Why is it so hard to keep the thoughts away?

I feel that I should be over this, especially since I brag about being fully "recovered." However, as an obstacle has found it's way back into my life, I am struggling to fight the thought to self mutilate by cutting.

I mentioned to one that I would never want my son to see this, and that I have found ways to keep busy in order to keep me from acting on these thoughts. I have been chatting with new people all night and yet, I still cannot get these thoughts to disappear.

What's worst, I am sure that once the Hubs and I lay down tonight, there is sure to be an emotional conversation. Usually these do not end well for me. Even though I could very well be dominant in our relationship, I allow him to be for family value reasons. Therefore I am usually given heart breaking options about how to move forward, and he usually has no concern for how I truly feel--until he realizes I am not sleeping for days, and the problem had not truly been resolved. Even then, words can become pretty ugly between us.

But the way my mind is accustomed to dealing with these emotions during these depressing times is hard to ignore. I know it's wrong, and I am trying my best to resist. But once the hurt sets in and I start feeling helpless to his options, I tend to drift into that person I don't want to be, the person my son does not need to ever see or come to know.
  • 6 Commentsby Likes|Date
  • I think since the case here has crossed over into self harm and you have a son you are worrying about it might be a good idea to seek professional help. Even if you just end up being able to talk about some of your issues I believe it will help a lot as cutting like any addiction is just a form of release and hopefully if you get enough of a release elsewhere just by talking you might need it a little less. Also having discussions about your past and your behavior can lead to finding the core of why you do this and it can possibly get you closer to a more permanent solution.
  • I think it is time to seek out some professional help. There is no shame in admitting that you can't control this on your own. That is what the professionals are there for. It may help to just have somebody that you can talk to and share things with that you couldn't share with anybody else. You have a little boy there who needs you and is depending on you. He needs to have his mommy healthy emotionally and physically. You can do this.
  • I think it is normal for the thoughts to arise but abnormal for you wanting to inflict harm on yourself. Talk to a professional, help is out there. You don't need to bottle up so much and end up losing it.

    Stay safe for yourself and family.
  • I like how you said in the end of the post that you "recovered", yes you dod, but sadly most of the times recovery is a really long process.
    In my opinion the help of other around you can be good, maybe start explaining all the nice recovery you reached already. The succes stories, so you can also have more faith in you, then ask for help.

    Maybe a talk through with another person can give you an another perspective of how to help yourself and how others should help you.
  • I agree with the other comments. Maybe it's time to seek out help from a professional who can help you learn to deal with these feelings. They can also help you figure out the source and try to give you alternative ways to handle the emotions. You're recovering and as others have mentioned, it's a long process. Consider talking with someone outside of the home that can offer you ways to help keep you on the road to recovery. 
Sign In or Register to comment.