Feeling undesirable as a partner of a porn addict

On one hand I do appreciate my bf coming clean with me, but he also told me he is not sexually attracted to me. We have a solid based relationship otherwise, but I feel so terrible about myself. As a young teen I was sexually assaulted and ended up cutting myself as a result. I hadn't felt the urge to cut until he told me that; I haven't but want to. It has brought a mix of self-Negative emotions for me and I would appreciate any advice on how to deal.
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  • @ern hello. so sorry you are going through this. i imagine it is difficult hearing that... 

    if you have the urge to cut, maybe consider seeing a counselor. i don't think i can offer the expert advice you may need.  i think cutting can become an addiction, and you don't want to start that...it can really lead you down a dark road...

    i'd be totally disappointed to hear that from my partner too...i think many couples contend with this at some point in a relationship. rarely do they ever speak it though... it usually goes unspoken.

    i think this can become a time for both of you to be vulnerable...honest...raw and real... in order to deepen your connection. I've had instances where I was not attracted to my partner , and I was faced with a couple of decisions. I think for me I had to look more at a soul level . it's very interesting how the human body changes over time. What may be found attractive at 25 may not be so attractive at 55. Or 75. If someone is solely looking outwardly, they're likely to become unattracted at some point. But at the soul level is different. I think this is a great topic . what would I do if my partner said she was not attracted to me? I'd really have both of us do some soul-searching, and perhaps some couples counseling. I think there are ways to revive the passion and perhaps the attraction level. Tools that you can use. 

    I hope others will chime in on this topic. I am glad that he is being honest with you. When we can speak the truth, we allow for so much growth to occur if we choose to grow. I know you're disappointed and I encourage you not to take it personal. I encourage you to offer yourself some big love right now. I think for me worst case scenario is if someone was not attracted to me, it would be challenging, but it would also help me to grow in my own self love. The attraction factor is an issue in a relationship, and I'd rather know if that attraction fell short for my partner, so I could decide what I wanted to do.

    oh, also, some people that get addicted to porn just lose interest in physical connection... so it would make sense that he loses sexual attraction for you b/c he is so used to watching porn and his brain is now wired to find porn attractive...so he would require a re-training of the brain to find you sexually attractive once again... 

    I hope this makes sense because I feel like I'm rambling.
  • @ern... My heart goes out to you. But please know that whatever your boyfriend is going through and feeling is more likely about him and not you. 

    I agree with Dominica that counseling might be a good thing for you. You're dealing with a lot of feelings right now and I think a good therapist could help you sort them out. 

    We're here for you. Please reach out and lean on us anytime you feel the need.

    Sending you love and light. 
  • @dominica I am in therapy. He is willing to go to couples therapy but just not ready right now. He's not in individual therapy anymore either, but he was a year ago for this. I do appreciate your comment on couples losing interest at times, that true and I need to remember that. He did tell me that his mind is screwed up from so much porn. I did tell him that we need to have another talk.
    @DeanD he has told me it's him and not me, and I try to remember that. but if he is into petite girls with ridiculously slim figures and breast implants and I am an none of the above...it's just disheartening. I do not believe he would stray with other people and truly wouldn't care if he ever masterbated but just fear that this hurdle won't ever get better. He is a good man, worth staying with but it's hard to find anyone to relate with...it is such a private issue.
  • I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, @ern
  • my husband has never said that he's not attracted to me, not sure I could handle that, feeling unattractive and not adequate is bad enough. He always says it's not about me, this is also hard to grasp. my husband is in counselling and I have attended one session with him. Counsellor says constant communication is the key but bringing it up to start a conversation is hard.I agree with ern that this is such a private issue it's hard to find others to relate too. PS can someone tell me how you tag or comment directly to another person?
  • @MaggieElizabeth it is a sensitive topic and not easy to talk about...for sure... glad you both are involved in the counseling!!

    to tag someone, put this symbol @ right before their name. like @MaggieElizabeth :) 

    have a great day!
  • @ern what advice does your counsellor offer when your boyfriend tells you he's not attracted to you. how do you cope with that. I too told my husband I would prefer he masturbate than turn to porn. there are so many negative emotions tied to porn
  • @MaggieElizabeth open and honest communication is absolutely key. This counselor is for ptsd from past abuse, I haven't felt comfortable enough with him to tell him what's going on with this. Odd, but I'd feel better I think with a female counselor for this. It was so devastating to hear him say that he isn't sexually attracted to me, yet I am thankful for his absolute honesty. I have no doubt about his love for me and do know he WANTS me, and I can see him struggle with it. This isn't what he wants either. That is what keeps me going. I do have 'low' times, and have been good about telling him that I'm having a difficult time dealing and need space. It's not easy for him to talk about, but there are times that he will and he did say he would go to therapy with me. He has repeatedly told me that it's him and not me also. It's hard, but he is worth it.
  • @ern it's hard to get my husband to talk about it, even though I've repeatedly told him I need him to tell me how he's doing. I try not to push. we have counselling this coming week again so i'll ask my questions there, it sort of forces him to discuss. I know when I don't dwell on it I feel better but  by not discussing I don't want him to think things are better and i'm over it again. I have been getting over it for 17 years and I'm not prepared to do that anymore. he knows it hurts me and repeatedly says it's not me it's him and we have different views on porn but he has finally admitted that it's a problem and he needs help. I don't think he always saw it as a problem and maybe it wasn't or I just wasn't aware of the frequency/severity but I think this last time I caught him scared him. I'm at the point where he/we need to do something because this is not good for me anymore. when you continuely go down the wrong path with no results it's time to change the path..
  • @ern I meant to mention that the counsellor suggested I read the book called "your brain on porn" it just came yesterday and I haven't started yet but maybe could be helpful to you too
  • @MaggieElizabeth thank you! I will get thT book!!
    I don't know how you've endured 17 years, I'm glad he's going to counseling with you now. Thankfully Ive never caught my bf (of almost a year) yet, I do dread that
  • he also suggested "the 5 love languages" the secret to love that lasts for my husband (may read this myself) there is more good than bad in my marriage so not ready to throw in the towel yet. I don't think I knew the scope of my husbands addiction in the first few years of our marriage, he down played it, said he didn't need it, didn't do it often etc etc (and I believed he had put in behind him)..you know the usual excuses. i even tried watching it with him and I'm pretty sure he hoped i'd learn to like it. that didn't happen...makes me feel so disgusted. about 5 years ago when I caught him again and he promised and swore up and down that he would fix it, that he would stop,  he wrote me a letter apologizing over and over and that he would get help(never did) ...I was naïve to believe him, but for those 5 years or so I believed he had quit and that we were in a good place. I always had it in the back of my mind, is he or isn't he, but  I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, and I was so crushed and felt so stupid when I caught him again recently. I went for about a week without me saying anything to him when he finally said he wanted to know what he had to do and that he would give me the time I needed. i felt so betrayed, so stupid, like the laughing stock of our relationship, questioning why he keeps doing this when he promises over and over again not to. the signs were there right from the start of our relationship, the box full of porn when we moved in together that I threw out thinking he didn't need that anymore....later on finding tapes hidden in the ceiling tiles in his bathroom....threw those out too...finding porn on the computer that he forgot to close after watching....I know he is/was of the mindset that what I don't know won't hurt me so he's continued to do it. I try to tell myself we can get through this and other days I wonder if i'm kidding myself. 
  • @MaggieElizabeth that's for the book titles, I will look for them. I will not watch porn. I told him so upfront and he was good with it, he wants to keep the addiction separate from me.
    Oh how awful, im sorry it's been like that for you. My ex husband is an alcoholic and know the feeling of finding booze in ceiling tiles. I'm glad that I can stay in my bubble of not imagining the stuff he's looking at or remembering him Masterbating to it.
  • @ern I won't watch anymore not that I did much to begin with. I would only ever agree to watch it if it was similar to a love scene in a movie between a man and a woman....not sure I want to know if his viewing of porn has gone beyond mild forms of it.
  • @MaggieElizabeth and @ern... I just want you to know that I think it's great that you are conversing with each other and offering each other help and support. That's what this site is all about. I'm keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers and sending you as much positive energy and hope as I can muster. :)
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