Self Medicating

It's Mother's Day. 5 weeks now with NO self medicating. It's Mother's Day and my feelings are raw and unbridled. I'm all alone here even though there are loved ones nearby. I've cried and cried and cried. : (
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  • @Goodtr8s hey there! so sorry you struggled so much yesterday!!!

    5 weeks is amazing !!!  Maybe you needed to let those tears fall for some reason.. a cleansing!!!!!!!!!

    let us know how you are doing today.... we all get those kinds of days...i feel your pain on that for sure.

    you're not alone... we are here! 
  • Five weeks. Wow. That's amazing, @Goodtr8s! I'm so proud of you!

    And please know that there's absolutely nothing wrong with crying. Like @dominica said, crying is cleansing. Like my favorite author, Anne Lamott, says:

    "Crying and grieving heal us, cleanse us, baptize us, moisturize us, water the seeds deep in the ground at our feet."

    We're here for you, my friend. Anytime you need us.
  • Thanks @DeanD and @dominica. I'm trying to reach out, truly I am. Reaching out is what worked many years ago when I experienced professional help and rehab. This time is different. It just is. I felt every verb in Ms. Lamott's quote, yesterday. Some of my favorite quotes are from Disney movies...
    "That's what Rufus said:
    Faith makes things turns out right."
    Penny, from The Rescuers
  • I love that quote from The Rescuers, @Goodtr8s. I'm wondering...Have you read any of Anne Lamott's books? They have helped me through some very difficult times over the years. She is such an inspiration to me. And she's in recovery, too. As is her son.
  • No, @DeanD, I haven't. I HAVE now gone to her website and she seems very well versed and diversified. I'll look in to her books! I see she was born in 1954, so, she must be a gem! ;- )
    Thanks again for  your input and attention.
  • If you want to read a book that might inspire you and help you find yourself, read her Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith. It changed me. :)
  • Dean, you are a strong person 5 weeks is a long time.
  • @AnnaMolina1981... It's @Goodtr8s that has 5 weeks, not me. And yes, she is a strong person for sure!! :)
  • I've been reading some excerpts from “Hallelujah Anyway”, @DeanD. Some of that really hits home. I'm actually enjoying exploring Ms Lamott's life and works! Keeps me busy and distracted, too. I'm not doing too good at the meditating, @dominica...can't seem to keep my mind and body in sync. I'm so "antsy" and miss that opioid calm. I'm telling you all, that the ONLY thing going in my favor sometimes is the simple inability to pay for some. No doctor's visits or refills. Absolutely, no friends or family to exploit or bother. Perhaps time is on my side as well.  
  • Thanks, @AnnaMolina1981. I AM a strong person in so many ways...but, I've been self-medicating since I was pre-teen, when binging and purging started. I eloped when I was 14 and had my first daughter at 16. Amphetamines were VERY easy to get and the eating disorder took off. Pain medication wasn't far to come along. What a roller coaster! But by the grace of God most of the drugging and alcohol came AFTER the birth of my second daughter. They are both well rounded, smart and successful. So, yes, I'm strong. But, not stronger than the desire... 
    How are YOU doing these days?
  • Glad to hear you're reading some Anne Lamott, @Goodtr8s. She is my spirit animal, for sure. Her words are like hugs to me. :)
  • It's the 4th of July week. Another death anniversary. My older brother, Kenneth.
    He worked in aerospace. He helped fix the Hubble Telescope. He climbed the mountains of Colorado and explored the Anasazi Cliffs. He never hurt a fly. He scolded me once for pulling a cat's tail. He never drank, smoked and I never heard him say a cuss word. He loved our widowed mother with the respect you'd show no other on earth. He "nursed"me through Rehab for a deadly eating disorder and held me as I recalled being molested as a child. He died a horrible, painful, relentless cancer death. I watched. It was my first experience with Hospice Care. (the first of 5, in as many years, it would become clear) That evening, I watched the fire works display from his front porch, as they boomed, spiraled, banged and drizzled, off in the distance on the Front Range in Boulder.
    Colorado would NEVER be the same to me.
    It's the 4th of July week and I'm not self medicating. He would be PROUD!
    :'( I've cried and cried and cried. : (
  • @Goodtr8s... I wish I was there to give you a hug. Your brother sounds like a wonderful human being. I'm so sorry that cancer took him from you early.

    Today's quote on the Anne Lamott Quotes feed over on Twitter made me think of you as soon as I read your post:

    "Crying and grieving heal us, cleanse us, baptize us, moisturize us, water the seeds hidden deep in the ground at our feet." --Anne Lamott

    Sending you virtual hugs. And yes, your brother would be so proud of you. I am proud of you, too!
  • Thanks for the Anne Lamott quote @DeanD . That means the world to me at this moment. I'm glad I shared, now!
    There are BIG ole' tears falling out of my eyes, too, as I accept your virtual hug. Hugs will do that, you know, make you cry harder! LOL! Thanks!
    Virtual love, back at you! <3
  • @Goodtr8s Hey there! I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I got all teary-eyed as I read that...I would have loved to have befriended him :)....He sounds like he was a true saint walking the Earth.

    I think it's wonderful how you honor him. I am super glad that you are not using and I know that he is proud of you! It is a shame that we have to lose some loved ones early, and I'm not sure I'll ever understand the amount of suffering people endure by such a loss. Death is certainly one of the mysteries of life....

    But I thank you for sharing that with us, and we honor your brother today, for the mark that he left on so many lives and on Mother Earth while he was here. And for you, as I'm sure if he were to write about you today, he would say some pretty amazing things.

    "They are not dead who live in the hearts they leave behind" Tuscarora

    Hugs!
  • Thank you for the return love, @Goodtr8s. :)
  • Thank you, @dominica, for the heartfelt encouragement. Kenneth was such a "strange bird", Mama used to say. He was at home on earth and in space. He was one of my heroes. I lost my mom and my sister after him. I still have an even older brother and we take care of each other as best we can. HE is really proud I'm clean and sober, for he's seen me at my worst...
    Thanks for listening, you guys!
  • @Goodtr8s always a pleasure my friend!
  • "I may think nostalgically of my old hiding place from time to time, but the truth is, nothing that could possibly happen today can make me go back"
    ...For Today (O/A)

    "I will go anywhere provided it is forward.
    ...David Livingston
  • @Goodtr8s amen! :smile:
    thanks for sharing!
  • Good stuff, @Goodtr8s! Keep moving forward!!

    Happy Monday! I hope you have a fabulous week!
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