no confidence on his own. With the affair stuff he says that I'm selfish but I put my daughter above anything else and for a long time I've been putting him above me as well. I think that he is only concerned about himself and wanting to be the person he thinks it's cool. I don't think his rock-bottom will be me leaving him and taking his child I think it will be something worse like getting a DUI or in trouble from the lot if that even does anything. It would be his second DUI and North Dakota is cracking down on the laws here with DUIs. I believe for the second one you have to be on the 24 seven program And go to the courthouse twice a day to take a breathalyzer. Whatever happens happens I guess but I hope he doesn't end up harming himself or anyone else on the road to his rock bottom.
  • @Kels2017... Add me to the list of people who are super proud of you for putting yourself and your daughter first. (By the way, Briella is a beautiful name!) Just remember: You didn't cause his addiction, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. 

    Sending you lots of love and hope. And big hugs, too.
  • @Dean @Dominica @TWSJ, now he's flipping out cuz he saw me at the courthouse (same building as social services) and asked if I am getting a divorce. I said what I was doing there (child support) and he was saying "I'm not going to be a fuck up anymore" etc. And he's not letting me take his baby away. I am so fed up... he thinks he won't have to pay child support because I cheated on him.. I really can't understand his brain.. and that I'll just "take his word for it" again that he's not going to use. I'm sure that's all that anybody else expect too (his family). But what I expect is him to demonstrate it not just promise it for the hundred millionth time. I really hope somehow he doesn't get what he's trying. Seems like everytime there's almost a consequence for him something messes it up.
  • Let him flip out . You've done the right thing so far . Do the next right thing , and the next , and the next .
  • @Kels2017... I agree with @TWSJ. You're doing the right thing. Addicts love to manipulate their loved ones and make promises to keep you in their grips. But actions speak way louder than words. Until you see action, look out for yourself and your daughter.
  • @Dean. Thanks I know I'm doing the right thing. Can't wait till this is all in the past!! Everyone here has been so great and supportive <3
  • @Kels2017 good morning. hope you are having a good morning. you are doing what you have to do...and yes, don't fall for his manipulative tactics. he needs help and extended help.... on his own without you in his life. give him that space to let him decide whether to really deal with his "stuff" or not.... this isn't about your daughter either. it's about an unhealthy relationship...with himself and with you... the roots of this go way beneath what's going on right now...

    hope he will dig deep.  and you keep working on YOU... and love that baby girl with all ya got! :) enjoy her!!! 
  • He got fired from his job today and wanted to pick Briella up from school and I said he can't see her unsupervised till he can prove he's staying sober and getting fired doesn't help alleviate that worry for me. He said he'd like to just go to the park and I can come so I said I'll pick her up from school and we can go to the park together. Didn't think it would take long for him to lose his good job that he finally got with good benefits
  • @Kels2017... *sigh* I'm sorry to hear this. But good for you for sticking to your guns about not letting him see your daughter unsupervised. I hope the visit went alright. Let us know, okay?

    Sending you positivity and hugs.
  • The visit was okay. He was apologetic I think to try to get me back. He just seemed sad the whole time. Was ok though, could have been worse.
  • Sorry he got fired . But ....... that doesn't fix things . Let's all pray it leads him in the right direction. But until he's there focus on you and Briella . He has to fix this himself .
  • @Kels2017... I'm glad the visit went okay. Keep enforcing those boundaries you've created. 
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