i need help

Hi. I am a 21 year old mentally ill female. I always thought I was
asexual until I graduated high school. Then I began reading porn fanfic
and getting obsessed with it. Now I also run a porn blog for my
favortite characters. But the issue now after 6 months of not being
obsessed with sex and porn (I was always looking to have sex and wanting
not to be a virgin to the point where I was running through the street
looking for sex partners and tried to manipulate a relationship.) Now I
am watching the most disturbing disgusting porn which is blowjobs with
puking! I am afraid of puking and I am constantly trying to avoid it
ever happening also I am a lesbian and I don't want to think about sex
things involving men. I feel disgusted after I watch it but I am just so
desperate for orgasms. I don't want to be in a relationship. When I was
a kid I used to masturbate outside the bathroom when people were
vomiting or using the toilet and I also used to masturbate in my parents
room thinking of my grandparents having bowel movements on some of my
toys and I would get off on it. I became even more obsessed with sex
when I was 9. I also have inappropriate thoughts about underage kids,
especially girls. My grandparents were inappropriate with me when I was a
girl I don't know if that's why. But they just made me kiss them,
didn't rape me. I got so obsessed with deepthroating porn that I used to
practice on hot dogs and get rid of my reflex even though I don't even
like d**k. I also hate the idea of vaginal and anal penetration. I feel
most attracted to women and want to marry one, and would feel
confortable in the sexual situation. But I keep getting this thing where
my mouth goes dry and I feel horny and I have to run to the closet to
watch BJ porn and masturbate. Some times I would do it constantly. I
would even masturbate in public and in the car with my family there just
because it said the word "sexy" in a song I was listening to. I was
diagnosed with bipolar because of this and then they said it was a manic
episode but the sex addiction doesn't always happen during the manic
episode. Then somebody else said it was because of my epilepsy. They
don't know. All I think about is sex, especially my favorite actors and
characters having sex with each other (not usually with me) it starts
off this way and then I go in the closet with my toy and watch the porn
and while I am watching it I think of dirty things I read in an article
on the internet. I thought I was free of addiction for months and
months. But now I am doing it again.

  • 7 Commentsby Likes|Date
  • @outofcontrol hey there. welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing... this is a safe place for you to share and receive support. 

    i'm sorry you are struggling... addiction and mental health issues can truly be tough....

    i'm not sure what advice to give, as i'm no professional in this area. 

    are you still in counseling? i do feel that continued therapy is necessary... are there any support groups in your area for porn addiction? what about online support groups for that?  

    i'm sure there are various factors at play as to why this is your struggle... i do want to offer hope that treatment is available...and as anything, it will take some hard work on your part...and consistency..and really just discovering your recovery path...no right or wrong..simply your path.

    share here as you wish...hoping others will be able to offer some support too...
  • @dominica I go to therapy occasionally but unfortunately my therapist is pediatric because I haven't found an adult therapist yet. So she knows nothing in this area. There are also only drug support groups where I live.
  • @outofcontrol  are you willing to look for a therapist this week? get on it...and make a commitment to attending regularly. there may be therapists who can help via online too through skype. it's going to take some work and commitment. :)  

    here is an online support group you may check out: http://www.pornaddictsanonymous.org/

    it's something. let me know what you think. 
  • @outofcontrol Sorry to hear of your struggles. I too am no professional, but I've struggled with porn addition for years. Additionally, while I can't relate directly to many of the triggers you cite, I do relate to triggers that confused and disgusted me. I know now that allowing the disgust to fester within me, was a mistake.

    You are special, you are valuable, and you are worth every effort to overcome this struggle. You are not defined by these hurdles, you are only chosen by whatever you care to believe in (God, fate, life, karma, whatever), to grow through these challenges. Do not, and never, give up on yourself.

    I for one can not imagine overcoming my porn addition amidst all the other stuff you're been saddled with. Please try and find help. It will help to talk to regular people as well. This appears to be a pretty good place to find them. I see many like me who have no stones to throw, just profound gratitude for ability to see through the fog of our own personal trials. For me it took many years to find my way. I hope and pray the best for you.
  • Thanks for that thoughtful post, @MikeS.

    @outofcontrol... How are you doing these days? Let us know if you have a spare minute.
  • My concern for you is that you were possibly abused as a very small child. I hope you find someone to help you with this.
  • @outofcontrol... Still thinking of you. And sending you tons of love and light.
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